This will probably be one of the most embarrassing posts I have ever made and because of how embarrassing I think it will be, it also might be one of the shortest.
This is the first time I have ever talked about this to anyone. I most certainly haven't mentioned it to my dad, I had thought about mentioning it to my therapist but didn't, and I almost mentioned here to a friend previously in one of her posts.
Okay I, uggggh....
After more than 20 hours of being in my rapists van. After more rapes than I care to remember. After more physical pain than I thought I would ever have to deal with. I was past the point where I wanted to give up, and for all accounts I had given up. I was laying there seemingly catatonic and I had already stopped fighting a few hours earlier. Anything he wanted to do to me, I let him. I stopped fighting, I simply gave up.
My rapist, being the sick and twisted person he is, he began to try to stimulate me. It is so embarrassing for me to talk about. He stopped being rough with me and his hands, his vile hands became gentle. I felt two different things simultaneously. At first all I felt was a physically and emotionally numb disgust, the same disgust I had felt most of the time I was in his van. Somewhere along the line of his vile gentleness, and him rubbing the top part of my vagina. I felt the my physical numb disgust separate itself from my emotional numb disgust. My body actually began to betray my emotions by allowing this sick bastard's hands to give me a pleasurable physical reaction. At first I didn't even register what was happening and then once I realized that I was beginning to have an orgasm, I tried so desperately to stop myself. I tried so hard, but my body ignored my emotions, it ignored my will. I couldn't help it, and I gave in, I let myself, and even pined for the momentary relief that an orgasm would grant me. I let it happen, and it did happen.
I have felt dissatisfaction in my actions before, but this feels so much stronger than a simple dissatisfaction. I feel betrayed and violated by myself. How am I suppose to process what happened to me, and what I allowed to happen to me on an emotional level? The man who raped me and violated my body 11 times in a 23 hour period, was also the man who gave me my first orgasm. That's so messed up. I have never been with a guy sexually, intentionally. I have tried only one time unsuccessfully prior to my assault to stimulate myself to orgasm. I realize age has a lot to do with it and that it's very common for me to not be able to have an orgasm at my age, age 16. Still, why did my first orgasm have to be in this way? I feel disgusting beyond comprehension for letting this happen. I should have been able to control my body.
Am I weird? Am I messed up? Am I just as disturbed as the guy who raped me? I must have something wrong with me or I wouldn't be capable of having an orgasm under these circumstances. I fear that I will be scarred for life because of this.
Someone please tell me what's wrong with me.
Urgh that guy was so disgusting he used every way possible to use you for his pleasure.
ReplyDeleteOn a different note sort of i know you dont even want to think about sex right now but i just thought id share my experiences in the hope they give you some hope.
It may be a bit to much information so dont read it if you dont want its just about my body no major triggers.
I orgasm way too easily for my liking but i have learnt that my body has different types of orgasms. i cant make myself orgasm i.e with my own hand. i had orgasms with guys i hated and slept with from not being able to tell them no, it felt physically good releasing but made me feel sick at the same time, after a while i started thinking god made me to be a whore coz my body reacted like that.
But now... I have been with my boyfriend for five years and have learnt how with lots of courage and love to have good orgasms i enjoy them and they feel really different than the ones i had before, those ones felt like a machine doing its job in comparisson now that i can look back at them. And after all our bodies are organic machines doing what they've evolved to do. I sometimes wonder if we get wet as a form of protection like natural lube, because women in the past had even less choice than we do.
I am lucky with my boyfriend he's not like most guys i have often thought i should clone him and make lots of money :) but there is hope. Just dont settle for just anyone just to be with someone like society pressures you to. (Have been studying sociology so have been made aware of the many pressures of society but thats another story),
Also i have friends who find it really hard to orgasm for one reason or other... and they still manage to enjoy sex some quite amazingly.... and some of these have had SA. Time can heal and your doing it right by confronting what happened rather than blocking it. In my experience of survivors the ones who confront their trauma and not blame themselves do best.
Of course, Jaime - I am happy to be here for you :) I know this won't prevent you from beating yourself up over this (if you're anything like me, rationally thinking about something and truly feeling/believing it are two very different things), but I can assure that it doesn't mean that you're messed up or anything. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. Whether or not it happens depends on a whole host of things that do not imply that something is inherently wrong with you. When I get extremely emotional over something, I will suddenly get a strange calming sensation over my entire body (almost like a drug-induced high). Our bodies have mechanisms in place to help regulate our stress levels, and I wouldn't be surprised if your body was responding to help alleviate some of the trauma he caused to your body. Obviously, as you have learned, our bodies do not always know what's best or do what our minds want!
ReplyDeleteYou said: "I tried so hard, but my body ignored my emotions, it ignored my will. I couldn't help it, and I gave in, I let myself, and even pined for the momentary relief that an orgasm would grant me. I let it happen, and it did happen."
Jaime, it would have happened regardless. Your body's response is not your fault, I promise. If only words could take away the pain... :(
For what it's worth, when I was reading your post, I never - not even for a second - even considered that there was even the SLIGHTEST thing wrong with you. I know it's hard to see when you are bombarded with so many intense emotions, but I promise you, from an outsider's perspective, it is VERY clear that you were the victim of terrible crimes that you did not deserve at the hands of this disgusting pervert (I have yet to find a satisfactory way of referring to him - I don't think there are words for how messed up he is).
