Question 8 (Therapy Assignment)

Question Submitted By BradDavisDude.

Q: How has this whole tragedy affected your trust in men and do you think you will be able to trust men enough to date again?

A: In general terms it has affected my trust in men, especially at first. I think it is because my assailant happened to be male and because men are nearly always so much more physically stronger than me. It makes me feel vulnerable to be around men. I don't want people to misunderstand me, I don't think all men are dangerous or that all men are willing to rape. I have simply acknowledged that with the vast majority of men, if they made the choice to hurt me, I am physically less able to defend myself because I am not as strong as a man. That realization makes me cautious and I imagine that extra caution will be something that I have for the rest of my life.

A: I think I will be able to date again, but with me it really isn't dating again. I have never really been on a date in the first place. So I guess the question is do I think I will be able to date men in the future. The simple answer to that is yes, however the reality of it is a little different. I think a traditional meet and date scenario is less of a possibility. What I mean by that is that I would not do the whole blind date thing or go on a date with someone that I don't know. There is two exceptions to this rule. If a trusted friend knew this person, or we went on some double dates. Other than that I think I would have to become "REAL" friends with a guy before I was able to trust them enough to go on a date with them where I could potentially feel vulnerable and alone.

Eventually I do want to go on dates, I want to marry, and I want children, but more than that I want to trust myself and others so that those things are possible. Until I learn to trust again, dating is simply impractical. Of course I do have to admit that part of the process of learning to trust again may involve putting myself in situations such as a date where I feel vulnerable so that I can then face my fears. I just know I'm a long way off from there, and I have trouble foreseeing a time when I will be there.

Part 4 What Happened To Me

I am going to try and tell a little more about what happened to me. I'm not sure how far I will get, but my therapist keeps telling me that I should.

After he finished smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer he began to do things to himself while staring at me. In all honesty it took me a few seconds to realize that he was pleasuring himself. Although the many times he raped me during these 23 hours were horrible, him pleasuring himself while staring at me and one other thing that I won't get into yet gives me an over whelming sense of being objectified and degraded. I won't get into all the gross details of what he did to himself but I will say that some of them were very strange. I can only assume pain rather it be my pain or his own, turned him on. Near the end before he climaxed he stood up in front of me, no more than an arms length away and finished.

I don't know how to better describe the nasty, empty, and used feeling I had and still have when I felt his stuff land on me. It's a sensation I don't think I will ever be able to wash off my skin. I have tried so many times to get rid of the feeling that his stuff is still on me but nothing works. The whole time I was crying and I kept hearing someone's voice call out for their mom. Looking back at it now I think it was my voice that I was hearing. There were sounds that he was making, sounds that I wish I had never heard; breathing sounds and the sound of my name emanating from his mouth haunts me.

He used my torn clothes that lay on the floor to wipe himself off. He then repeated the words he told me about 10 minutes earlier, that he was going to make me feel more comfortable. He reached into the pocket of his pants that were on the floor and took a key out of it. I didn't know it was a key at first until he showed it to me. It was the key to the handcuffs that were holding my wrists over my head for the past hour. He stood behind me, teasing me with the key, asking me if I wanted him to free my hands. I really didn't know what to say. I wanted to say, "Yes, free my hands", but I was afraid that if I did he would then refuse to out of meanness. He began to touch me with his hand and while he was behind me I felt him become excited again.

He stepped back in front of me and grabbed tube of lotion or oil and covered himself down there with it and then walked back around to behind me. His hands grabbed me and he was so forceful and strong I wasn't able to fight. I tried so hard to keep him from entering back there but I couldn't stop him. It hurt so badly and I screamed as I was torn. This undoubtedly is one of the things he did that cause me to need surgery to fix a perforated bowl.

I remember vividly thinking to myself that this is really happening. I'm being raped, I'm being sodomized. I kept thinking about my dad, little sister, family, and friends being told by the police that a hiker found my lifeless body faced down in woods. I pictured my dad falling to the ground unable to understand what happened.

I felt that bastard breathe on the back of my neck and head. I can still feel the damp heat of his breath and the smell of cigarettes.

I wanted to be able to write more but I can't right now.