I Really Feel Like I Can't Take Much More Crap In My Life

This morning while I was asleep in bed I kept being awakened by very mild stomach cramps. Later after the alarm clock let me know it was time to get up to get ready for school I noticed that I had been spotting. Although it slightly concerned me I had heard that it can often happen during pregnancy and more often than not, it's not big deal.

Later while at school those very mild stomach cramps kept getting worse, and the entire area down there felt damp. I asked my teacher if I could go to restroom and once in the restroom I noticed that the spotting had turned into bleeding. I knew what was going on, I knew what was happening.

I used my cell phone to call my dad. He was having trouble understanding what I was trying to say. I wasn't ready for this baby, I didn't what a baby under these circumstances, but somehow I was crying and shaking so much that I couldn't talk clearly. Dad still somehow managed to understand enough and told me to find a teacher, but I couldn't leave. Dad finally told me just to wait there and someone will come get me.

I could hear him talking to someone else on his office phone and then he told me that a teacher or someone else from the school was on their way to me. Dad also told me that he was on his way to my school. A few minutes passed and the school counselor asked, "Jaime, are you in here"?

By the time I somewhat composed myself and we walked to the office in the front of the school dad was running in through the front door. Although the school had already called an ambulance dad insisted that it would be quicker for him to drive me to the hospital. To make a long story short, I miscarried.

I simply can't understand why I am so sad over losing something that I didn't want in the first place. Maybe it's because I had built this whole pregnancy as being the positive result from a negative action that I can give the world and two deserving adoptive parents. I really don't know what to think right now, my mind is sort of in a sludge. I feel like I am stuck in a pit of quicksand and each time I reach for a the edge, it gets further away.

What was left of the life that was inside me was sucked out and discarded in a treatment called Vacuum Aspiration. I feel so horrible like I am to blame for this. After getting home I Googled Vacuum Aspiration because I am a curious person. I guess I probably shouldn't have looked it up so soon. It's also a method used for the purpose of abortion. Now I understand there's a vast separation between Vacuum Aspiration after a miscarriage vs. for the purpose of an abortion, but I am left with this very icky feeling.

No more than 5 days ago we had finally narrowed the list of adoptive parents down to 10 and we had already met with 3 of them. What am I going to tell them? How do I explain that I failed them? 

I really feel like I can't take much more crap in my life.

Test Results From The Hospital

Two nights ago I noticed that I was bleeding when I use the restroom. In an effort not to be gross I will simply say that I was bleeding from the back. I have also been feeling really crappy over the last several days. Needless to say I was a little concerned and so was my dad. We went to the hospital and they ran tests. I say tests because they ran more than one type. It will make sense in a second. Both tests have come back.

The reason why I am bleeding is because I have a perforated bowel. The reason why I have that is because of the A@@hole who hurt (raped) me. For anyone who doesn't know what a perforated bowel is... It's basically a tear in the lining of the bowel. Often this tear allows stuff to leak into the gut area where it can cause a massive infection. I am on my way to a massive infection. As a result I am scheduled for surgery to fix the problem Wednesday morning the 21st (tomorrow). I am told they will make two really small incisions in my abdomen and pump air into my gut so that it inflates like a balloon so they have room to work. I am told it's a really minor surgery and if everything goes well I will be home tomorrow night. It's my first time under the knife and I am a little nervous.

There was another thing they tested me for yesterday. They had this test back right away. In fact I knew the results of this test for twenty hours now. It turns out that I am pregnant, and the A@@hole is the sperm contributor. So now I am facing a dilemma. The obvious first question is should I have the baby or not. I'm sixteen, and as much as I like to think I am an adult I am still a kid. I'm not ready to be a parent. My dad along with some others in my life think I should have an abortion. My personal beliefs on abortion are different than my dad's, and I am reasonably sure it is different than many who read this. My personal beliefs simply will not allow me to have an abortion.

Now this leaves me with two options. Keep this baby and raise it the best I can and risk having some sort of resentment toward him or her because of half their genes, or I can seek out a stable family who would gladly and lovingly raise this baby the way a child deserves to be raised. My first instinct is to find the right family. I am worried about becoming attached while the baby is still in me and being unable to let go of him/her.

Although my dad and I are in full shock mode right now, we are also trying to learn what all of our options are and what the legal matters are. I would appreciate any advice people have to give me.

My surgery is scheduled for 7:00am tomorrow. I can't eat for 24 hrs before the surgery. Which means I probably should have eaten more yesterday but I wasn't thinking about food or that I wouldn't be allowed to eat today. I am going to be hungry. I am already hungry.

"God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference..."

--Reinhold Niebuhr