May 26th - What Could Have Been

This is a weird time for me for several reasons, but the main reason that comes to mind is because of what the next seven days represent. It represents what could have been and what would have been coming to an end for me and beginning a new for someone else. The more I think about it the more it sort of boggles my mind and leaves me feeling empty. It's that empty feeling that I am having trouble wrapping my head around.

May 26th, 2012 would have been a very difficult day for me. It would have likely been the most painful day I had ever known and it would have likely been one of the most emotionally trying day. May 26th, 2012 which is only one week from today would have been the due date of the child I lost while I was in a restroom at school. It would have been the day I would be VOLUNTARILY handing over my parental rights and responsibility as a parent, to someone I entrusted to do the job I think I am/would be too young to handle. It would have been the day I gave birth to a child who's biological father is in prison and will be their for more than 26 more years because he is a rapist.

Return To Therapy - And A Memory Of A Bad Day

Sometimes things don't seem real. It feels like my life is a dream that I am unable to awake from. A dream that is keeping me trapped and held prisoner in my own angry, painful, tearful, and never ending sludge of a memory. I am really scared and I have no idea what I should do to feel better. I have tried everything but nothing works.

I started seeing my therapist again on Thursday. Although I know that she isn't judging me in a negative way because I stopped seeing her for 4 weeks, I still feel like she sees me as a failure. Of course I am smart enough to know that it isn't her that sees me that way, it is me. The way I am feeling is the epitome of a double standard in that I would never think that another survivor is a failure if they were in my exact shoes. So why do I KNOWINGLY judge myself so egregiously incorrect? If someone who was in my shoes told me that they feel like a failure I would tell them that there is so much empirical proof that shows them to be an amazing success, but when it comes to telling myself the same things I REFUSE to accept it.

Immediately After My Assault - The Hospital

I am going to describe the 16 or so hours immediately after my rapist released me so that others who make the choice to report their rape can know what to expect. Please keep in mind that I am not going to give a step by step procedure simply because I don't remember the details.

When I was released I wasn't simply shown the door that led to my freedom. Instead he drove me to the street in front of my house and opened the side door to the van then pushed me out onto the ground. I wasn't given the chance to put my clothes on and was shoved out onto the ground naked. In all honesty I didn't know where I was at as he drove away and when I fell on solid ground I was surprised. He told me several times that he was going to throw me into the Ohio River and let me drown, and I believed him. After I fell to the ground I stood on my hands and knees for a few seconds and waited for him to finish me off. Instead, I heard his van drive away and I turned to look just in time to see him drive around the corner several houses down the road. Suddenly I realized he was gone, I was free, and still alive. I began to look around and it dawned on me that I was home, that was my house no more than 100 feet away. I picked myself up off the ground and ran into the house where dad and my little sister Aimee was sitting on the couch. I screamed for my dad as I burst in through the door. I have never seen my dad get to his feet as fast as he did, and the way he took charge was somewhat comforting. Dad grabbed a blanket that we keep on the back of the couch and wrapped it around me and then he told Aimee to go into my room and get some clothes for me to wear. The first thing dad said to me was, "Everything is going to be okay now". It was also the thing I needed to hear the most at that moment. Dad and Aimee had to help me get my sweat pants and t-shirt on because I used the last bit of strength I had left to run into the house.

Dad didn't ask a lot of questions as he drove us to the hospital. I didn't think much about it at the time as to why he wasn't asking questions, but I was glad that he wasn't. I don't think I could have answered any questions in the immediate few minutes. I think dad only asked one question and it was, "Are you okay?" When I started writing this I couldn't remember what my reply was or even if I made a reply, but I asked dad about it and him and I talked for several hours. Dad said that I didn't give a verbal answer, nor did I nod my head. Dad said that I signed the word "no". I only know a few words in ASL (American Sign Language), "no" is one of them. Dad on the other hand knows ASL because some of his family is deaf. I sort of remember dad calling the police, but the memory is kind of clouded. Dad told me that he called 911 and told them that he was on the way to the emergency room because of an assault and severe injury. They wanted to know the nature of the assault but dad didn't really know how to answer but he told them that the police needed to be there.

