I was in a really bad mood yesterday. It started right before I went to sleep the night before. I don't have any idea what triggered it because 2 days ago I was in a pretty good mood all day long. Yesterday I woke up all pissed off, not at anything in particular. I felt like I was on the edge of sanity and just one small step away from blowing up.
As some of you may know I started a part time job this week. I only worked 12 hours this week which is okay but I want to work at least 20 hours so I can more easily afford the expenses that come with having a car. Work is pretty easy but there's one thing that bothers me about the job. I think this is one of the things that bothered me so much yesterday. I want to give some quick background so you can see what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from.
I am slightly claustrophobic, always have been. The guy who hurt me held me captive in his van for a 23 hour period of time. The van was similar to a delivery van that you would see UPS or a bread truck using. The inside of it was roughly 7 feet high (just a little shorter than the ceiling in a typical home), about 7 feet wide, and 12 feet long. That's not an extraordinarily tight space but for someone who has a fear or even a slight fear of small spaces it was very unsettling. This isn't even taking into account all the stuff that happened to me in that small space or the fact that I was often blindfolded which made the space seem even smaller.
At the grocery store I work at there's a walk in freezer that just happens to be near the same size as the inside of the van. It bothers me a little to be in there but I know I am safe so it's not too big of a deal. Well, this freezer is designed so that they can be opened from the outside or the inside. All walk in freezer built after a certain year has a safety mechanism which keeps the seal around the door from freezing and trapping someone inside. The manager made me aware of this and has even temporarily placed a handheld radio (walkie-talkie) inside of it just in case someone get's trapped so they can call the manager or someone to help them get out. Being that I hate small spaces and the freezer similarities to the van, I always use something to prop open the door when I am in there. I need to see an open door; it's as simple as that. Yesterday while I was in the freezer someone (coworker) purposely moved the bucket that I was using to prop open the door, causing the door to slam shut. I didn't know at the time that this happened intentionally. No big deal, it will take a few minutes for the door to freeze shut. Long story made short, this employee who was just trying to be funny and had no harming intentions leaned against the door. This gave me the impression that the door had frozen shut. Still, no big deal; I grabbed the radio and called for the manager but of course the manager was out in the parking lot and the radio was on his desk.
After a few minutes the guy who shut the freezer door opened it and let me know that he was just playing a joke on me. I politely told him to never do that again. He was laughing and I then emphasized that I was being serious. He said that it was just a joke and I needed to learn how to take a joke. Now I realize he has no idea what the issue is with me and I do not hold that against him. Still I told him I was being serious about this and he dismissed me.
Later one of the cashiers asked me if I was okay. She said that I looked like I was upset. I told her what happened with the freezer and I also told her that tight spaces are a problem for me. I explained that I'm claustrophobic and that recently something really horrible happened to me in a closed in space. She didn't ask too many questions, but she offered to listen if I needed to talk. This well intentioned cashier at some point told the manager that the guy employee locked me in the freezer. This stirred up controversy that landed right in my lap. As far as I was concerned the freezer incident was over with, but the manager called everyone to the break room for a meeting.
The manager reiterated that this was a work place not a place to horseplay. Okay, good enough. The guy who shut the door on me got upset thinking that I told on him to the manager. I didn't tell on him, the cashier did. He looked at me and called me a snitch and a snob. I was visibly upset at this point and the manager told him again that this wasn't the place for horseplay. The guy co-worker asked what's the big deal about playing a joke on her. It was a harmless joke. I became pissed, I was furious. Why couldn't he have just let this go? I walked up to this co-worker and talked very calmly and quietly. I said, "Brad, I didn't tell on you. As far as I was concerned you locking me in the freezer was over with. Since you want to know what the big deal is I will explain it to you. I am scared of small spaces, maybe you heard of it, claustrophobia. Also since you want to know so badly what the BIG DEAL is, three month ago I was abducted and held captive in a van about the same size as that freezer. I was repeatedly raped and beaten inside that van. So yes BRAD, being locked in that freezer that reminded me so much of that van was such a funny joke. FORGIVE ME FOR NOT LAUGHING."
I felt immediately ashamed after I stopped talking. The fact that everyone else who was there was silent because they didn't know what to say, didn't help. I sort of felt empowered, vindicated, and ashamed all at the same time. I walked out of the meeting and into the employee restroom. It didn't take long before someone came to check on me.
Later after I got home I had a dispute with someone on a support forum. I will say it wasn't with someone on After Silence, it was a different forum. This dispute wasn't a big deal, but an administrator of that forum said to me, "if you don't like it here you can go somewhere else". That hit me the wrong way because I wasn't aware that the dispute I had was a real big deal. The entire dispute came down to an argument that started in a thread. I wasn't even a part of this argument. The gist of it was that the administrator disciplined another forum member, but instead of disciplining them by private message they did it in the thread. Essentially letting everyone know that this person was being punished and what their punishment was. I simply contacted that administrator by private message and told her that I thought it should have been handled privately. I tried to explain that handling this in the thread can embarrass the person in question and it seems unprofessional to do that so publicly. Now keep in mind the person that was being disciplined didn't do some horrible thing, but they did show a little bit of disrespect to another member. The administrator apparently didn't like that I suggested that it would have been better to handle all of this in private. She replied back, "if you don't like it here you can go somewhere else". Maybe I'm too sensitive, but when an administrator of a support forum shows such a lack of common decency I tend to get a bad impression of that forum as a whole.
This just added to everything that was going on in my mind. I felt like removing myself from the world. I almost deleted all my online accounts including my blog, but instead I unplugged for several hours. Plus I have been spending too much time in political debate forums. Sure these forums keep me distracted and since I am being HOME SCHOOLED now, I haven't been able to participate in the debate team that I loved so much at the school I was going to. I thought it would be a fitting replacement. The problem with debate forums is when I leave them and go to a support forum that I need to keep myself sane, I have trouble turning off the competitive debating side of me. As a result I can often become very direct in my opinions.
If I ever become very argumentative, please don't take it as personal. I am a very passionate person and when I see something that I feel really strongly about I can become seemingly cold and insensitive in my responses. If I made anyone feel bad during one of my many opinions please accept my apology.
