So it is official, I will be starting private school January 9th. I'm not going to mention the name of this school but I will say that it is a Christian based private school. I'm not going to talk bad about this place being that I haven't attended class there yet, but this place from the outside looking in looks like one big Hollywood cliché. At the high school I was attending we did have uniforms but they weren't mandatory. Mostly we just had a dress code. However at this private school their dress code is UNIFORMS. All I can say is good thing I don't mind wearing skirts. I have a gut feeling that this private school will have a morning prayer and a preacher for a principal. Of course I am being sarcastic. I keep imagining church for 7 hours a day with a little bit of "book learning" thrown in. I know that an exaggeration, this school's students have actually scored in the top 1% for the last 7 years so I can reasonably assume that it's a good school. Here's the thing; I'm use to being the nerd in class, and now I will be just a nerd among nerds. Now if I want to stand out I will have to wear red lipstick or red fingernail polish. I'm sure that would get me sent home.
Has anyone ever hyperventilated long enough where you thought you were having a stroke or heart attack? Well I have, and it was this morning while I was rereading my statement to the court. My hands cramped up and my lips puckered. Being that I was the only one at home I almost called 911 since I didn't understand what was going on. Instead I did nothing, with the assumption that if it is my time to kill over, so be it. I am a curious person and while I was waiting to kill over I began to research my symptoms online. I'm not the type of person who would want to die without knowing what I'm dying of. Long story short, by the time I realized I was suffering from low carbon dioxide I had already stopped hyperventilating. Sad part is that a small part of me was disappointed that I was going to make it. LOL
Court is in about 18 hours and I feel like my chest is going to burst open and an alien is going to escape. I hate this waiting that never seems to end. I have been having trouble sleeping and I guess that is reasonably expected. We all have weird dreams and many of us have had dreams where we are in public naked. I have spent the last two nights in court naked. What a way for the powers that be in the universe to give me confidence enough to speak in court. At least in my dream I wasn't the only one who was naked, the judge was naked too. Last time I checked Regis Philbin wasn't a judge. Why the hell am I dreaming that I am naked in the courtroom and the judge is Regis Philbin who is also naked? WTF is up with that? The weird part is that the guy who hurt me wasn't even in the courtroom in this dream.
I have never been a cutter, burner, scratcher, or any other form of a self-harmer other than having thoughts of suicide. However this morning I had a sharp object in one hand, a mind full of hate and self-blame in the middle, and a arm full of unscarred landscape on the other side and I was about to punish myself for everything that is wrong with the world. I didn't punish myself because somewhere along the lines I realized that I have been through enough pain and purposefully causing myself pain would be a prelude to that monsters victory speech. It is so hard to want to punish ourselves or do self harm to just feel like we are still connected, but why? It's so counter productive and can set us up for a lifetime of unjust suffering. I'm not going to start, (I think) at least not today.
Okay, I'm finished running my pie hole for now.
Thinking of you, Jaime. Can't imagine the anxiety you must be feeling right now, but I am so glad that the sentencing part of this mess is almost over.
ReplyDeleteBtw, were you having a panic attack? I have had my fair share of those, and they are pretty spooky.
Remember deep breaths tomorrow...
You can and will make it through this. There's A LOT of FIGHT in that little frame of yours.
Thinking of you. xxxxxx
P.S. private school ain't so bad ;-) The website for my high school would likely elicit the same response in you, haha. I ended up loving it though!
ReplyDeleteerrr uniform = not yummy =\
ReplyDeletesorta like the jacket thing though.. sorta lol..
i think i read somewhere that dreaming of being naked infront of people is like having to bear ur feelings or thoughts in life or somthing, or your not doing it enuff (doubt thats the case with u, ur very open =)).. I DUNNO! been ages since i interperted a dream..
hums a tune *The judge knew that he was full of sh*t and he gave him 25 yrs
And now his hearted is filled with tears.
That night in jail it was getting late.
He was butt-raped by a large inmate and he screamed.
But the guards paid no attention to his cries* luv my sublime.. have read u dnt want that to happen to him... but fuck it chika, he deserves every bareback ass fuck he gets.
*apologies kinda for later on when i realise it wasnt smart to say that but i've encountered too many fuckwits with too many fucked up points of view for my temper to deal with today so i'm gonna type it how i think it, til later wen im not so angry lol.. jst finished dealing with someass that was picking on a child with a disability.. coulda slit throats on that one i tell ya*