A Weird And Lucid Dream

I had a weird dream last night. Of course weird and disturbing dreams for me isn't all that strange, but they have seemed to become more prevalent since my rape. The weird thing about this dream is that I knew it was a dream the entire time. Before my rape I usually knew the dreams I was having was just a dream and I could consciously manipulate the path of the dream. Since my rape my dreams have been more like a horror movie that I was unwittingly cast to act in. The dream I had last night was different, I knew it was a dream and I was writing the script in my head as it went along.

Okay, the dream starts out with me sitting in my car while it's parked in the driveway. I was crying but I don't know why. I was pounding the palms of my hands against the steering wheel. I backed out of the driveway and began to drive to school, but on the way to school I decided that I didn't want to be in school that day. While driving up to a stop light I thought to myself, "Turn Green", and the light turned green. I thought that was strange, but didn't pay much attention to it. Rain drops began to bounce off the windshield, and I thought to myself, "I wish it was warm and sunny", suddenly the clouds disappeared and the sun warmed everything up.

My car in real life is a silver Mazda Miata, in my dream it was also a silver Miata. While driving with the sun shinning I wondered what my car would look like if it was Cherry Red, and suddenly my car changed fro silver to cherry red. I realized at this point that I was dreaming and I was in charge of my dream. I must have went through a dozen colors for my car before I stopped with purple, my favorite color.

Traffic was coming to a stop and at first I was just going to use my imagination and cause the traffic to disappear or cause my car to fly over top of the traffic, but I am a curious person and decided to see what was going on. I saw that a person had been hit by a car and they were lying on the pavement. As I got closer I could see that it was a man, even closer I could see that it was a young man, and yet closer I could see that the person lying motionless in a pool of their own blood was the guy who raped me. I couldn't help but laugh and have a crazy sounding giggle come out of the depth of my soul. The whole time I was fixated on his dead body and I wasn't paying any attention to anyone else around me, but suddenly a homeless guy began to wash my windshield with some dirty water and newspapers. I politely asked him to stop, but he turned to me and I realized that he was also the guy who raped me. I turned to look at the cops who were working this traffic accident and all the cops were also the guy who raped me, but they were wearing cop uniforms. It was the same way with the EMS workers, Firemen, other drivers, and the person walking their dog. They were all the guy who raped me.

Me realizing that this was a dream, it didn't freak me out all that much. I drove away and a few miles later I stopped to get gas. While filling my car up I also put the convertible top down so that I could enjoy the sun shine. I continued to drive in no particular direction. Eventually I came up to a truck stop and parked my car. I watched several trucks enter and leave and I wondered to myself what would it feel like to drive one of those 18 wheelers. I figured it was my dream so I got out of my car and walked up to a truck that was parked and opened the door then climbed in. The funny thing is that driving the truck didn't feel any different than driving my Miata.

I drove for miles and miles and then I had a strange idea cross my mind. I thought about finding the guy who raped me and running him over. It didn't take long to find him. Everywhere I looked there he was. He was the milk man, meter maid, construction worker, stock boy gathering grocery baskets, other drivers, people cutting grass, basically he was everyone else. I began to rundown every version of him I could find. This truck I was driving was awesome, it just kept going and going. I could plow right through other vehicles killing my rapist who was inside of them. I plowed through yards, houses, stores, businesses, and any other thing that was between me and him. I left hundreds of miles of destruction and bloody versions of his broken body strewed around.

After a few hours I became sleepy or tired of driving and I went back to that truck stop. I parked the truck where I found it and then got into my Miata and began to drive home with a feeling of satisfaction and vindication. I turned the radio on to my favorite country music station and sang along with all the songs. Suddenly the music was interrupted by an important emergency message. The message verbatim, "Everyone need to remain in their homes. We have a lunatic in an 18 wheeler riving around running people over for no apparent reason. We have two thousand, three hundred, and twenty three confirmed dead, many of them are women and children".

I realized at that point that I had only imagine that all of those people were my rapist, and that I had run over all of those innocent people. I started to cry but my sadness didn't last long. I knew this was just a dream and I chose to change my dream and make all of those people my rapist.

Another emergency message came on the radio and said (verbatim), "It seems like we were misinformed. There wasn't 2,323 individual victims, there was only one victim that was ran over 2,323 times by the same person. The firemen and EMT's are in the process of collecting the leftover body parts".

The music began to play again and I started to sing again. The song that I was singing to was by Martina Mcbride, called Happy Girl. I awoke with the lyrics to that song going through my mind.