There was a nurse with a wheelchair waiting by the emergency entrance when we pulled up. I was wheeled into an examination area where the only thing separating me from other patients was a network of curtains. The nurse began to ask me what happened to me, but I was unable to get any words to come out of my mouth. I don't remember dad saying this, but he told me today that he told the nurse that I may have been sexually assaulted. I do remember the nurse asking me if I was sexually assaulted, and I sort of remember nodding my head yes. Dad told me that the nurse told him that we would be moving to a private examination room. I don't remember her saying that, but I do remember being wheeled into a room that had four walls and a door, it was a private room, and it was the first time I remember feeling the slightest bit safe in more than 23 hours.

A different nurse who is specially trained to talk to sexual assault victims came in and asked me if I was sexually assaulted. She said I had to tell her "yes" or "no" so that they could know how to proceed. "YES" was the first word I spoke after he released me. The nurse asked me if I was filing a report or just needing medical attention. Dad told her that the police have already been called and that they were on there way. Out of all the things I remember one of the most vivid memories I have from the hospital is the sound of dad's voice as he was answering questions for the nurse. Most of the questions at this point were routine and consisted of my name, age, medical history, etc. Some of the other questions were, "Was you raped? Do you know who raped you? How long ago did it happen? Have you showered or bathed since the rape? I had trouble answering these questions. My mouth simply refused to work, but somehow I managed to answer. Dad's voice cracked while he was talking to the nurse. She asked dad to step out into the hallway with her for a minute. I looked at my dad and he knew I didn't want him to leave. He grabbed my hand and told me that he would be right back and then he walked out with the nurse. I have really good hearing and I could hear what the nurse was saying to my dad. At the time I was a little angered by the nurse for telling my dad that he needs to be strong, he needs to hold it together, and he needs to be brave for me. It felt almost as if she was scolding dad because he cared about me. I know now that the nurse did the right thing. She knew that I needed dad to be a solid foundation for me so that I could be strong. My dad told me when we was talking about all of this last night, when I was writing this that he struggled to keep himself together. I knew he was emotional that night but he seemed far stronger then than he described himself to be.

The nurse needed us to give consent to perform evidence collection. We both gave verbal consent and signed a consent form. After signing the paper she repeated to dad and I several times what we were giving consent to. She explained that they were going to collect DNA samples from fluids in my vagina, scrape my fingernails for skin, take pictures so they can document my injuries. She told me that this was going to be a long procedure and that it will make me feel very uncomfortable. She wasn't lying, it seemed like it took forever, and I felt so exposed, but it wasn't as bad as it was in the van. I knew I was safe, and dad being with me really, really, really helped. I couldn't have done it if he wasn't there.

After the consent forms were signed the nurse left to go get the evidence collection kit. A detective who works with sexual assault victims walked in and began to ask me question. He asked many of the same initial questions that the nurse asked. As soon as he realized that I knew my attacker he wanted as much information about him as possible. I gave the detective the name of my attacker and told him that he what street he lived on. It must have taken me 10 minutes to get just his name and where he lives out of my mouth. The detective didn't waste anytime getting that guys information out to other cops who then tried to find him. By the time my rape examination was finished, my attacker was in handcuffs. It would be the next day before I knew he was arrested.

Evidence Collection:

The first collections they gathered was semen samples. They collected several samples, I guess to make sure they had a viable sample. They then documented all of my injuries in written form and with a camera. Every time the camera clicked I wanted to scream. Every time my hospital gown was lifted or lowered, I cringed and wanted to disappear. It was a horrible experience but it was a necessary one. They took dozens of pictures of all my injuries while simultaneously evaluating my injuries. They didn't treat any of my injuries until after they collected all the evidence. That makes sense because I imagine they wanted to make sure they didn't taint the evidence. After the physical evidence was collected I had to give a much more detailed account of my attacker and what he did to me while the doctor and nurse were actually treating me for my injuries. After about 4 hours they had all the pictures, samples, and statements and they could actually start to clean me up and treat my bigger injuries. I had an x-ray done on my left arm, ribs, wrists, jaw, and head.

