Uncontrolled Irrational Fear

I have never felt so fearful and so out of control before in what would normally be safe. I don't know how to deal with this fear. Ever since he hurt me I have been afraid to go anywhere. I have missed so much school that I know my grades are going to be affected. Luckily for me my teachers, principal, and especially my dad are very understanding.

All my friends and several others know what happened to me. That's a good thing because it prevents many of the questions I know people have. The most obvious question is about my appearance. One thing in particular that I haven't really talked about all that much is my hair. Yes you heard that right, my hair. Among the many acts of violence, insults, and disgusting things he did to me, there is one that I have trouble hiding. Not because it was violent and left bruises, but because I look so much different now. One of the last things he did to me is bazaar. I don't know why he did it, as far as I know he hasn't told the investigators why he did it. I have my own personal theories of why he did it but I'm not going to get into that. 

Right before he was finished with me. Right before he dropped me off at the end of my driveway, he used his pocket knife to cut my hair off. I don't mean he shaved it off. It was more like he cut it off in chunks. Some of it was untouched (very little), and some of it was cut within a few inches of my scalp. It looked like someone gave Dennis The Menace some really dull scissors and told him to give me a haircut. It took me three years to grow my hair out as long as I had it, and it took this guy a couple minutes to ruin it. Before we go any further, I don't want people to think I am crying over my hair. I know may hair will grow back. 

One of the reasons why I have missed so much school lately is because I don't feel like me anymore. I don’t feel normal in my own skin anymore. I literally feel like I am wearing an ugly costume that I can't take off. I feel like when I go out into public people will see the costume and they won't see me. I try my best to hide my injuries. I wear long sleeve shirts that have baggy enough sleeves so that I can cover up the cast on my arm. I wear hats to disguise my hair. My really close friends and family know that he cut my hair, and they understand why I am wearing a hat all the time. It's really not that unusual for me to wear hats, I have dozens of them.

This morning at school while waiting for the bell to ring to let us know it was time to go to homeroom, there was a student that was arguing with a teacher. This girl was wearing a hat and a teacher told her that hats are against the dress code and that she needed to take it off. They argued back and forth and the girl kept looking at me. Why was she looking at me? I wasn't involved in this argument; I was minding my own business. She told that teacher that she wasn't going to take her hat off because others in the school are wearing hats and it's not fair to make her take off her hat but not anyone else. To make a long story short she told that teacher that I was wearing a hat and that she wasn't going to take hers off if I was still wearing mine. This girl is unfamiliar with what happened to me so I don't blame her for bringing me into her argument. The teacher told her again to take her hat off, and she finally did. Then the teacher walked over to me and told me to take my hat off. Apparently he didn't get the memo. The principal out of kindness and understanding had given me permission to wear a hat for a few months until my hair had grown out a little and could be evenly cut. I politely told him that I don't have to. We went back and forth about it, and the entire time he was towering over me. Finally my math teacher who is familiar with what happened saw or heard what was going on. She walked up to the other teacher and whispered in his ear. I don't know what she told him, but he nodded his head and walked away. My math teacher smiled at me and then also walked away.

The other student who had to take her hat off began to run her mouth. She was complaining that I wasn't made to take my hat off. She kept on and on and wouldn't let it go. Finally one of my girlfriends told her to mind her own business. The whole time this girl was yelling and asking, "Why does she (meaning me) think she's so special"? It all turned into some really stupid BS.

The bell finally rang and I quickly began to weave through the crowd and head toward my homeroom class. I was glad that it was over with. Suddenly I felt my hat being pulled off from behind. There I was in the middle of the hallway surrounded by all these people who were staring at my messed up hair and most of them were laughing. I heard things like, "What the F#&K happened to your hair? Why would you cut your hair like that? Did you lose a fight with a lawnmower? I think she done got the mange".

I understand how meaningless insults are in the long term, but I'm just not at a place right now to deal with stuff like that. I was crying and shaking while trying my best to cover my head with my hands. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran for the nearest exit and ran outside. My best friend walked out behind me and sat down next to me. Our conversation was rather personal so I will simply say she tried to console me through empathy. She ended up missing homeroom because she stayed to talk with me. (Thank you my friend) 

I continued to sit out there even after my friend had to go on to glass. Ever once in a while another student would walk in or out of the building and pretend they didn't see me out there crying with my messed up hair exposed. I guess I was out there for most of first period before my school counselor realized I was outside. He walked out there and he apparently heard what happened. I didn't ask how he knew, but I think it's safe to say that my friend out of concern for me told the counselor. He handed me my hat (I don't know where he found it) and told me that I couldn't stay out there all day. He told me to put my hat on and don't worry about wearing it in school because he will take care of the problem. I gladly put my hat back on and then reluctantly went back into the school building. I went to the restroom before returning to class because I wasn't ready to walk into class and have sixty eyes stare at me. Besides there was only a few minutes left of first period.

At the beginning of last period the principal began to make an announcement over the intercom. Everyone was given permission to wear hats until spring gets here. They played it all off as if giving permission to wear hats was a winter and staying warm thing, but I knew it was for me and to prevent another misunderstanding. It was a bad day to say the least.

I don't consider myself to be shallow or vain. I don't think this fear was about my hair in the sense of someone thinking I am unattractive. I don't think these fears are about my hair. I think it's about how vulnerable I feel now. I have always been a highly confident person but now all of that confidence seems to have vanished. I DON'T FEEL LIKE ME, and I want to feel like me again. I want to get out of bed in the morning without first reaching for a hat to put on. I want to walk outside without every shadow, sound, movement, and voice sending me into an uncontrolled irrational fear. I just want to be me again, is that too much to expect?