Two nights ago I noticed that I was bleeding when I use the restroom. In an effort not to be gross I will simply say that I was bleeding from the back. I have also been feeling really crappy over the last several days. Needless to say I was a little concerned and so was my dad. We went to the hospital and they ran tests. I say tests because they ran more than one type. It will make sense in a second. Both tests have come back.
The reason why I am bleeding is because I have a perforated bowel. The reason why I have that is because of the A@@hole who hurt (raped) me. For anyone who doesn't know what a perforated bowel is... It's basically a tear in the lining of the bowel. Often this tear allows stuff to leak into the gut area where it can cause a massive infection. I am on my way to a massive infection. As a result I am scheduled for surgery to fix the problem Wednesday morning the 21st (tomorrow). I am told they will make two really small incisions in my abdomen and pump air into my gut so that it inflates like a balloon so they have room to work. I am told it's a really minor surgery and if everything goes well I will be home tomorrow night. It's my first time under the knife and I am a little nervous.
There was another thing they tested me for yesterday. They had this test back right away. In fact I knew the results of this test for twenty hours now. It turns out that I am pregnant, and the A@@hole is the sperm contributor. So now I am facing a dilemma. The obvious first question is should I have the baby or not. I'm sixteen, and as much as I like to think I am an adult I am still a kid. I'm not ready to be a parent. My dad along with some others in my life think I should have an abortion. My personal beliefs on abortion are different than my dad's, and I am reasonably sure it is different than many who read this. My personal beliefs simply will not allow me to have an abortion.
Now this leaves me with two options. Keep this baby and raise it the best I can and risk having some sort of resentment toward him or her because of half their genes, or I can seek out a stable family who would gladly and lovingly raise this baby the way a child deserves to be raised. My first instinct is to find the right family. I am worried about becoming attached while the baby is still in me and being unable to let go of him/her.
Although my dad and I are in full shock mode right now, we are also trying to learn what all of our options are and what the legal matters are. I would appreciate any advice people have to give me.
My surgery is scheduled for 7:00am tomorrow. I can't eat for 24 hrs before the surgery. Which means I probably should have eaten more yesterday but I wasn't thinking about food or that I wouldn't be allowed to eat today. I am going to be hungry. I am already hungry.
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference..."
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Oh my goodness! I have been reading your post out of order so I just saw this one. I feel sad and I don't know what to say....other than, I think you are making a very brave decision and I believe that the Lord will honor whatever you decide to do. If my talking about God bothers you at all, please let me know, you mentioned that you went to church, so I guess I just assumed that you maybe believed as I do. I am not offended by you not wanting me to talk about it though if you don't want me to. I have a friend who had a baby recently with a much older man, she struggles about if she should keep her or not and I cannot even imagine how hard this is. But, I will be praying for you. You are very precious. You are loved. You are important. And I believe that God will help you through this. I am sorry this is so hard and awful. I am crying for you as I type this. It is so unfair. I am sorry.
ReplyDeleteHi Eve.
ReplyDeleteYeah it happens and it is easy to do (read out of order). Please don't start feeling sad. I thank you for validating my decision. Whatever I decide I know I will give this baby a chance to live because my personal belief tells me that the baby has that unalienable right granted by GOD and the U.S. Constitution. Few people I know and consider to be priceless friends feel the same way I do. Most everyone respect my decision but they don't agree or understand it.
It doesn't bother me if you talk about GOD. Even if I didn't attend church services it still wouldn't bother me. My mom was the religious one in the family, we sort of go partly out of faith, respect for my mom who's no longer with us, and habit. I have my own personal questions about religion which have led to some religious reservations. Still I consider myself to be a person morally guided by a faith in the Bible and GOD (if that makes sense).
I'm glad you can't imagine how hard it is. I wish no one could. Thank you, and he has helped me through faith that leads to a personal conviction. Huge decisions are much easier to make when driven by conviction as opposed to fear ans emotion (I sound like mom).
Don't cry, I'll end up crying.
My dad has told me many times since this happened, before it happened, and my mom has told me the same thing, "Sometimes life suck, but life's pain has no ability to stop time or rewind it". It's weird how the wisdom of my parents seemingly lame phrases make so much since now.
Wow! I completely love your response:)---I don't know how much of my blog you have read or where you found it, but I will tell you that I know what you mean about reservations with religion. Adam and I were pastors...we like to call ourselves "retired pastors," because we have left the "institution of the church"....we love Jesus and we are thankful that God is our light, but the ideas behind organized religion are varied in our minds and we feel that we cannot understand a lot of what is preached and do not agree with the politics behind it. Therefore, we call ourselves rogue Christians, we live on the fringe, and dare to love others the way Jesus does:)
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as the crying goes, trust me, there will be tears, I am an intercessor:)
Much love and respect to you today from me:)
Thanks for your, "Wow!" comment.
ReplyDeleteI'v never heard the word "intercessor" before so I had to look it up.
Thanks again.
Ouchhhh.
ReplyDeleteI would have been more than 3 months along in the pregnancy and would be showing. I'm not showing, maybe I'm just fat.
I was going to keep the baby so I could adopt the baby to a good family. I ended up having a miscarriage.