Sunday September 10th, 2011 (just now posting here)
Before a few weeks ago I never heard of a support forum. I thought a survivor was only a word used to describe someone who lived through an accident or that stupid reality TV show. I am so scared right now. I don't want to keep telling my story to strangers. I am so scared they will believe his lies and think I asked for it then changed my mind or that somehow I deserved what he did to me.
It feels like I can't breathe. I can feel him on me and it...
I think I need someone to talk to who has been through this before. I'm not sure if I can bring myself to talk about it but I know I have to. How can I talk about it if I can't talk about it?
My dad called the police. The hospital ran tests on me and he was arrested. I feel like everyone at school Monday will be able to see how messed up I am. I have to go back I have already missed 9 days. Dad is making me go to school Monday. I am afraid he will be there.
I just don't know what to do. It feels like everything has fell apart. I sound so stupid, I sound like a stupid kid. I am 16, I'm not a kid. What's wrong with me???
Nothing is wrong with you. You were hurt. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Awfully normal.
ReplyDeleteI know. It's just hard.
ReplyDeleteEve, thank you for your comments. It's nice to know that a stranger cares enough to comment and try and make me feel better.
Twiggs said...
ReplyDeleteThanks for inviting me to your page. It gets easier. I was abused when i was a child. ive had a long time to develop bad habits. youve got such a great head start
September 29, 2011 1:40 PM
I know. It's just hard.
ReplyDeleteEve, thank you for your comments. It's nice to know that a stranger cares enough to comment and try and make me feel better.
September 21, 2011 12:30 AM
Thank you for your comment. I know it gets easier, well I have been told it gets easier.
ReplyDeleteMy dad practically forced me to get an early start toward healing. I know I have a long road ahead of me.
September 29, 2011 1:46 PM
nothings wrong with you and I am glad your dad called the police. I am sorry that he did that to you.
ReplyDeleteJaime, it's so strange reading this now. I read this very post so long ago (when it was part of your first blog). Even before we had ever corresponded. I can't believe that was over 4 months ago.
ReplyDeleteJaime, my heart breaks a little reading this. I would never claim to know what you are going through because our experiences were very different. But I wanted you to know that this post provides a snapshot of my mind right now. Ever since I spoke to my professor about what happened, I once again feel exposed and vulnerable - like I have something stamped on my forehead that says "dirty secret" or something. Also, whenever I have these periods of vulnerability, I feel like a little kid. Needy, whiny - not someone who turns 29 next month.
I guess I'm telling you these things to let you know that you are not alone in having these feelings. You are not messed up. I know you're probably sick of hearing this, but it's a normal reaction to a very VERY VERY abnormal situation. Your perpetrator is beyond messed up - I honestly cannot think of a worse person in the world right now than him. He is terribly messed up - NOT YOU. Jaime, NOT YOU!!!
Yes, things have fallen apart - he completely shattered your sense of security - but you are rebuilding your life. It might not feel like it at the moment, but all of this painful therapy that you are doing is helping you. Please stick with it and have faith that it will start to get better. Remember to not lose sight of that dim light - it WILL get brighter.
You are a wonderful, caring person, Jaime. Hurting, yes, but not messed up. Sending you tons and tons of hugs right now. I'm rooting for you. Please try to be gentle with yourself. (((((Jaime)))))
Jaime, it's so strange reading this now. I read this very post so long ago (when it was part of your first blog). Even before we had ever corresponded. I can't believe that was over 4 months ago.
ReplyDeleteJaime, my heart breaks a little reading this. I would never claim to know what you are going through because our experiences were very different. But I wanted you to know that this post provides a snapshot of my mind right now. Ever since I spoke to my professor about what happened, I once again feel exposed and vulnerable - like I have something stamped on my forehead that says "dirty secret" or something. Also, whenever I have these periods of vulnerability, I feel like a little kid. Needy, whiny - not someone who turns 29 next month.
I guess I'm telling you these things to let you know that you are not alone in having these feelings. You are not messed up. I know you're probably sick of hearing this, but it's a normal reaction to a very VERY VERY abnormal situation. Your perpetrator is beyond messed up - I honestly cannot think of a worse person in the world right now than him. He is terribly messed up - NOT YOU. Jaime, NOT YOU!!!
Yes, things have fallen apart - he completely shattered your sense of security - but you are rebuilding your life. It might not feel like it at the moment, but all of this painful therapy that you are doing is helping you. Please stick with it and have faith that it will start to get better. Remember to not lose sight of that dim light - it WILL get brighter.
You are a wonderful, caring person, Jaime. Hurting, yes, but not messed up. Sending you tons and tons of hugs right now. I'm rooting for you. Please try to be gentle with yourself. (((((Jaime)))))