I told ya, it was a weird dream. LOL

Happy Girl lyrics

I used to live in a darkened room

Had a face of stone

And a heart of gloom

Lost my hope, I was so far gone

Cryin' all my tears

With the curtains drawn

I didn't know until my soul broke free

I've got these angels watching over me

Oh watch me go

I'm a happy girl

Everybody knows

That the sweetest thing you'll ever see

In the whole wide world

Is a happy girl

I used to hide in a party crowd

Bottled up inside

Feeling so left out

Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes

With my frozen smile

And my lighted fuse

Now every time I start to feel like that

I roll my heart out like a welcome mat

Oh watch me go

I'm a happy girl

Everybody knows

That the sweetest thing you'll ever see

In the whole wide world

Is a happy girl

Laugh when I feel like it

Cry when I feel like it

That's just how my life is

That's how it goes

Oh watch me go

I'm a happy girl

And I've come to know

That the world won't change

Just 'cause I complain

Let the axis twirl

I'm a happy girl

Oh watch me go

I'm a happy girl

Everybody knows

That the sweetest thing you'll ever see

In the whole wide world

Is a happy girl

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

I'm a happy girl

Part 7 Of What Happened To Me

This part of my story picks up where the previous part left off. This to the best of my recollection and estimation took place between 1:30 am and 7:00 am September 3rd, 2011. I feel it prudent to make the readers aware that this part is likely to be triggering for the following reasons, rape, sexual, and physical abuse.

This part of my story I will describe the most painful thing he did to me. Keep in mind this was the most painful thing he did to me physically, not emotionally. I can't really talk about the most painful emotional thing yet and I have only told two people other than my dad, hospital, and law enforcement. I might be able to talk about that sometime in the future, but I am reasonably sure I won't share it on my blog. Okay, now to the most physically painful thing. Here we go I guess.

Indiana Senate Bill SB 4, Anti Sex Trafficking Bill

Lawmakers are working to toughen and close loopholes in Indiana's human trafficking law. SB 4 provides that recruiting, harboring, or transporting another person to participate in sexual conduct by force, threat of force, or fraud constitutes human trafficking. Among other provisions, the measure provides that a person who recruits, harbors, or transports a child less than 16 years of age with the intent of engaging the child in forced labor, involuntary servitude, prostitution, or sexual conduct commits promotion of human trafficking of a minor, a Class B felony punishable by six to 20 years in prison. The bill has already been approved by the Senate by a unanimous vote and speedy action is expected in the House to ensure passage before this year's Super Bowl in Indianapolis. According to committee testimony, human trafficking is estimated to be a $32 billion industry worldwide, affecting nearly 12.3 million adults and children, making it the second largest crime business in the world. Unfortunately, human traffickers are expected to be among the 100,000 people due to gather in Indianapolis for this year's Super Bowl as previous host cities have experienced a spike in this type of criminal activity in the days surrounding this event.

Unfortunately, the Indiana Congress is unable to pass this much needed bill because many of the law makers are purposefully not showing up to do their job because they don't like the potential results of the "Right To Work" bill that is currently up for vote in the Indiana Congress. They are purposefully not showing up at their jobs, the elected positions they were voted into so that there isn't enough members present to vote on the "Right To Work" bill. This means that no bills can get passed during this dereliction of duty. If they disagree with the "Right To Work" bill, fine, vote no, and get on to doing their jobs that we elected them to do and get SB 4 passed to help protect children, men and women from sex trafficking.

CONTACT YOUR INDIANA CONGRESSMAN

An Angry Rant Of Revenge

I have been feeling really angry lately. I don't mean a little upset I mean ANGRY. I feel as if I am looking for things to be angry about. Although I do feel justified in my anger I hate that I have anger in me. An angry person isn't the type of person I want to be. Let me explain just how angry I am. If you are a very sensitive person or someone who is unable to just view my rant as an expression of anger instead of a threat of violence then you probably shouldn't read any further.

Begin Angry Rant -Trigger Warning-

I look back at all the things my assailant did to me and I am furious. I am disappointed in myself for being so easily tricked, but I am beyond angry with him. There are many times that I want retribution for what he did to me. Scratch that, I want revenge, retribution is what I am getting by him being in prison. It isn't enough. I want to hurt him the way he hurt me. I want him to feel the same pain he made me feel. I want to tie him up in helpless ways and shove things into him until his flesh is torn. I want him to cry out for help that never will come. I want to see tears fall down his face and hear his teeth grind in pain so hard that he breaks his own teeth. I want to use a belt and beat him with the buckle end of it until he is bleeding and scarred. I want to have the strength to twist his arm up behind his shoulder blade and keep twisting on it as he cries and until it cracks as the upper part of his arm snaps. I want to use a pocket knife to cut him down their. After he has given up fighting I want to beat him, piss on him, shit on him, and then kick him out onto the middle of the street naked and broken. Scratch that, this is my fantasy, I want him to die in this fantasy. I want to march him to the landfill and put bullets through his head and let his body be eaten by the crows. I like to feed birds.

