I am reasonably certain that I am going to grow up a bitter and sad person. I stopped liking this time of year at 12 or 13, and I began to dislike it last year after my mom died. This year I actually hate Christmas. I hate it for the fact that mom is no longer here. I hate it for the fact that the spirit of Christmas has been so easily stolen even though it shouldn't be so easy. I hate, I hate, I hate, but most of all I hate myself. Maybe "Hate" myself is too strong of a word. I dislike me. Time for me to go join the rest of the family and put on a mask.
Yikes... I lost my Mom several years ago, so I can empathize with you on that one. Also, I think it goes without saying that Christmas, and most other holidays, have been commodified, though this transition (from pure celebration to commodity) began long before either of us were born.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, I think it is important to note that life is finite. We only get so many years (for some people life is quite short and for others it may be extremely long, especially for the youngest generation--nonetheless, it is finite). Of course, we might be able to soldier on in some supernatural world after we die; however, that is not a definite. Given these facts, I have decided to try to live each day in joy and happiness. By saying that, I realize that life itself can be difficult; that the world is not a rosy place; that evil exists, etc. However, I acknowledge all of those things and still try to remain happy/peaceful within. It is a difficult task because I only have so much control over my bio-chemical make-up; however, it is important to me to try. Nonetheless, I feel that the alternative--living in pain, with anger, in a state of suffering, is far worse.
Either way, good luck to you.
Anthony
I do know how you feel. My dad died on this day,Christnas Eve. He was one of my abusers but he was still my dad,the only dad and it makes this time of year even harder for me. Hang in there,I am here for you,always. terri
ReplyDelete{{{hugs}}} I can totally relate to those feelings of hate. I wish I could tell you that they will magically disappear, but they don't. They require a lot of work to get rid of - I've learned that time alone won't make them go away - but I think that we're both on the right track. We're doing the annoying grueling work by going to therapy and writing out these rants and admitting that we frequently put on a mask. It sucks, but I think it's a good thing. You're letting out more and more emotion, and I am so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I feel like you are having to go through 2 grieving processes at once, and just like your blog title says, it's not fair. You do not deserve this. It's understandable that the holidays are particularly difficult right now. You are not to blame for how you are feeling.
I hope that you are surrounded by the love and support you deserve today. Thinking and praying for you. {{{hugs}}}
Thanks guys.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about your mom. Please don't hate yourself or dislike your self.
ReplyDelete