I have noticed some changes in me, more specifically in my personality and perception of those around me. I think my family and close friends see a difference but they can hardly put their fingers on what those changes are. In many respects I am still the same person I always was. I still have this overwhelming urge to figure things out rather it be how things work, why people do this or that, and why I am the way I am. My therapist has told me that my curiosity is a good thing because it will help me in my healing process by compelling me to self-examine. I guess that makes sense. She has also told me to try not to over-examine myself. I'm not sure what she meant by that, but I'm guessing she's worried that my perceptions of my own inner demons will differ from that of a trained professional's perception.
Below are a few of the changes I have noticed:
Personality:
Some of the changes in my personality include me being less comfortable in front of people. This lack of comfort isn't only in front of strangers but also in front of my close friends and family. It seems like my comfort in front of close friends and family shouldn't have changed; after all my assault didn't change them, but it did change my perception of things. This discomfort causes me to keep to myself in my everyday life. I seldom leave the security of my home and when I do I am so hyper aware of everything around me that I'm unable to enjoy what I'm doing. For example the simple act of hanging out with friends makes me uncomfortable. I don't mean a little uncomfortable, but nauseatingly uncomfortable. I think the reason it makes me so uncomfortable is because I now view outside my home as dangerous and inside as safe and much of the conversational topics seem to be trivial.
Even before this happened to me I have never considered myself to be an extraordinarily happy person, nor have I considered myself to be sad or depressed. I use to smile but to be honest with you I can't remember the last time I spontaneously smiled because I was happy. Don't get me wrong I have smiled since my assault but it was purposeful and for other's benefit instead of my own. I have described this attempt to give off an impression of a well mental health as wearing a mask or disguise. Essentially I think that's what I'm doing, putting on a show for others so they don't worry about me. It's uncomfortable, tiring, and even nauseating to keep it up for long periods of time. Just the 7 hours I spend in school drains the life out of me and often it discourages me because I feel like I haven't healed and never will.
Perception:
I have noticed that I look at things differently than I did before. I laugh on the inside at things people find important or devastating. Many of the same things are the same as I found important or troubling before my assault. I use to worry about how people I go to school with thought of me, but now I don't care. I use to worry about some very trivial and temporary things like my hair color, split ends, do my clothes match my shoes, and do my shoes match my purse. Now whenever I am trying to hang around my friends I have this urge to tell them to shut up and quit complaining about the zit you have on your forehead or that your parents won't buy you a dress. I get so angry over hearing people complain over stuff that doesn't matter. I have one friend who complains about her mother all the time, but sometimes I want to stop her in the middle of her rant and tell her at least she still has her mom. For once I want my friends to complain about something that matters. I know how stupid and selfish that sounds and believe me I wouldn't wish real problems on anyone, especially not my friends and family.
It just seems like so much has changed in my life and it will never go back to the way it was before when I was carefree. I think going through the assault I and so many others have, can cause us to grow up mentally and emotionally much sooner than usual.
Since I am sort of losing my train of thought and on the verge of rambling on for pages and pages, I'm going to finish this with one final statement.
The fact of an ever moving time disallows us to change what has already happened, however all actions in life rather it be pleasant or disheartening has an innate ability to teach us a lesson about the value of life. It's our responsibility to open our eyes and ears to the lessons that are often costly so that they don't set out to teach the deaf and blind.
