Less than two days ago the guy who raped me was sent to prison for a minimum of 27 years. That's at least 27 years where I know I will not need to worry about him. Anyway you cut it, 27 years is a long time and a justified punishment for the things he did. I have even found out several weeks ago that there were other girls that had since come forward with accusations of sexual assault by the same guy who raped me. I can't get into the entire nature of their accusations because I honestly don't have all of the details. However I do know that at least one additional charge has been filed. I think at this point it is safe to assume that the 27 year sentence that he is currently serving could potentially have some more time tacked onto it as the result of other charges.
This morning he was moved from the jail he was housed in during all of this court stuff to a more permanent housing facility. This brings me to a quandary of sorts in how I think I should feel verses the way I think I feel. I say think because as I write this post I am still trying to understand the way I feel. A big part of me was really hoping that him being sentenced and me talking in front of the entire courtroom about the things he did to me would somehow create closure for me, but it didn't. I don't understand why. If my story would have been someone else's story I would have been telling them how brave they are and how proud I am for what they did. I would have told them that they are a hero, but when I look at myself through my eyes I don't see anything heroic. I would tell anyone else that had a similar outcome that they were victorious over their adversary, but my victory feels hollow. I don't understand why it would feel that way.
I had this idea or maybe it was an assumption that after he was sentenced that his punishment would become real and I would feel vindicated. When he was first sentenced I was mentally trying to decipher the sentence because people in courtrooms seldom seem to talk in plain English. All these numbers were thrown into the air and I was just trying to grasp them on an intellectual level so that I could understand what they meant. Once I understood the numbers I was relieved and I sort of felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest and I could finally breath. I felt safer than I had felt since before any of this happened. Unfortunately most of these euphoric feelings had passed within 12 hours of him being sentenced, and I found myself feeling like I needed to put on a show and a happy smile for everyone around me.
I was so tired after I got home from court because of the lack of sleep that I have had over the last few days. Really the lack of sleep has been since this happened. I come home from court with my eyes so tired that they felt like they had gravel in them. I thought for sure that I was going to be able to lie down and fall to sleep with a peaceful demeanor about me, but instead I lay down in bed and cried. Why did I cry? Why am I still crying? I should be happy that he is tucked away safe from society where he can't hurt anymore innocent people. Don't misunderstand me; I am glad he is in prison. I was hoping I would feel a sense of freedom because his sentence is being served, but I don't feel free; I feel like I am in prison. I feel trapped within myself and I don't know how to find the exit. I am trying so had to find this exit but I can't and it's driving me crazy. I feel like I am crazy.
I am scared that I will not be able to know who I can trust in the future. If I can't gain some sort of confidence in myself to make a wise choice to trust or not to trust, how can I ever become something more than this emotional wreck who keeps herself shielded in the presumed comfort and safety of these four walls? For example - I live in a relatively safe neighborhood, and often I have to walk a mile to and from work because of my schedule and the fact that I don't yet have a car. This morning was one of those mornings and as I was walking to work I heard someone coming up on foot behind me. I turned my head a little to see how far back they were and I saw that is was a guy running toward me. I walked faster being that my friend's mom and dad's house was a few doors up. As I heard the footsteps getting close I realized that he would reach me before I got to their house so I ran. I sprinted as fast as I could and banged on their door while I was yelling for someone to let me in. As they opened the door the guy who was running ran by the house and I saw that he had a jogging suit on and he was simply out getting a morning run in for exercise. It was a little difficult and embarrassing to try and explain to my friend's dad why I was shaking and had tears running down my face. I don't feel free and I really don't feel safe. I know I am safe from the guy that raped me, but I see danger everywhere. I honestly wonder if today, tonight, this evening, or this afternoon will be the day I am abducted and raped again. I also feel like I know that it will happen again, but this time it will be worse. This makes me feel hollowed out and makes this so called judicial victory seem hollow. I hate this feeling. I know I am going crazy, sane and rational people don't think this way.
you, dearest, are not crazy. at all. i wouldve cried too. its a roller coaster emotional time youre going through.. be gentle with yourself and let those emotions flow is all i can say i guess <3
ReplyDeleteI am nuttier than squirrel poop. I know.
ReplyDelete*poke* shuddup =P, <3
ReplyDeletegrr i posted my comment wrrronggg... try again..
ReplyDelete*poke*! shuddup =P <3
Hey, misfitspartan from fb and as. I just figured I'd tell you what I see; wheb i read your posts, you remind me very much of mev emotionally that is. People say how strong you are or brave or wjatever, and it's really hard to believe it for yourself, even wheb you know you would feel that way if somebody else had been in your position. Point is, i can relate to what you're feeling.. it has been almost 1yr since my last attack (main/worst abuser moved at end of jan). And i still see him when i see people walking down the street. I still hear and feel him and the others.. i still feel like it will happen again, I've felt that way for as long as i can remember. I think part of healing and dealing is that over time (maybe months, maybe years) we slowly learn to trust others, and more importantly we begin to relearn to trust ourselves- because that, i believe, is the hardest part. I am SLOWLY starting to trust myself again.. but i fall back again a alot.. and i have my husband to help ne feel more secure. (For a long time having him didn't help.. like you having your dad and still feeling vulnerable... But in time that could change). Stay strong jaime.. eveb if beibg strong only means having the courage to cry (still facing your demons) or only means choosing not to end it all and to carry on. Even if you don't feel strong, you show strength. Also, you don't have to feel better just because he's beibg punished- you feel what you will for as long as it takes. You're amazing in my- and many others'- eyes. Sorry for being so long.
ReplyDeleteManually transferred over from the mobile commenting system.
ReplyDeletemisfitspartan said:
"Hey, misfitspartan from fb and as. I just figured I'd tell you what I see; wheb i read your posts, you remind me very much of mev emotionally that is. People say how strong you are or brave or wjatever, and it's really hard to believe it for yourself, even wheb you know you would feel that way if somebody else had been in your position. Point is, i can relate to what you're feeling.. it has been almost 1yr since my last attack (main/worst abuser moved at end of jan). And i still see him when i see people walking down the street. I still hear and feel him and the others.. i still feel like it will happen again, I've felt that way for as long as i can remember. I think part of healing and dealing is that over time (maybe months, maybe years) we slowly learn to trust others, and more importantly we begin to relearn to trust ourselves- because that, i believe, is the hardest part. I am SLOWLY starting to trust myself again.. but i fall back again a alot.. and i have my husband to help ne feel more secure. (For a long time having him didn't help.. like you having your dad and still feeling vulnerable... But in time that could change). Stay strong jaime.. eveb if beibg strong only means having the courage to cry (still facing your demons) or only means choosing not to end it all and to carry on. Even if you don't feel strong, you show strength. Also, you don't have to feel better just because he's beibg punished- you feel what you will for as long as it takes. You're amazing in my- and many others'- eyes. Sorry for being so long."
Thank you.
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