Why did you enjoy hurting me?
I can't even begin to understand the appeal of seeing someone suffer. You not only enjoyed seeing me suffer but you also clearly enjoyed being the cause to this suffering. There were many times where you weren't hurting me in a sexual way and only a physical way, but you still became sexually aroused presumably by my out-loud cries and tears. Many times as I suffered the pain of your physical abuses I saw you become erect. Then because of the twisted person you are, you then satisfied your sexual urge by using me. What kind of person are you that you can see someone suffer and be the manufacturer of that suffering and be aroused by it?
Was it all premeditated?
Your actions, demeanor, and attitude suggest that your cruelty was premeditated. You had a van that for lack of a better description had a torture chamber built into the back of it. You had a duffle bag full of things like rope, handcuffs, duct-tape, gags, and tools. I can only presume that this was your personal version of a rape kit. How long did it take you to modify your van into a torture chamber? Was this something that you worked on for hours, days, or weeks? Did someone help you or were you able to come up with all these plans on your own. You had a cooler filled with enough ice, food, and drinks that you could have kept me with you for 3 or more days. Did you plan on torturing me longer than 23 hours or were you making sure you were prepared?
Was I specifically part of the premeditation?
I have tried so hard to wrap my head around what you did to me, but as hard as I try I can't seem to. We knew of each other but we didn't really know each other. You were an 18 year old student at my high school and we have seen each other in school but we weren't friends, we weren't even really friends of friends. Did you see me at school and then start fantasizing about hurting me? Was this something that developed over time or did you instantly know that I was the one you wanted to hurt?
The night we ran into each other at the mall did you already know I was there or were you just looking for anyone you thought you could manipulate into getting into your van?
Were you going to kill me?
Many times while you were hurting me you made threats to kill me. You threatened to strangle me with your own hands and a few times you did choke me into near unconsciousness. You held a knife against my throat and laughed as you saw me cry. You threatened to handcuff me to a heavy weight and throw me off the bridge into the Ohio River. You even threatened to fill a water bottle up with Drano and force me to drink it or squeeze it into me like a douche. All of these threats I took serious because once you raped me 2 or 3 times I realized you were capable of anything.
Why did you let me go?
After all the times you raped, sodomized, molested, beat, threatened, and tortured me, you let me go. Why would you do that? Did you not realize that I would tell the police what happened? Surly you realized that I had to go to the hospital as a result of your assault and that would lead to questions of what happened to me. Further you had to assume that the questions would lead to the truth and the truth to evidence collection and evidence would lead to your arrest. Did you want to be arrested? Did you want this before you assaulted me, during the assault, or just at the end?
Why did you later confess?
When they arrested you it took only a few hours before you confessed to what you did, but as much as they tried to figure out the "WHYS" of the case you were silent.
Are there other victims of yours out there?
Was I the one and only victim? How many others have you hurt and are they still alive? Did your intimidation keep them fearful and in a state of silence? Did you assume that I would be so scared of you that I would remain silent?
Do you regret what you did to me?
I can't imagine that someone could ever hurt another person the way you hurt me. I can't fathom it. I have tried to understand the "WHYS", but I obviously have too much sanity to understand the enjoyment of seeing people suffer.
At some point when you was hurting me did you regret what you did to me, and is that why you let me go and then later after being arrested confess to hurting me?
What I think of you.
I think you are very simple minded although you have an intelligents about you that gives you the ability to seem trustworthy but that's about it. I think each and every person in this world has animalistic desires but the vast majority of us understand right from wrong and we care about how our actions affect others. You on the other hand are a sociopath.
I think you premeditated most of what you did to me, but I think I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. It just happened to be the same time you were on the prowl. I think if it wasn't me it would have been someone else. For that reason I am glad that you chose me instead of one of my friends or GOD forbid, a child. I think you let me go because you were so sure that you had broken me and that I wouldn't turn you in. Once the police had enough evidence to arrest you I think you realized there was too much evidence and that's why you confessed. Sad thing is I imagine you confessed not out of regret or remorse, but as an attempt to manipulate the court system into thinking you're remorseful. I can't imagine that you could expect leniency after what you did to me, but then again I am not as fucked up as you are.
I am beyond the point where I am safe to assume that you will be in prison for many years. I could sit here with a very vindictive yet satisfying look on my face with the thought of you becoming the prison play toy. Who gets passed around and used on a nightly basis by those much more physically powerful than you, but I don't want you to be used that way. I know what it feels like and I wouldn't wish that upon even my worst enemy, and yes, you're my worst enemy. Ideally you will become reformed, but since I don't think a monster could ever be anything but a monster, I simply hope that you will die of old age while still behind bars.
If I could ignore my humanity and all the things that make me the person I am, I would want you to be tortured to death. I am glad I have a conscious, because I don't want to be as weak minded as you. I don't want to be so empty that I fill myself with anger and the suffering of others.
As much as I despise you with every fiber of my being, I still feel sorry for you. Not because you will undoubtedly feel the isolation of prison that separates you from society or that you will be surrounded by other monsters that may view you as prey. I feel sorry for you because you are incapable of understanding love. You are incapable of sharing love. If you can't understand or share love, you will never KNOW love. What an empty life that will be for you. While you face the day to day solitude of your loveless life, I will be surrounded with people who love me and people whom I love. That's what you were powerless to take from me, and still are powerless to take away from me.
