Ever since my assault I have been really hesitant and anxious when around groups of people. Still I figured that everyone that would be at our thanksgiving get together would be family and friends so it shouldn't be too triggering. Well, I was wrong.
Only about 1/3rd of my distant relatives that spent the day with us had any prior knowledge of what happened to me. Partially because my dad and I wasn't broadcasting it and also that the news media in my area has been very respectful of my privacy. Several people asked me why I would cut my hair so short. For the most part I avoided the answer. Some people asked me how I was doing, and I felt like I lied to them by replying, "okay". (Note to people unfamiliar with what happened to me. The guy who raped me, also cut my hair really short for some strange reason.)
A few people knew what happened, and they wanted to hug me and tell me how sorry they were. Many times throughout the day someone would pull me off to the side and offer their apologies, and hug me. The thing is I didn't want to be reminded of this stuff, I didn't want to think about what happened to me. I wanted to spend this day with family, and without the constant reminder.
We always eat thanksgiving dinner late in the evening. So by the time we all sat around the table to eat most of us have been visiting with each other for several hours. It seems that during this visiting, the story of what happened to me had made it's way around to most of the people there. People would look at me with their sympathetic eyes obviously feeling sorry for me. That's fine, I feel sorry for other survivors. I just didn't want the constant reminder that day. To make it worse, my family on both sides are religious and it is expected that each person before the thanksgiving prayer tell everyone else what they are thankful for. I was wanting to avoid this because I honestly have been having trouble feeling thankful for anything. Of course someone, I don't remember who, suggested that I go first. I gave the old standby, "I'm thankful for my family and friends".
What happened next I wasn't expecting. As each other person stated what they were thankful for there was a common line in each of their statement, "I am thankful that Jaime Is home and safe".
I have never felt more embarrassed, ashamed, and blatantly put into a vulnerable position in my life. I immediately realized that someone had planned this entire scenario. How else would everyone make the same statement word for word? I understand, I really do understand that they did what they did to show me that the entire family supports me. Maybe it's just me, maybe I shouldn't have felt like I was forced into such a vulnerable position.
After the "I'm thankful for's" and the prayer, I excused myself from the table and went into the bathroom and I tried so hard to collect myself. I couldn't help it, I cried. Every few seconds someone would knock on the bathroom door and ask me if I was okay. Dad soon whispered through the door and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was, but I need a few minutes alone. Dad walked away to rejoin the rest of the family. Everyone was kind of quiet and I could hear almost everything being said. One of the small kids asked, "what's wrong with her". I heard my aunt say that she was going to check on me, then dad quickly telling her to leave me alone for a few minutes. Dad had to tell her twice to leave me alone, the second time I could tell by the tone in his voice that the entire situation and how it made me feel aggravated him. Dad always have looked out for me in every way. My dad is who I am truly thankful for.
It took me about five minutes to compose myself before returning to the dining room. Honestly, if we would have been at my home I would have simply hid in my room until everyone left. I hated walking back into the room surrounded by everyone. I felt everyone staring at me, I could feel their eyes burning holes through my skin. I didn't have much of an appetite.
Dad, my little sister, and I didn't stay too long after dinner. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I am mad at them. I'm not mad, but didn't it ever cross their minds to not gossip about something so personal to me. Couldn't they imagine that it would be embarrassing to me by making what happened to me the center of attention?
Am I being overly sensitive?