While waiting for the x-rays to come back I was given stitches for all of my cuts, and was hooked up to an IV. They wanted to make sure I was re-hydrated properly. I was also given something for anxiety and some pain medicine that pretty much knocked me out. I don't remember too much for the next several hours. Dad told me that I was sort of like a zombie. The last clear memory I have is the doctor injecting something into my IV line and him telling me that it will make me very sleepy. About 3 hours later I was becoming aware of what was going on around me and I was lying in bed in a private room. I had a cast on my arm and several bandages. Dad was still there with me and so was grandma. She drove 5 hrs to be with me. Aimee (my little sister) was at home with my aunt.

I stayed in the hospital for the next 10 hours I think before I was released. It was late Sunday evening when I finally got home. It had been more than two days since I felt the comfort of my home and I was glad to be home. Dad has so many questions, so did Aimee and grandma but they didn't press for answers. I was too scared to be in my room by myself and as much as possible I stayed in the living room with dad.

Over the next few days dad looked through the literature the hospital counselor had given us and he found a therapist for me to talk to. I spent more than 3 weeks waiting for the wounds to heal, and the bruises to go away. I began my blog before my bruises were gone, I guess I needed a way of venting without using verbal words. I guess this is all I have to share right now. This was harder to write than I thought it was going to be. It's going on 4am and I have to be up for school in 2 hours. I might skip school, I'm pretty sure all I would do is cry anyway.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

He Was Sentenced Today

Okay, this is what his sentence is.

The charge of ASSAULT IN THE FIRST DEGREE he received 15 years. By law 85% of sentence has to be served before eligibility for parole. Which comes to 12 years and 9 months.

The charge of RAPE IN THE FIRST DEGREE he received the minimum of 20 years of which 85% of the sentence has to be served before eligibility for parole. Which comes to 17 years.

The sentencing for assault and rape are to be served concurrently. This basically means that he serves these two sentences at the same time. So instead of adding the years it pretty much defaults to the higher number. This means on these two charges he will spend not less than 17 years behind bars.

The charge of ABDUCTION-UNLAWFUL IMPRISONMENT he received 25 years. He will be eligible for parole after only 10 years of that sentence.

However the sentence for abduction is to be served consecutive with the other two. This all breaks down to him having to serve 17 years for raping and torturing me, and then he will start to serve his sentence for abduction which is 25 years.

If he is a model inmate he will spend no less than 27 years in prison before he is eligible for parole.

If he is denied parole he will spend 42 years in prison.

He is 18 years old now and he will not even have a chance to see freedom until he is 45 years old (the year 2038).

If he is consistently denied parole he will be 60 years old upon his release in 2053.

I plan on showing up to all of his parole hearings to make sure he is denied parole.

On a side note:

I have read my statement so many times that I barely even needed to look at the paper in my hand and only had to stop once to collect my thoughts. I left out one sentence on purpose, the sentence where I referred to him as a puppet master. I left that out because as I was reading/reciting it to the court I realized something. He isn't the master of anything not even himself. He is going to be told when to eat, sleep, exercise, and shower for the next several years; that's the actions of a puppet not a master. Also when I got to the part in my statement where I was suppose to say the following,

"I want the court to know that I'm not afraid, but mostly I want the defendant to know that I am not afraid of the word rape anymore; nor am I afraid of him."

I turned toward this deranged person and said this instead.

"I want the court to know that I'm not afraid, but mostly I want the YOU to know that I am not afraid of the word rape anymore; nor am I afraid of YOU."

I am home and I feel safer than I have felt in almost 4 months. I am sleepy and I am going to take a nap. Something tells me that I am going to be able to sleep pretty good.

A Disturbingly Weird Dream

I Had A Bad Weird Dream. I guess since it's getting so close to the court date that I am getting really stressed out or something. I had a really weird and quite honestly a very disturbing dream. This post is a description of this dream. I will try to keep it as short as I can and still be able to explain it in enough detail so everyone gets the idea. This description should be considered triggering for "emotionally conflicting images" and a general sense of ickyness. You will understand once you read.

