His Haunting Eyes, And My Mask

I get so tired of pretending. I have been trying so hard to heal. I talk and write about my pain and what happened to me like my therapist suggests, and like nearly everyone else suggests. I try my best to remain distracted from my emotions whenever I'm not specifically trying to share them, but they always creep in and take over. I seriously feel like I am losing my mind. I have looked at my reflection in the mirror and I see a stranger looking back at me. I honestly don't know who that person is. She looks just like me physically, but with ugly short hair and a 2 inch scar over my left eye. After 11 weeks the scar is still pink and disgusting. It's more than my physical appearance, it's hard to explain. It's almost like the guy who hurt me has somehow tainted me or become a part of me. I know how ridiculous that sounds and I don't mean it in literal terms.

There was many times while he was hurting me in one way or another that he made me stare into his eyes. He did this under threat of an even greater form of torture. Many of these threats involved tools like hammers, nails, blow torches, knives, and chemicals such as Drano, lighter fluid, and paint thinner. He also threatened to break my bones one at a time if I didn't look him in the eyes while he abused me. All of these threats but one he spared me of. He eventually did break arm because I broke eye contact with him too many times but that's a later story. I spent so long staring into the eyes of the monster that I can't remove them from my memory. The memory of his eyes are just under the surface, and just under the surface of every set of eyes that I see, including my own. When I look into the mirror at my reflection I see my scarred face and messed up hair, but worse than that I see the man who hurt me staring back at me. It feels like he is haunting me in the safety of my own home, and the supposed privacy of my own mind.

I need a lobotomy or something to excise the part of my brain that contains his memory. The sad part is that his memory has become such a part of me that I think my entire brain would have to be removed. I just wish there was a surgical procedure that would work to remove a memory, but I know it's not possible and I'm stuck with this memory. One of my friends have suggested that I see a hypnotist, but as much as I love my friend I have to wonder which one of us is the nut case.

I just wish I could forget his eyes and the disturbing delight they seemed to have as he saw tears falling from mine. I hear his voice when I try to sleep, shower, or even sit and relax. I try so hard to keep my mind occupied because that's the only thing that keeps him away from me. While trying to keep myself occupied I sometimes go overboard when trying to help other people. I know sometimes I go too far and people will not even tell me when I do because they are worried they will hurt my feelings. I don't blame them for being hesitant to say something to me, after all, I have threatened suicide before and that is now always ingrained in other's minds. I will say this once again, that threat of suicide was a one time thing. I will never threaten to commit suicide again.

I want to reset my life, but I know that's impossible. I would like to be able to fast forward through this healing process, but I also know that's impossible. I want to be stronger than I really am, I want to be able to take this mask off and let my strength free so that it can protect me. I'm just not sure what will happen if I remove this mask and people see me for the weak person I really, truly, am on the inside. People will probably run away from me with the sudden realization that I'm a lost cause, and they no longer will waste their energy trying to fix the impossibly broken spirit that is me. I guess I will keep this mask on for a while because I can't afford to lose any support right now.