Body Memories

Recently I have been introduced to a term called Body Memory. Basically it's a hypothesis that the body it's self can store a memory of sorts. It's theorized in times of high stress, mental stimuli overload, or incapacitation where the mind (brain) is unable to keep up with events and properly process them for storage that a body memory occurs. For example a traumatic event such as a sexual assault may cause the brain to overload and go into protect mode, essentially either not storing the memory's details, or burying a memory into the depths of the subconscious mind. It's in these times that the body is believed by some to store its own memory. (I hope I explained that right).

Most (I think) of the events from the Twenty Three hours I was kept in his van I have a memory of. Still I seem to remember a new detail everyday. Often I have a sensation that brings a memory to the surface. Sometimes it's a hug, most of the time it's when I am trying to sleep, and last night it was when I was in the shower.

I have been very uncomfortable when hugging people ever since all of this happened to me. Which is unfortunate because I have always been a hugging person, so is all of my family, and most of my friends. As the people in my life become aware of what happened to me, their natural instinct is to try and comfort me. That's natural, but when someone hugs me I don't as much feel them hugging me as I feel that guy in the van holding, restraining, and controlling me. My dad has hugged me a few times since it all happened and I have these memories return to me and I suddenly feel trapped and as if I am in danger. Even when my little sister hugs me I often get the same apprehension. As a result I have been very aware of my personal space.

Most nights when I try to sleep the same thing happens, but I don't think it's as much about body sensation as it is body position that triggers these memories. I have been spending a lot of nights sitting in a chair trying to sleep upright. Even pulling the blanket up to my neck triggers some bad memories. Most of the time these memories are memories that I have had before and am clearly aware of. Sometimes the memories are of a detail or a 5, 10, or 20 minute event that I had forgotten or blocked.

Last night right before I went to bed to go to sleep I took a shower. I was washing myself and it triggered a memory of his hands. I keep trying to get that sensation out of my head, but it won't leave. It makes me worry about the next time I shower. What will I remember then? Will it be worse? Will I be able to cope? I honestly don't know and I am a little scared, well a lot scared of how I will react.

People tell me that this is all part of the difficult healing journey I have ahead of me. My therapist has told me and many of the articles I have read tell me that these memories are a necessary means to an end. It's all part of the brain trying to assimilate a horrible event into a manageable memory.

On a side note:

I am beginning to form a theory of my own in regards to body memory. Personally I haven't seen anything or heard of any part of the human body that can store a memory other than the brain. It's because of that I believe there's really no such thing as a body memory in technical terms. I think when something so traumatic is happening to us our brain tries to protect us by skipping the processing of what's happening and goes straight to the storage. As a result the memories of these traumatic events are raw in nature and unorganized. My understanding of the way memory works in the brain is that a memory is organized by input senses. Meaning your memory of a person, place, thing, or event might be categorized by smell, sound, color, sensation, and taste. Further each subsequent event that stems off from the original memory is further organized in much the same way. Sort of like a hierarchy of folders in a computer.

With that in mind it seems practical to me that a body memory is less about an actual memory stored within the body as opposed to the brain, then it is a physical sensory of one of the five human senses that bring to the surface an unprocessed raw memory to finally be processed.

Maybe I am way off in my theory, or it is common knowledge to others. Either way I'm just trying to understand what I am going through.