This dream takes place in the courtroom and it seems to be my rapists sentencing. We are all in the courtroom; my dad, lawyer, and I are sitting in the front just behind the prosecutor. The rest of my family is sitting in the back roll on the same side of the isle as us. My rapist is there and so is his family. They are all sitting on the other side of the isle behind his defense attorneys. It looks like all of his family has shown up, but the weird thing is all the women are wearing really pretty and colorful dresses and the men are wearing tuxedos. I also notice that my rapist's lawyers and my rapist are also wearing tuxedos. The biggest difference is my rapist's tuxedo is one of those really cheesy baby blue colored tuxedos like you could picture from when your parents were kids. Although all this was really weird looking I didn't think a lot of it because I had other stuff on my mind than their messed up clothes choice. The judge walks in but he's not wearing a judges robe; instead he's dressed like the pope.

The court becomes quiet and the judge asks, "Does anyone have anything to say before sentence is carried out"?

My lawyer stands and says, "Yes, your majesty; Jaime has something to say".

I stood up and began to read the statement I have prepared. I was having trouble reading because for some strange reason the words I wrote didn't seem to make sense. All the words were there but they were out of order. I'm struggling to get through this and I can see my dad out of the corner of my eye shaking his head in disappointment. He's also sighing in frustration. I turn to look at him for support and encouragement to help me get through this and that's when I notice that he had removed his button-up dress shirt, revealing a t-shirt that read, "Don't blame me, SHE WAS A STRAY". I began to look around the courtroom and notice that everyone had the same look on their face; it was a look of confusion. People were also snickering like I was doing a bad performance or something. The judge who is dressed like a pope was dozing off and the bailiff kept poking him in the side to keep him awake. I finally finished reading my statement.

The judge then asked, "Does anyone else have anything to say before sentence is carried out"?

The defense attorney then stood up and said, "Yes".

That's when the guy who raped me stood up and began to speak. I don't remember the exact words but I do remember the gist of it. He was telling the courtroom that HE FORGIVES ME FOR ASSAULTING HIM. I was immediately thinking to myself, WHAT THE HELL. Everyone in the courtroom was nodding their heads in agreement with his statements. They believed that I was his assailant. He made his statement by memory and didn't stutter at all. He was very clear in the way he spoke like he was a professional speaker. After a few minutes he finished.

The judge said, "Would the defendant please stand for sentencing".

My rapist didn't stand-up, there was an eerie silence. I heard some giggles and then once again the judge repeated himself, "Would the defendant please stand for sentencing".

Again he didn't stand-up and the giggles and snickering in the courtroom became louder. I could tell the judge was losing patience and then he slammed his gavel onto the podium and said, "We don't have time for this non-sense. Would the court officer please make the defendant stand for sentencing"?

At that moment everyone in the courtroom turned to the bailiff and watched him as he walked not over to my rapist, but over to me. The bailiff lifted me to my feet from under my arm. I suddenly realized that I was the defendant; I was the one being sentenced. After I was forced to my feet the judge began to read the sentence, "20 years for rape, 20 years for assault, and 20 years for abduction and false imprisonment. Now get that piece of trash out of my courtroom".

I couldn't understand what was happening. The bailiff began to handcuff me and I was looking at my dad for help, but he was just sitting there reading a magazine. I called out for him but he put his finger over his mouth to tell me to shhhhh.

This is where the dream gets really weird and disturbing. As I was being escorted out of the courtroom and toward the holding cells, I heard my rapist yelling and protesting MY SENTENCE. I was placed in a holding cell and then the door was shut behind me. About five or ten minutes passed and my dad finally walked back there and told me that they have figured out a compromise that would keep me out of jail. I kept asking him, "What compromise, how am I supposed to compromise when I am the victim"?

I was walked back into the courtroom and they stood me right next to my rapists and he got down on one knee and said, "I forgive you for being the dirty little whore you are and I will marry you so that you don't have to go to prison".

