I Really Feel Like I Can't Take Much More Crap In My Life

This morning while I was asleep in bed I kept being awakened by very mild stomach cramps. Later after the alarm clock let me know it was time to get up to get ready for school I noticed that I had been spotting. Although it slightly concerned me I had heard that it can often happen during pregnancy and more often than not, it's not big deal.

Later while at school those very mild stomach cramps kept getting worse, and the entire area down there felt damp. I asked my teacher if I could go to restroom and once in the restroom I noticed that the spotting had turned into bleeding. I knew what was going on, I knew what was happening.

I used my cell phone to call my dad. He was having trouble understanding what I was trying to say. I wasn't ready for this baby, I didn't what a baby under these circumstances, but somehow I was crying and shaking so much that I couldn't talk clearly. Dad still somehow managed to understand enough and told me to find a teacher, but I couldn't leave. Dad finally told me just to wait there and someone will come get me.

I could hear him talking to someone else on his office phone and then he told me that a teacher or someone else from the school was on their way to me. Dad also told me that he was on his way to my school. A few minutes passed and the school counselor asked, "Jaime, are you in here"?

By the time I somewhat composed myself and we walked to the office in the front of the school dad was running in through the front door. Although the school had already called an ambulance dad insisted that it would be quicker for him to drive me to the hospital. To make a long story short, I miscarried.

I simply can't understand why I am so sad over losing something that I didn't want in the first place. Maybe it's because I had built this whole pregnancy as being the positive result from a negative action that I can give the world and two deserving adoptive parents. I really don't know what to think right now, my mind is sort of in a sludge. I feel like I am stuck in a pit of quicksand and each time I reach for a the edge, it gets further away.

What was left of the life that was inside me was sucked out and discarded in a treatment called Vacuum Aspiration. I feel so horrible like I am to blame for this. After getting home I Googled Vacuum Aspiration because I am a curious person. I guess I probably shouldn't have looked it up so soon. It's also a method used for the purpose of abortion. Now I understand there's a vast separation between Vacuum Aspiration after a miscarriage vs. for the purpose of an abortion, but I am left with this very icky feeling.

No more than 5 days ago we had finally narrowed the list of adoptive parents down to 10 and we had already met with 3 of them. What am I going to tell them? How do I explain that I failed them? 

I really feel like I can't take much more crap in my life.