Jaime, you went through some crazy traumatic stuff for a really long, drawn out time. Both your body and mind were under attack and both of these parts of you literally had to fight for your life. It's understandable that your mind and body went in separate directions at times during those 23 hours - they were fighting against the same villain, but your body was fighting one battle of survival while your mind was fighting another. Your body's reaction is not evidence that you are dirty or flawed. I know it's hard to believe and feel that it's true, but you will get there.
Something my therapist has been working on with me (because I always need a reason for everything - if I feel something, I want to know why I feel that way, etc.) is instead of focusing so hard on figuring out confusing emotions and criticizing myself for them, she is suggesting that I try to "acknowledge" them. I don't know if that makes sense at all - I am a little loopy from lack of sleep and a really long day of traveling. I don't have it here, but when I get back from my trip, I will send you some relaxation/coping exercises. I don't know if they'll help, but it's worth a shot.
So proud of you for not deleting your post and going at this head-on. It is really inspiring. xxxxx
As said before, there is nothing you could have done to stop this so please don't feel badly for this happening.
ReplyDeleteOur bodies, unlike our minds, are unable to tell the difference between stimulation we want and stimulation we don't want. Our bodies will physically react when stimulated whether we want it to or not, and it has nothing to do with you being "messed up" or "weird". It is a natural reaction. And you can't control when it happens either..so just because you tried yourself before and nothing happened, doesn't mean that something's wrong with you because it happened then. <3
This is also a really common thing that I've heard people say after their attacks, so you're not alone in that either. Please try to talk to your therapist about it, it's probably the only way to move past this..try to remember that you did nothing wrong.
Also, I'm from RYL and there is a post about this somewhere in the Abuse and Bullying forum, if you're interested in looking for it.
*offers gentle hugs*
We are very alike in the way where we want to understand the reasons things are the way they are, but I think your therapist is correct. We should just accept that some things "ARE".
ReplyDeleteI'm a little loopy too, but mine is from sleeping too well. I seriously think my psychiatrist needs to give me a smaller dose on the Ambian. I see her tomorrow and I will talk to her about it.
Thanks again. Although I know what you are saying is correct and logical, I'm just trying to get my heart to catch up to my brain.
Thanks for your insight about orgasms. I guess basically you are describing the difference between being only physically stimulated vs. being physically and emotionally stimulated. It does seem that the emotional stimulation will add to the pleasure.
ReplyDeleteYou know what they say, "Once something is copied, it's no longer unique, and no amount of money could purchase it back".
I get what you mean. I'm glad you have your BF, and I'm glad he's a good guy.
Thanks for your support Laura.
Thanks for your feedback. Yeah, although I know what you're saying is factual, my heart is still a little behind.
ReplyDeleteI might look for it later after I wake up the rest of the way and I can think clearly.
Thanks for your feedback. I do appreciate it.
As is stated numerous times in sexual abuse survival literature--"your body was responding naturally to an unnatural situation." I fully understand from my own experience that it is very tough to swallow the fact that this is where your first one came from, and it sucks.
ReplyDeleteI wish you didn't understand, and I'm sorry that you do.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I have been doing a lot of reading about this lately. Although I know it is purely a physical reaction, it still sucks.
Dear Blogger,
ReplyDeleteIts easier for me to say all this because i am DE-personalised.I was not there and it never happened to me. I feel guilty to console you.My partner told me once and i agreed that our body has a mind of its own. Sometimes it reacts weirdly. You will be suprised to know how many rape cases do not stand justice simply because the offender "claims" the victim was enjoying it, simply because she achieved orgasm.
Orgasm is a difficult action to explain. You need a body mind co-ordination to achieve it. But sometimes stimulating the right points do teh trick. After touching you for so long that bastard found out your gspot. That psycho nasty horse shit was challenged by your detachment. Every rapists feed on fear. When he found out you resigned he made his own version of "love" to you to get a different response.
YOU ARE THE VICTIM HERE BECAUSE YOUR PLEASURE WASNT WANTED. IT WAS DEMANDED. IF HE WERE YOUR HUSBAND TOO, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN GUILTY.
ITS DIFFICULT. BUT DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.
DID YOU TRY TO SEEK JUSTICE? WAS YOUR FAMILY SUPPORTIVE?
Dear J'aime,
ReplyDeleteAs a woman i pray that you get justice and that baster rots in hell.
He is in prison and the earliest he can get out is 2038.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your support, encouragement, and understanding.
ReplyDeleteYes, I sought justice. He was arrested within hours of him letting me go and he has been in jail ever since. He was sentence December 20th 2011 and the earliest he can get release is 2038.
Just came across this post. Apparently years after it was made. I will tell you that I used to prosecute sex crimes for years and put these people in prison for decades. I have heard similar accounts from other victim's.. It is hard to get you mind around that experience. It is NOT uncommon for this physical reaction to occur in victims. You can overcome it. Hopefully, you already have. If not, you need to be in counseling specifically for victim's of sexual assault by professionals trained in this area.
ReplyDelete