Suddenly I realized why his family was wearing tuxedos.

Needless to say this is when I woke up and I wasn't able to go back to sleep.

What the heck is this crap about? It was off the chart ridicules and disturbing. I must have taken 1 too many punches to the head and have brain damage to have a dream like that.

Part 6 Of What Happened To Me

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A Letter To My Rapist

Dear Sexual Assailant,

Why did you enjoy hurting me?

I can't even begin to understand the appeal of seeing someone suffer. You not only enjoyed seeing me suffer but you also clearly enjoyed being the cause to this suffering. There were many times where you weren't hurting me in a sexual way and only a physical way, but you still became sexually aroused presumably by my out-loud cries and tears. Many times as I suffered the pain of your physical abuses I saw you become erect. Then because of the twisted person you are, you then satisfied your sexual urge by using me. What kind of person are you that you can see someone suffer and be the manufacturer of that suffering and be aroused by it?

Was it all premeditated?

Your actions, demeanor, and attitude suggest that your cruelty was premeditated. You had a van that for lack of a better description had a torture chamber built into the back of it. You had a duffle bag full of things like rope, handcuffs, duct-tape, gags, and tools. I can only presume that this was your personal version of a rape kit. How long did it take you to modify your van into a torture chamber? Was this something that you worked on for hours, days, or weeks? Did someone help you or were you able to come up with all these plans on your own. You had a cooler filled with enough ice, food, and drinks that you could have kept me with you for 3 or more days. Did you plan on torturing me longer than 23 hours or were you making sure you were prepared?

Was I specifically part of the premeditation?

I have tried so hard to wrap my head around what you did to me, but as hard as I try I can't seem to. We knew of each other but we didn't really know each other. You were an 18 year old student at my high school and we have seen each other in school but we weren't friends, we weren't even really friends of friends. Did you see me at school and then start fantasizing about hurting me? Was this something that developed over time or did you instantly know that I was the one you wanted to hurt?

The night we ran into each other at the mall did you already know I was there or were you just looking for anyone you thought you could manipulate into getting into your van?

Were you going to kill me?

Many times while you were hurting me you made threats to kill me. You threatened to strangle me with your own hands and a few times you did choke me into near unconsciousness. You held a knife against my throat and laughed as you saw me cry. You threatened to handcuff me to a heavy weight and throw me off the bridge into the Ohio River. You even threatened to fill a water bottle up with Drano and force me to drink it or squeeze it into me like a douche. All of these threats I took serious because once you raped me 2 or 3 times I realized you were capable of anything.

Why did you let me go?

After all the times you raped, sodomized, molested, beat, threatened, and tortured me, you let me go. Why would you do that? Did you not realize that I would tell the police what happened? Surly you realized that I had to go to the hospital as a result of your assault and that would lead to questions of what happened to me. Further you had to assume that the questions would lead to the truth and the truth to evidence collection and evidence would lead to your arrest. Did you want to be arrested? Did you want this before you assaulted me, during the assault, or just at the end?

Why did you later confess?

When they arrested you it took only a few hours before you confessed to what you did, but as much as they tried to figure out the "WHYS" of the case you were silent.

Are there other victims of yours out there?

Was I the one and only victim? How many others have you hurt and are they still alive? Did your intimidation keep them fearful and in a state of silence? Did you assume that I would be so scared of you that I would remain silent?

Do you regret what you did to me?

I can't imagine that someone could ever hurt another person the way you hurt me. I can't fathom it. I have tried to understand the "WHYS", but I obviously have too much sanity to understand the enjoyment of seeing people suffer.

At some point when you was hurting me did you regret what you did to me, and is that why you let me go and then later after being arrested confess to hurting me?

What I think of you.

I think you are very simple minded although you have an intelligents about you that gives you the ability to seem trustworthy but that's about it. I think each and every person in this world has animalistic desires but the vast majority of us understand right from wrong and we care about how our actions affect others. You on the other hand are a sociopath.

