I am going to try and tell a little more about what happened to me. I'm not sure how far I will get, but my therapist keeps telling me that I should.
After he finished smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer he began to do things to himself while staring at me. In all honesty it took me a few seconds to realize that he was pleasuring himself. Although the many times he raped me during these 23 hours were horrible, him pleasuring himself while staring at me and one other thing that I won't get into yet gives me an over whelming sense of being objectified and degraded. I won't get into all the gross details of what he did to himself but I will say that some of them were very strange. I can only assume pain rather it be my pain or his own, turned him on. Near the end before he climaxed he stood up in front of me, no more than an arms length away and finished.
I don't know how to better describe the nasty, empty, and used feeling I had and still have when I felt his stuff land on me. It's a sensation I don't think I will ever be able to wash off my skin. I have tried so many times to get rid of the feeling that his stuff is still on me but nothing works. The whole time I was crying and I kept hearing someone's voice call out for their mom. Looking back at it now I think it was my voice that I was hearing. There were sounds that he was making, sounds that I wish I had never heard; breathing sounds and the sound of my name emanating from his mouth haunts me.
He used my torn clothes that lay on the floor to wipe himself off. He then repeated the words he told me about 10 minutes earlier, that he was going to make me feel more comfortable. He reached into the pocket of his pants that were on the floor and took a key out of it. I didn't know it was a key at first until he showed it to me. It was the key to the handcuffs that were holding my wrists over my head for the past hour. He stood behind me, teasing me with the key, asking me if I wanted him to free my hands. I really didn't know what to say. I wanted to say, "Yes, free my hands", but I was afraid that if I did he would then refuse to out of meanness. He began to touch me with his hand and while he was behind me I felt him become excited again.
He stepped back in front of me and grabbed tube of lotion or oil and covered himself down there with it and then walked back around to behind me. His hands grabbed me and he was so forceful and strong I wasn't able to fight. I tried so hard to keep him from entering back there but I couldn't stop him. It hurt so badly and I screamed as I was torn. This undoubtedly is one of the things he did that cause me to need surgery to fix a perforated bowl.
I remember vividly thinking to myself that this is really happening. I'm being raped, I'm being sodomized. I kept thinking about my dad, little sister, family, and friends being told by the police that a hiker found my lifeless body faced down in woods. I pictured my dad falling to the ground unable to understand what happened.
I felt that bastard breathe on the back of my neck and head. I can still feel the damp heat of his breath and the smell of cigarettes.
I wanted to be able to write more but I can't right now.
Jaime, there really are no words. I am so sorry that you had to endure this. I hope this monster, whoever he is, suffers miserably in prison. I do not understand how someone can be so cruel, so screwed up in the head. And just plain evil. You did not deserve this to happen to you. It just makes me sick. Sending you tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of HUGS! It must have been really difficult writing more of your story. I hope that you are surrounded by love and support right now. I know the way he acted made you feel terrible on the inside, but please try to remember that he is the sick one, not you. His vile actions did not defile you - your pure and kind heart radiates from you. He might have been able to damage your body in unspeakable ways, but he was not able to take that from you. I know that sometimes it's hard to see in yourself, but there is a strength in you that is going to pull you through this and allow you to the lives of many people. So proud of you for continuing to dedicate yourself to healing. xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteIt's always hard to write about this but writing is easier than talking about it. Having to remember in such detail in order to write about it makes it hard. Thanks for the hugs. :)
ReplyDeleteThere are more when you need 'em!
ReplyDeleteI always need them.
ReplyDeleteSending you more then!!! A constant stream :)
ReplyDeleteJaime you have been through so much with all this and to continue to write about it is really good and very therapeutic too. I know what you mean that it's easier to write it down then to talk about it. It's the only way I truly healed from my first attack. If it's easier just write whatever you can down about the whole ordeal and then decide when you want to share. It helps you start to heal one way and then when you are ready to post it will help you there too. No one's pushing you to share every disgusting detail of what he did to you. Trust me I had to clean all of mine up before posting and they were still brutal to read. What this monster did to you I can't even put into words right now. I really hope he gets everything he deserves for what he did to you throughout those 23 hours. I am hoping for a huge birthday present that he gets the strictest sentence. I am also glad that you have such an amazing father. You are one of the lucky ones there sweetie. Sending you a lifetime supply of ((((HUGS)))) your way and some strength too. Anytime you need more hugs or strength just ask.
ReplyDelete