Trying To Gain The Courage To Let My Voice Be Heard In Court

I posted this earlier and then a few hours later took it down because I was worried about people copying this image or triggering people with this image. Mostly I think I was scared. I'm okay now. I have figured out how to disable right click so that people can't save this image. Plus I added an extra caution mouseover function to initially hide the image in an effort to prevent people from accidentally viewing it. Some people might think this post is weird and especially being the image, but this blog and this post is for me. This post is to help make me less frightened to share this personal stuff so that I will hopefully have the resolve to speak out in court. I hope people don't object to this.

The prosecutor of my rape case has made all the evidence they have against him, all of my statements, and injury photos available to me so that I can look over it just incase I remember some events that I had previously left out. I was also told that looking over this stuff may help me know what to say if I choose to make a statement to the court before his sentencing. His sentencing is still a long ways off, but if I want to have the courage to speak in court I need to start thinking about this stuff now.

I have spent several weird and painful hours looking through this stuff trying to figure out what I am going to say to the court. It surprises me how much detail I remember now that I either couldn't recall immediately after all of this happened or simply couldn't bring myself to talk about. I have decided to start working on two separate statements. One statement for if he pleads guilty, and the other for if he retracts his confession, pleading innocent and then is found guilty. It is my understanding according to our family lawyer that I will have the opportunity to give my statement to the court in written form or verbal. I am going to try my best to give it verbally because I think it will help me heal by overcoming my obvious fear to face this guy again. Either way I plan on reading a statement that I have pre-written. As of right now there's every indication that this guy is going to plead guilty so I am first concentrating on the statement if he pleads guilty.

The following is what I am thinking of saying to the court.

.....When asked if I wanted to make a statement to the court I honestly didn't know what to say. I debated with myself rather or not I would be able to speak in front of a room of strangers and if I would be able to let my voice be heard in front of the person who hurt me. Part of me wanted to shut-down and simply be a silent listener who was sitting idle in the back of the courtroom partially hiding behind my dad so that I would feel safe. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I would spend a lifetime being disappointed in myself if I didn't speak up.

I never thought I would be a victim of rape. I don't think anyone thinks they'll be a victim of rape. When something as awful as rape happens and we hear about it, we often have this voice in the back of our mind that tells us that it will never happen to me. I had that voice. It's a harsh reality to accept, but I was raped, sodomized, and beaten repeatedly by (assailants name).

Not only did I receive a broken arm, cuts, bruises, tears, and internal damage that required surgery to repair, but I was also impregnated. On top of all the physical injuries, I also have emotional injuries that I will continue to heal from long after my body's injuries have healed. This is something that will affect me for the rest of my life. (Assailants name) took something from me during those twenty three hours he kept me captive in his van where he could rape and beat me at his leisure. It's more than my virginity or my body. It's my peace of mind, comfort, and sense of security. It's a first sexual experience that I always hoped would be tender and beautiful. No longer will I only view sex as a beautiful sharing between two lovers. I will always have the memory of me being raped and the chance of the emotional pain resurfacing during a future relationship.

I have spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out how to deal with the emotional damage his assault has caused me. In all honesty I have had a difficult time calling what he did to me rape. I have said he hurt me, assaulted me, and other terms to describe what he did to me. The reason why is because rape is such a horrible thing. In many ways I guess I was afraid of the word rape nearly as much as I was afraid to be in his van. I want the court to know, but mostly I want (assailants name) to know that I am not afraid of the word rape anymore, nor am I afraid of him.

I come before you urging this court to pass fair sentence on the defendant. I honestly do not know what would be a fair punishment. I could never be impartial because I am far too vested in his punishment. As a result I will not hint as to what I feel is a fair sentence. I will simply put my faith is the wisdom of this court and expect this court to deliver due justice so that a message is sent to anyone who would choose to do harm to another person in this manner, that justice will be served and crimes of the nature will not go unpunished.

Thank you for this opportunity to let my voice be heard.

As of now this is the statement I have prepared for the court. I pray I will have the courage to read the day he is sentenced. I will prepare a different statement if he pleads innocent and is found guilty.