10 Phone Calls

Very early Saturday afternoon I started making phone calls to let the 10 adoptive families know how sorry I was for me losing the baby that could potentially have become their baby. It was without a doubt the most difficult news I have ever had to tell someone. Everyone was very supportive to me and none of them gave the impression that they thought I was to blame. Still, there were moments of silence where I knew they felt a huge disappointment and I can't help but feel bad about it. I wasn't able to get in touch with all 10 of them because 2 of them didn't answer the phone and I wasn't going to leave a message on voice mail. Of course they already know about the miscarriage; dad called the adoption agency not long after we got home from the hospital Wednesday and the agency notified them being that they were the final ten.

The majority of the conversations were very clinical in nature where we expressed a sympathy toward one another but didn't invite further conversation. There was one conversation that became very personal and lasted nearly 30 minutes. This woman was very kind and she asked me how I was handling losing the baby. I explained in some detail to her what I was thinking in regards to the miscarriage. Then she asked a question that I wasn't expecting, "What does the babies father think about all of this"? I inadvertently blurted out, "I don't know if he knows and I really don't care".

As you can imagine, this sparked an entirely new conversation. There I was talking to this woman who was wanted to adopt my baby and telling her personal information about how this all came to be. She spent much of the time trying to console me while my brain kept spewing out details I'm sure she had zero desire to know about.

After I got off the phone with that woman, I couldn't help but feel bad for dumping my emotions on her. It was unfair for me to do so. I should have simply told her that the baby's father wasn't a part of my life, but instead I told her stuff that will likely add to her pain. I sort of feel selfish for using her as an emotional release.

I guess I will try and call the other two today.

I'm just trying to hold myself together and not fall apart.

Test Results From The Hospital

Two nights ago I noticed that I was bleeding when I use the restroom. In an effort not to be gross I will simply say that I was bleeding from the back. I have also been feeling really crappy over the last several days. Needless to say I was a little concerned and so was my dad. We went to the hospital and they ran tests. I say tests because they ran more than one type. It will make sense in a second. Both tests have come back.

The reason why I am bleeding is because I have a perforated bowel. The reason why I have that is because of the A@@hole who hurt (raped) me. For anyone who doesn't know what a perforated bowel is... It's basically a tear in the lining of the bowel. Often this tear allows stuff to leak into the gut area where it can cause a massive infection. I am on my way to a massive infection. As a result I am scheduled for surgery to fix the problem Wednesday morning the 21st (tomorrow). I am told they will make two really small incisions in my abdomen and pump air into my gut so that it inflates like a balloon so they have room to work. I am told it's a really minor surgery and if everything goes well I will be home tomorrow night. It's my first time under the knife and I am a little nervous.

There was another thing they tested me for yesterday. They had this test back right away. In fact I knew the results of this test for twenty hours now. It turns out that I am pregnant, and the A@@hole is the sperm contributor. So now I am facing a dilemma. The obvious first question is should I have the baby or not. I'm sixteen, and as much as I like to think I am an adult I am still a kid. I'm not ready to be a parent. My dad along with some others in my life think I should have an abortion. My personal beliefs on abortion are different than my dad's, and I am reasonably sure it is different than many who read this. My personal beliefs simply will not allow me to have an abortion.

Now this leaves me with two options. Keep this baby and raise it the best I can and risk having some sort of resentment toward him or her because of half their genes, or I can seek out a stable family who would gladly and lovingly raise this baby the way a child deserves to be raised. My first instinct is to find the right family. I am worried about becoming attached while the baby is still in me and being unable to let go of him/her.

Although my dad and I are in full shock mode right now, we are also trying to learn what all of our options are and what the legal matters are. I would appreciate any advice people have to give me.

My surgery is scheduled for 7:00am tomorrow. I can't eat for 24 hrs before the surgery. Which means I probably should have eaten more yesterday but I wasn't thinking about food or that I wouldn't be allowed to eat today. I am going to be hungry. I am already hungry.

"God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference..."

--Reinhold Niebuhr