The Beginning Of My Story Of What Happened

I have struggled with the idea of if I should post the story of the 23 hours that this guy kept me prisoner in his van, on my blog. I have posted this short description of the beginning on a support forum but there's a difference. None of my friends, family, or anyone I know in real life are a member of any support forums, and I pray that they will never have a need for one. However, my therapist, family, and friends know about this blog. I guess in some ways it might be easier to post here in text for everyone in real life to read then it will be to explain in words to them one at a time.

September 14, 2011 (Just Now Shared Here)

My friends and I had just got out of school and being that it was Friday we are aloud to stay out a little later then usual. My best friend who's name I won't disclose already has her license and we decided that we were going to go to the mall and hangout for a while. We did the typical things like shop and try on cloths that neither of us could afford to buy. While we were wondering from store to store we ran into a guy from school. I will simply refer to him in generic terms like him, guy, or he. We knew him but neither of us would really consider him a friend, just an acquaintance. Still we was having fun. It was kind of different, kind of new to be hanging around a guy even if he was into the whole grunge look that I don't understand.

My friends and I hung around with each other and that guy for several hours. My friends kept giving me the look. They kept telling me that he liked me. Sure he's a little weird, but aren't all guys. Besides even though I wasn't interested in him at all at first it still feels nice to have a guy pay attention, especially when he's 18 and a senior in high school. I would be lying if I said I didn't have at least a few passing thoughts of being the 10th grade girl with a boyfriend who's a senior. I even had a passing thought of what if we did start dating and it was next year and I would be the high school girl dating a college guy. Sure, I know how silly it is to have even passing thoughts about a guy like that when I don't even really know them.

As it got later and later into the evening we all became a little hungry. We went to Taco Bell to get something to eat. That guy was standing right beside me and asked me what I wanted. I thought he was just curious, but as we walked up to the counter he ordered for the both of us and he referred to me as a lady. " I will have.... and the lady will have....", he said. Again I would be lying if I said it didn't make me feel a little special. We all sat down to eat and he refilled my drink and grabbed napkins for me along with hot sauce. He even took the paper wrapper off of my straw for me. I started to like this guy, he was a little weird in the way he dressed but he seemed like such a gentleman.

When we all left Taco Bell him and I was walking behind the rest of my friends. We was bumping gently against each other. It was that gentle physical contact that always seemed to be a flirtatious prelude to holding hands. There's a decorative water fountain in this mall that people throw loose change in. We all stood next to it talking and while I was staring at the fountain I felt a chill because the cool air from the air conditioner vent was right over top of me. That guy was standing behind me and his hands rubbed me on my arms and made the chill go away. For just a second I closed my eyes because it felt so comforting. Here's this older guy who I don't even really know all that well. He is paying attention to me and being seemingly very attentive to my needs. I mean come on he bought me food, he didn't offer to buy for anyone else. He warmed my arms with his hands. We were flirting, it all seemed so innocent and safe and a part of me felt special. Suddenly this weird grunge guy didn't seem so weird.

My friends decided it was time for them to leave to go home. I gave her the look that was meant to ask her to stay a little longer being that she was my ride home. She knew instantly what I meant and she asked the guy if he had a car. She knew he had a car, I knew he had a car. She figured it would give him the opportunity to offer to give me a ride home. He offered, and I accepted.

My dad has always told me to be careful of who I hang around with and especially who's car I get into. I guess I always assumed it would never happen to me. I certainly wouldn't have thought this guy who has spent the last few hours being nice to me would hurt me. It's a strange feeling to look back at this now and see it from the perspective of knowing what led to this happening. Emotionally I look at all the things I could have did differently and my emotional instinct tells me that I messed up for trusting someone I didn't know and getting into their car. My logical instinct tells me that I had no warning signs and that if there were any warning signs I wouldn't have gotten into a vehicle with a guy I barely know. That's the emotional tug of war that I'm struggling with right now. A part of me wants to blame myself for not listening and trusting in the wisdom my dad has always tried to instill in me. The other part is looking for someone to blame and it's like I have this inescapable gravitational field that guilt and blame is using to orbit my existence. Sometimes it feels that my emotional reasoning is slowing down the orbiting speed of this blame and guilt and the gravity is pulling it ever closer.

