A smile with a pat on the back,
and everyone thinks I'm okay.
They're unaware of a sad fact,
of how I'm trembling and afraid.
An outward disguise,
but on the inside....
I openly share my inner shame,
and everyone thinks I'm brave.
They're unaware of the self-blame,
and how my fears make me a slave.
Just an outward lie,
but on the inside....
-Jaime
and everyone thinks I'm okay.
They're unaware of a sad fact,
of how I'm trembling and afraid.
An outward disguise,
but on the inside....
I openly share my inner shame,
and everyone thinks I'm brave.
They're unaware of the self-blame,
and how my fears make me a slave.
Just an outward lie,
but on the inside....
-Jaime
Hi Jaime,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could just erase your pain. My heart goes out to you so much right now. Thank you for being so open and honest.
Though I cannot fathom what you went through during those 23 hours of hell, I can relate to your feelings of fear and self-blame. It must be so difficult to attend high school right now, listening to and engaging in casual conversations that probably seem so trivial and far-removed from what you are experiencing on the inside. I am so sorry that this terrible thing happened to you. I just want to reiterate that you are not to blame for any - ANY, ANY ANY - aspect of what happened to you.
Also, for what's worth, I want you to know that I think you are really brave. Going to high school in and of itself can be a difficult task for anyone, but to think that you are doing it with everything that is going on in your life right now is truly amazing. Even facing each day after such a traumatic event as the one you've experienced is a feat within itself. Experiencing fear and self-blame does not signify a lack of bravery, but rather it is a very unpleasant, but necessary part of the healing process (or so I've been told). Acknowledging these feelings is a HUGE testament to your bravery. Not to mention, it takes guts to share your story like you've been doing.
One more thing as I can't say this enough - you are not to blame. You are not to blame. You are not to blame.
I'm so sorry that you are having to face such intrusive thoughts and that they are holding you captive in your mind. Feel free to vent, vent, vent to release them as much as possible. Sending lots of hugs and positive energy your way!!!
xxx Melanie xxx
Oh how i wish i had the exact words to say. I can only say that i'm in the same place. The pain inside it seems at times holds me hostage. It's a monster, a great big monster, so I find ways to hide. On the outside you would think, oh how courageous she is but inside i scream and scream with no end...I'm very sorry Jaime that i don't have the right words for you. The only thing i can offer is love for you and hopes that one day this won't be your now.
ReplyDeleteMelanie, thanks for all your kind words. I will be okay, it's just going to take time.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm not to blame. Logic and reasoning tells me that. Still you know how it is, it takes time for the heart to catch up.
Thanks for the positive energy. :)
I'm sorry for your pain. Thanks for the kindness and love.
ReplyDeleteI too hope that one day you will find your own peace. :)
A healing touch is what you need
ReplyDeleteLife is ruthless all the time
But being torn by life doesn't feed
You soul's desire to chime