Very early Saturday afternoon I started making phone calls to let the 10 adoptive families know how sorry I was for me losing the baby that could potentially have become their baby. It was without a doubt the most difficult news I have ever had to tell someone. Everyone was very supportive to me and none of them gave the impression that they thought I was to blame. Still, there were moments of silence where I knew they felt a huge disappointment and I can't help but feel bad about it. I wasn't able to get in touch with all 10 of them because 2 of them didn't answer the phone and I wasn't going to leave a message on voice mail. Of course they already know about the miscarriage; dad called the adoption agency not long after we got home from the hospital Wednesday and the agency notified them being that they were the final ten.
The majority of the conversations were very clinical in nature where we expressed a sympathy toward one another but didn't invite further conversation. There was one conversation that became very personal and lasted nearly 30 minutes. This woman was very kind and she asked me how I was handling losing the baby. I explained in some detail to her what I was thinking in regards to the miscarriage. Then she asked a question that I wasn't expecting, "What does the babies father think about all of this"? I inadvertently blurted out, "I don't know if he knows and I really don't care".
As you can imagine, this sparked an entirely new conversation. There I was talking to this woman who was wanted to adopt my baby and telling her personal information about how this all came to be. She spent much of the time trying to console me while my brain kept spewing out details I'm sure she had zero desire to know about.
After I got off the phone with that woman, I couldn't help but feel bad for dumping my emotions on her. It was unfair for me to do so. I should have simply told her that the baby's father wasn't a part of my life, but instead I told her stuff that will likely add to her pain. I sort of feel selfish for using her as an emotional release.
I guess I will try and call the other two today.
I'm just trying to hold myself together and not fall apart.
I think it was really good that you were able to talk to this lady. You were not telling her things that she didn't want to know, because if that was the case, she would have ended the conversation with you and not asked you more questions. Jamie, you are precious. And I am praying tonight that you will find comfort in the midst of all the turmoil of the past 6 weeks. You did not deserve any of what happened to you. And I am sorry for your loss. I know that there are many who will understand what you are going through and I am going to also pray that you find those people or they find you so that you may comfort one another.
ReplyDeleteThanks again.
ReplyDeleteI'm short on words tonight but I do want you to know that the kindness you are showing me, means a lot to me. :)
Hi Jaime, I am sorry that you are having to make these difficult phone calls. I know that feeling of worrying that you've said too much and feeling badly about it, but it really does sound like this woman was genuinely concerned. I think sometimes it takes a stranger to open the emotional flood gates, and I know it was probably difficult, but I'm glad that you were able to let out a little of what's in your mind. In the words of a very wise person, perhaps your emotional release prevented potential structural damage to your emotional dam ;-) Thinking of you as you go through these difficult phone calls. xxxx
ReplyDeleteI have that feeling of having said too much all the time, but I have had the same feeling long before all of this crap.
ReplyDelete"In the words of a very wise person", wow, good thing you have a therapist because you are insane. LOL Thank you for the compliment and you know I'm just kidding about the insanity. (((HUG)))
HA! :-)
ReplyDeleteI know you hate hearing this but you really are a strong girl. I mean to be able to make these calls after what you just went through. Also sometimes it's so much easier to just unload on to a complete stranger. I'm really sure she didn't mind. I hope it helped you at least a little bit. I wish I had more to add but I'm just not functioning very well atm. ((((HUGS)))) to you Jaime. You will get through all this I promise. Just take it one day at a time. There is no expiration date on how long you have to heal so just take your time. I'm always here for you.
ReplyDeleteI don't hate hearing it, it's just sometimes it feels like a lie.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hugs. I know I will get through all of this eventually, but I know survivors who are still struggling and it happened to them before I was even born. I guess I'm worried that it's going to take forever.
Kathy you have been here for me ever since we met and it means so much to me that you have been so supportive. I wouldn't have been able to survive if it hadn't been for you and several others. Thank you. http://www.glittergraphics.org/graphics/thank-you/images/10.jpg
Yeah I know what you mean but trust me Jaime it's not. Well all I can say is just try to stay positive and stay strong. I know I still struggle some times from my first attack but not as bad as I used to. This last one will take a while but I'm confident that I can get through it. In fact I was doing better until I saw my lawyer for the last time yesterday and he had a letter from my abuser basically explaining everything and apologizing. So now I've taken a step or two back but I know I will get there eventually.
ReplyDeleteAwww your welcome sweetie I'm happy to be here for you. Yeah I remember the late night chats, the venting and rants. That's what friends do for one another.