I think you premeditated most of what you did to me, but I think I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. It just happened to be the same time you were on the prowl. I think if it wasn't me it would have been someone else. For that reason I am glad that you chose me instead of one of my friends or GOD forbid, a child. I think you let me go because you were so sure that you had broken me and that I wouldn't turn you in. Once the police had enough evidence to arrest you I think you realized there was too much evidence and that's why you confessed. Sad thing is I imagine you confessed not out of regret or remorse, but as an attempt to manipulate the court system into thinking you're remorseful. I can't imagine that you could expect leniency after what you did to me, but then again I am not as fucked up as you are.

I am beyond the point where I am safe to assume that you will be in prison for many years. I could sit here with a very vindictive yet satisfying look on my face with the thought of you becoming the prison play toy. Who gets passed around and used on a nightly basis by those much more physically powerful than you, but I don't want you to be used that way. I know what it feels like and I wouldn't wish that upon even my worst enemy, and yes, you're my worst enemy. Ideally you will become reformed, but since I don't think a monster could ever be anything but a monster, I simply hope that you will die of old age while still behind bars.

If I could ignore my humanity and all the things that make me the person I am, I would want you to be tortured to death. I am glad I have a conscious, because I don't want to be as weak minded as you. I don't want to be so empty that I fill myself with anger and the suffering of others.

As much as I despise you with every fiber of my being, I still feel sorry for you. Not because you will undoubtedly feel the isolation of prison that separates you from society or that you will be surrounded by other monsters that may view you as prey. I feel sorry for you because you are incapable of understanding love. You are incapable of sharing love. If you can't understand or share love, you will never KNOW love. What an empty life that will be for you. While you face the day to day solitude of your loveless life, I will be surrounded with people who love me and people whom I love. That's what you were powerless to take from me, and still are powerless to take away from me.

A Letter To My Rapist's Mom

The following is a letter I am thinking about giving the mother of the guy who raped me. I am wanting to do this because I can partially imagine what a parent (especially a mom) would be going through in the situation that they have been forced into by their child's actions. I would appreciate feedback on if this is totally insane, outlandish, or insensitive of me to write. As I say in the letter, the last thing I want to do is add to his mom's pain. If I do give this to her it is as much for me as it is for her, but I will not allow my needs here to further hurt her.

I have discussed the legality of this with my lawyer and as long as it doesn't come off as harassment, slanderous, or intentionally hurtful it is okay. I ask each of you if this does come off in that way? If I do give her this letter it will be after he is sentenced on the 20th, and it will be given to her by my lawyer.

Dear Mrs. (her last name),

I have struggled with the idea of writing you this letter. I am so worried that this letter will be received negatively. It most certainly isn't meant to add to the pain you undoubtedly are feeling right now. In many ways I can only imagine what you are going through as a mother. Although there's currently no way I could possibly understand what you are going through, I do realize all of this must be very hard for you. I want you to know that I hold no anger toward you. Sometimes things happen that aren't a reflection of how we were raised. Sometimes a parent can be the most devout of parents and things still become messed up. Sometimes the best of parents become separated from their child due to the child's own wrong choices. I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel that anything that happened to me is your fault, and I pray that you don't feel that it's your fault.

When tragedies, difficulties, and emotional struggle happens in our lives and the lives of those we care about, all we can do is continue to move forward and show support for those we love. We can drive ourselves crazy with questions like why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Why couldn't I have prevented this from happening? The reality is sometimes everything can be done right, and things can still go wrong.

Mrs. (her last name), I am sorry for how much this situation has affected everyone. You and ALL of your family are in my prayers.

-Jaime

My Statement To The Court (Revised) 17 Days Till Sentencing

In just under seventeen days the monster who hurt me will be sentenced for his crimes. As a survivor I am given the right to address the court during his sentencing. The following text will be my statement to the court. To read the original version go here.

Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to speak.