My friends left and went home leaving me there with this guy. In many ways I was happy to be alone with him. I know it sounds juvenile but I sort of felt like an adult on an adult date. It's silly because we wasn't on a date, we was just hanging out, having fun, and getting to know each other. We walked around the inside of the mall and a few times he made me laugh. Although he wasn't particularly funny I allowed myself to laugh a little more then I normally would have. Maybe I thought if I made him feel cool, he would continue to make me feel special.

I began to think about kissing this guy. I don't mean I thought about initiating it, but simply wanted to be prepared if it happened. As we were walking past the restrooms I excused myself so that I could go in there and get the Taco Bell taste out of my mouth. I always keep those single use toothbrushes in my purse just in case, and this seemed like as good of a time as any. When I walked back out he had his hand behind his back and as I walked up to him he presented me with a single red rose that he had bought from a crafts store while I was in the bathroom. Sure it wasn't a real rose, but it still made me smile and I hugged him. His actions were so sweet and disarming. His actions suppressed my defenses that had always been there to guard my personal space.

As we was walking out to his car I built up the courage to reach for his hand and place mine in his. He gently squeezed my hand in return. When we got to his car which wasn't a car, it was a old van he opened the passenger door for me. He held my hand as I climbed in. I'm so short, only five foot tall and although I have always prided myself in not needing a guy, it still felt nice to be helped. It all felt nice.

Just behind the two front seats was a curtain that was pulled shut. I began to pull the curtain open a little because I was curious, but he was already opening the drivers door and I didn't want to seem nosey. We talked for a few minutes before we drove out of the mall parking lot. He told me that we was going strait to my house which was a good idea because I had to be home at 11pm and it was already almost 10:30. We were a few miles from my house and he said that something was wrong with his van and he needed to pull over and check on things. He turned in to a deserted parking lot and parked. He asked me if I had a cell phone because he might have to call his dad. I blindly handed him my phone. He got out and opened the hood and was looking inside. I reach for the door handle to open it so that I could see if I could help in any way. There wasn't a door handle or a window crank, only an arm rest. This was the first time that I felt any sort of sense of apprehension come over me. Still I didn't think too much of it because after all it was an old van and old cars need to be fixed, right? After a few minutes he climbed back into the van and I didn't see my cell phone in his hand. I asked him if the car was okay and if I could have my phone back. Suddenly everything changed. His voice changed. His mannerism changed and the look in his eyes changed. All the red lights in my head suddenly went off. I didn't feel as safe as I felt before, I didn't feel as comfortable as I did just a few minutes ago. I wanted my phone so that I could call my dad and have him come get me. It was so sudden. I didn't see it coming. I have this one image of him quickly moving toward me, and then the blinding sensation of his fist hitting me just below my left eye. I was so dazed and so confused. I was having trouble understanding and processing what was going on. The first few seconds is still a blur. I felt semiconscious as he wrapped his arm around my neck and dragged me through the curtain and through a doorway cut into a wall of plywood. When he shut the makeshift door and pad locked it trapping me inside with him I screamed. I begged him not to hurt me, I begged him to let me go. When I climbed into his van twenty minutes earlier I had no idea that I would spend the next twenty three hours in that van wondering if I was going to live to see my dad and little sister again.

This is all I can write right now.

(3 days ago)

I have been struggling with how to tell my dad what happened. I mean he knows what happened, but not in any sort of detail. I let him read this about thirty minutes ago then we talked about it. Well he mostly talked while I cried. Most of the words that came out of his mouth were distorted by the tears that were running down his face. He was trying so hard to comfort me, and to be the strong father I needed him to be. I think we were both emotionally overloading and I had to hug him and step away into my room and give each of us some alone time to deal with this.