This is an assignment that my therapist asked me to complete before our therapy session on Monday. She gave me these questions and this is how I answered them.
Question - How would you classify what happened to you?
Answer - I would classify what he did to me as sadistic. It was a sexual, physical, emotional, and verbal form of abuse. It was rape, torture, humiliation, selfish, and evil.
Question - What if any effects does your classification of what he did to you, have on you?
Answer - It's a very surreal feeling and it affects my sense of worth and peace of mind. It also makes me feel used. I feel like I have lost purpose and the very thing that makes me who I am has been stripped away and I am left with all the things he said I was. Like a piece of meat or that I was put on this earth to be a tool and a slut or that I am a stupid whore.
Question - What kind of things did he do to you?
Answer - He beat me, raped me, beat me some more, raped me again. He molested me, put things inside me and purposefully hurt me. He spit on me, urinated on me, and ejaculated on me and in me. He tied me up so that I couldn't even fight back. He kicked me, choked me, burned me, and kissed me. He basically tortured me while he sexually abused me. He talked down to me and humiliated me like I wasn't an individual and treated me like I was property that didn't matter because I was disposable.
Question - How did those things make you feel then and how does it make you feel now?
Answer - Then it made me feel alone, scared, abandoned by GOD and everyone I loved. Now it makes me feel like everything I have ever been told and made to believe about myself that is good was a lie. It makes me question and doubt the honesty of everyone around me. I now assume that if someone gives me a compliment I am being lied to because they feel sorry for me. Someone can tell me, "You're pretty", but what I hear is, "you have scars on your face and you are painful to look at but I will lie and try to make you feel better". Someone can tell me, "You're smart and articulate", but what I hear is, "you're so stupid for allowing yourself to be tricked an manipulated into getting into his van, but I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her how stupid she is so i will lie". Someone can tell me, "You deserve love and happiness", but I hear, "You are already so broken I would hate to have you commit suicide and then have that on my conscious so I will lie to you and try to give you hope where there is none".
Question - What was the worse thing he did to you?
Answer - I can't talk about that for legal reasons but I do need to talk about it. There's more going on then I can talk about. Sorry that I can't answer that.
Question - How did that make you feel and how do you feel about that now?
Answer - It made me feel like I don't deserve happiness and that no one especially a guy could ever be interested in me. It makes me not feel like a girl and I feel like theirs nothing about me that could ever be desirable.
Question - What was the most painful thing he did to you?
Answer - Again this is a question that I can't currently answer because of legal reasons. I wish I could, sorry.
Question - How did that make you feel and how do you feel about that now?
Answer - It made me feel pain, intense blinding pain. I now feel like I am broken and incomplete. I feel like I am not me anymore.
Question - If there was one thing you could change about what he did to you, what would it be and why?
Answer - It is hard to narrow it down to one thing but if I had to pick one thing it would be that he didn't manipulate me. If he never manipulated me, none of this would have happened and I wouldn't have been fooled into trusting him.
Question - If you could ask your assailant only one question and he had to answer that question truthfully what would your question be?
Answer - There are so many questions I want the answer to, but unfortunately I don't think any answers will help me deal with this. That leaves me with a question that might help others. I would ask him. "Where is the evidence that answers the questions of what happened to other girls other than me? I would ask that because I can only assume that I wasn't his first. His manipulation seems too refined and polished.
Jaime, the idea that you have yet to share the worst thing he did to you is so unsettling, and I am so sorry that you came across such a demented individual. There are really no words. He is so sick.
ReplyDeleteI know how excruciatingly painful the emotional aspect of having someone violate you can be, but I cannot relate to having been tortured. I can only imagine how much pain you are going through, and I feel so much anger towards this monster for hurting you in every way possible.
Thank you for sharing this exercise. I might give it a try before my next therapy appointment.
xxxxx
I don't know what to say, so I will just thank you for your support.
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