Every two minutes in the United States someone is sexually assaulted. That adds up to 213,000 sexual assaults each year. Almost 94,000 of those sexual assaults involve people younger than age 18. A staggering 128,000 sexual assaults each year are never reported to the police. This translates to a sad fact that 15 out of 16 individuals who commit an act of sexual assault never see a day in jail for their crime. I as a survivor of rape want answers. I want to know why the statistics favor the assailants so much more that the victim.

I never thought I would be a victim of rape. I don't think anyone thinks they'll be a victim of rape. When something as awful as rape happens and we hear about it, we often have this voice in the back of our mind that tells us that it will never happen to me. I had that voice. It's a harsh reality to accept, but I was raped, sodomized, and beaten repeatedly by the defendant.

The defendant held me captive in his van for nearly twenty three hours. During this twenty three hour nightmare I was naked and not allowed to cover up. I was raped vaginally eleven times, raped by means of sodomy three times, raped orally five times, and molested in so many ways I can't even count. During these assaults I was made helpless and unable to defend myself by his use of handcuffs, rope, and shreds of my own clothes that he cut off of me with his pocket knife. This was the same knife that he held against my throat as he joked around about killing me. The same knife he held against other parts of my body promising to mutilate me in order to force me into compliance with his twisted desires.

Several hours into this nightmare I gave up trying to fight. I simply allowed him to be my puppet master. I accepted that I would eventually be murdered. He then used the threats of even more vile forms of torture to sway me into performing sexual acts for him. These threats included tools like hammers, nails, blow torches, knives, and chemicals such as Drano, lighter fluid, and paint thinner. He also threatened to break my bones one at a time if I didn't look him in the eyes while he abused me. All of these threats but one he spared me of.

The defendant eventually let me go. He drove his van in front of my home, opened the side door to his van, and pushed me out onto the pavement. I never will forget the last words he said to me just before he drove away. "Thank you bitch, I had a great time."

I struggled to run into the safety of my home where I could cover myself. My dad drove me to the hospital. I was treated for dehydration, cuts, bruises, and a broken arm. I received a total of thirty seven stitches in the emergency room. Then I spent several humiliating hours being subjected to evidence collection to make sure the defendant's guilt would be proven. Sixteen days later I found out that I needed surgery to fix a perforated bowel. I also found out that I was pregnant and since I have never been with a man, the defendant was the sperm donor. One month later while in school I miscarried and lost this baby whom my dad and I were in the process of finding a suitable family for adoption.

I didn't only receive a broken arm, cuts, bruises, tears, and internal damage that required surgery to repair, but I also have emotional injuries that I will continue to heal from long after my body's injuries have healed. This is something that will affect me for the rest of my life. The defendant took something from me during those twenty three hours where he raped and beat me at his leisure. It's more then my virginity or my body. It's my peace of mind, comfort, and sense of security. It's a first sexual experience that I always hoped would be tender and beautiful. No longer will I have hope that my first sexual experience will be a beautiful sharing between two lovers. I will always have the memory of me being raped and the chance of the emotional pain resurfacing during a future relationship.

I have spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out how to deal with the emotional damage this assault has caused me. In all honesty I have had a difficult time calling what he did to me rape. I have said he hurt me, assaulted me, and other terms to describe what he did to me. The reason why is because rape is such a horrible thing. In many ways I guess I was afraid of the word rape nearly as much as I was afraid to be in his van. I want the court to know that I'm not afraid, but mostly I want the defendant to know that I am not afraid of the word rape anymore; nor am I afraid of him.

I come here urging this court to pass fair sentence on the defendant. I honestly do not know what would be a fair punishment. I could never be impartial because I am far too vested in his punishment. As a result I will not hint as to what I feel is a fair sentence. I will simply put my faith is the wisdom of this court and expect this court to deliver due justice so that a message is sent to anyone who would choose to do harm to another person in this manner that justice will be served and crimes of the nature will not go unpunished. The cycle of sexual assaults and relaxed judgments against the assailants have to stop. Let this be the beginning of shifting the statistics that favor the assailant to statistics that favor the survivors. Without this shift in societal paradigm we can never hope to end sexual violence.

Thank you again for this opportunity to let my voice be heard.