Jaime, I can't express how utterly proud I am of you for writing this letter. This must have been an emotional challenge for you, but you did it, and it is such a powerful letter.
ReplyDeleteYour letter brought tears to my eyes. Not because I felt sad or anything like that, but because your words echo the strength of someone not willing to give up. You are not broken beyond repair.
You still have compassion, empathy, and most importantly, like you said, love.
"I feel sorry for you because you are incapable of understanding love. You are incapable of sharing love. If you can't understand or share love, you will never KNOW love. What an empty life that will be for you. While you face the day to day solitude of your loveless life, I will be surrounded with people who love me and people whom I love. That's what you were powerless to take from me, and still are powerless to take away from me."
What a powerful paragraph. It's so true. I came across a post a survivor had left on one of the online forums that mentioned in its title something about how rapists can't take away our sense of self. I found this comment confusing because I felt like my sense of self fled and I've been chasing it ever since! Much more important than having my virginity taken from me was losing my sense of self, but like you said in your letter, I never lost the ability to love or be loved.
No matter how unloving our rapists acted, we are fortunate to still have people in our lives who love us. It might be difficult to accept or understand their love sometimes because we've lost our sense of self which causes us to think we don't deserve it; however, the love we share with those near and dear to us cannot be taken. It is the love of others and our ability to love them back that drives the restoration of our sense of self. In rape, our inner most selves can be stripped away in a matter of seconds, but love, the greatest of all gifts, cannot be taken away from us. Because of this, we are not broken beyond repair. Love is the glue that we can use to help put ourselves back together (and that's some pretty dang strong glue!).
After rape, we feel empty, but like you said, it's the rapists who are empty. They only know a distorted love that involves only themselves. What a shallow empty life they lead. They live an illusion.
Jaime, you have overcome so much already, and it is such an inspiration to us onlookers. I look forward to the day when not only your mind recognizes your power, but when your heart catches up and your sense of self is restored.
Keep up the hard work. Thank you for this powerful and inspiring post.
Thank you for your encouragement.
ReplyDeleteIt's just been hard lately and the closer it gets to the 20th, the harder it is going to get. I was to skip the next 9 days. Dad is anxious too, I can tell.
Grandma and some of my family is coming up here on that day. A bunch of the family wanted to be there but I don't want a buch of family there so dad told a bunch of them that he appreciates them but I need to privacy. I'm tired, I need to go to sleep.
I'm anxious for you, too, but I am hopeful that justice will be served. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I think that you are so brave.
ReplyDeleteJaime,
ReplyDeleteI want to say the first words that come to my mind, "I AM SO PROUD OF YOU", You are an amazing girl, you write very powerful words - and your words do not only therapeutically help you, they help other people as well. As the mother of both a victim and a perpetrator , I have to tell you that reading your letter, reading your story lets me into my own child's mind, and allows me to see what I need to address and that he can still become a strong and independent young man and adult. My little boy was stripped of every shred of innocence he had by my oldest son. Someone he trusted more than the air he relied on to breathe. It is a scary vicious cycle, and I know that he in turn could withhold that hate and rage for so long that he too could become a monster in the future, but I don't believe he will, he is strong like you. He cares about other people, he is only 8 years old, and he is confused in this world, but with our guidance I know that he will be a fighter like you are.
I want you to know more than anything that I am proud of you, and I hold the words that you wrote to me so very deep in my heart, reading your words helped to heal part of this open wound inside me, that while I know will never fully be repaired, it is knowing that I am doing the right thing by my children and hearing it from someone who has lived it, is more inspiration to our future then you could possibly even fathom at this moment in life.
You are a very tough girl, and I have high admiration for you and what you are going through and how tough you are and how well you tell your story. One day I plan to write 17's apology letter for my blog, and you can read what goes through the mind of a perpetrator, maybe not yours, but they pretty much all think alike, it is textbook and it is scary. I raised 17, by myself. I would love to blame someone for his actions, but unfortunately the only blame to be placed is on him. I tried to take the blame at first, maybe if I would have done something differently, maybe if I would have just.............NO!!! I did not raise him to sexually assault my child, or anyone else for that matter, I will take none of that blame, and like you, can only learn and ask questions about WHY.
He is my son and I still don't know WHY....the answer I got was "because he was available" absolutely sick if you ask me, but unfortunately that is probably the case, he was available, and so were you. Wrong time, wrong place..... but truth be told, we are STRONG, we are FIGHTERS and I hope one day my son (8) can be half as strong as you are.
(((Hugs back)))
Author Unknown
Thank you for all your kind words that are encouraging to me. If my words have the ability to comfort or encourage you, I am honored. That means that I am accomplishing what I set out to do with this blog.
ReplyDeleteI'm really not that as strong or brave as you think I am. I know with your support, "8" will become way stronger than I. "8" is in my prayers along with 17, 11, 15, and you. I hope I remembered the ages right.