End Angry Rant -Trigger Warning-

I don't want to be this angry. I don't want to have such awful thoughts about hurting someone even if they deserve it. I feel like I am losing my mind and I feel like I am turning into a person I don't want to be. I don't want to be evil or have evil thoughts. These thoughts of hurting him scare me. They scare me because they comfort me. That's messed up. I am insane, I really believe it.

A Survivors Bill Of Rights

A woman in my support group wrote this and I thought I would share it here. It sure would be nice if it was like this.

Preamble To A Survivors Bill Of Rights

We the Survivors of any form of abuse or assault in order to create a more just environment for healing, emotional support, peace of mind, and mental tranquility establish A Survivors Bill Of Rights to secure the blessings of happiness, emotional liberty, and survivor kinship for all survivors.

A Survivors Bill Of Rights

1) People shall make no negative interpretations of who is or isn't a survivor, nor shall any negative judgments be unduly placed upon the shoulders of a survivor.

2) A well intent support structure necessary for the security of a survivors emotional well being shall not be infringed.

3) No survivor in time of crisis or any other time shall have the undue burden of dealing with their emotions by themselves.

4) The rights of a survivor to secure their own peace of mind, cry out for support, and lean on the shoulders of others shall not be violated.

5) No survivor shall be pressured to answer any questions of others they don't feel comfortable answering or talking about. Nor shall any survivor be compelled by ones self or others to engage, read, or contribute to any discussion, conversation, or subject which that survivor isn't ready or chooses not to engage in.

6) In all criminal prosecutions the survivor shall not be put through an unfair, unjust, and cruel cross examination from the courts, prosecution, or assailants family and friends. Further all survivors shall be treated with the utmost respect, courtesy, and comforting manner by all parties involved and the accused shall be restricted from verbal, visual, mental, and physical intimidation towards the survivor.

7) In all cases in which the prosecution of the assailant has been deemed justified and found the assailant guilty of the crime of physical abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, and/or rape, the survivor shall have the right to legal recourse and monetary compensation for pain and suffering, emotional distress, and reimbursement for any and all expenses as a result of medical, emotional, and mental well being rather it be temporary or ongoing. Further the courts shall enforce this compensation under penalty of further imprisonment of the assailant.

8) Excessive questioning, stress, and invasive examination shall not be imposed upon the survivor in a cruel and uncaring way.

9) These survivor rights shall never be misconstrued or improperly used to limit the rights of that survivor or other survivors.

10) The rights of a survivors personal information, privacy, and circumstances of their assault shall not be trampled upon or unfairly reported and scrutinized by the media rather it be in print, in digital format, on the radio, or on television.

The Ratification of A Survivors Bill Of Rights of all the survivors in the world, shall be sufficient for the Establishment of this Survivors Bill Of Rights. This is done in this forum by the Unanimous Consent of the Survivors present the Sixth Day of September in the Year of two thousand and eleven and of the well being of all survivors of the world. We have hereunto subscribed our Names,

Julia

Dark Healing Road

Well some of you may have noticed that I have taken more than a week off from writing on my blog. I did that so that I could have some time to reflect on me and the person I am on the inside. That may sound a little weird but with all of the court stuff that was going on over the last several months I have had very little time to just examine myself and my emotions. I was understandably captivated with court and so forth. Now that court is over I have very little legal distractions from my emotions and it is a surreal feeling to now be placing most of my healing energy toward healing. Before December 20th it was all about making sure that my assailant went to prison but now it's just me and my emotions and memories.

The regular readers of my blog know that I have been having thoughts of suicide because of all of these emotions that seemed to have crashed in on me after he was sentenced. Well, I want people to know that although the suicidal thoughts are not 100% gone I have come to understand that I really do not want to die. I just want to feel better.

Over the last week and a half I have been sorting out my understanding of my own emotions. That understanding isn't easy to describe in writing but I am working on it. I was recently given the green light by the investigator in charge and the prosecutor that I can talk about anything that happened to me on my blog. I'm still not sure if I am ready to talk about the worse thing he did to me. It feels like if I admit or reveal what the worse thing he did to me was it will be me admitting and revealing that I am now a freak. At a later time perhaps, I just can't talk about it right now. I tried to talk about it in therapy last Thursday and again this Monday but I just couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth. I will try again tomorrow when I go to therapy since I am going twice a week now.

Anyway, I really don't have a whole lot to talk about in this post but I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still keeping, on keeping on. I am still trying to heal and I will it's just going to take time. The problem is I artificially convinced myself that I would be all better once he was sentenced, but I know that's not the case in reality. Honestly that's something I always knew but I tried to ignore it. I am ready to traverse these dark roads as long as I can see some light ahead of me. I see a faint light in the distance, but with my short legs it's going to take a while to get there.