Sexual Assault Risk - Conservatively Dressed vs. Flirtatiously Dressed

I have recently read a post on a support forum in regards to the way someone is dressed as being a temptation to potential sexual assailants. One side of the argument proclaims that wearing very conservative clothing reduces the risk of being sexually assaulted. Another side proclaims that the clothing doesn't affect our chances of being assaulted. I have been thinking about this and I wonder if it makes a difference, but sort of from a different angle. First I will try and explain what I THINK a potential sexual assailant thinks when looking at a flirtatiously dressed girl/person and a conservatively dressed girl/person.

Flirtatiously Dressed:

I think when a potential sexual assailant sees someone who is flirtatiously dressed they see someone who is "pickup smart". Meaning, she has heard all the tricks, manipulation tactics, and lines that exists. As a result she's not as likely to be taken advantage of in an emotional sense. Also I think because society teaches us that the flirtatiously dressed girl is more likely to VOLUNTARILY put out that she won't be a challenge and if there's no challenge there's no rewarding gratification.

Conservatively Dressed:

I think when a potential sexual assailant sees someone who is conservatively dressed they see someone who has never "been kissed". Meaning that they are a little innocent in their knowledge of pickup tactics, thus naive and unaware that they are being manipulated. Also the conservatively dressed girl gives off this ambiance that they are ideal from a purity standpoint. They have the reputation of being untouched and maybe even a goody two shoes.

A sexual assault is seldom about sex, it's about control and power. The assailant would be more gratified by the manipulation of an innocent and the conservatively dressed girl is associated with innocence. Also what would give a power seeking sick-O a greater since of power? (1) Taking something from a girl that he perceives has already been given many times(sex). - OR - (2) Taking from a girl what he perceives to be so precious and valuable to her that she wants to be very selective as to who she shares it with. I think #2 is the most gratifying scenario to an assailant.

There's another side to this. 55%-61% of rapes are premeditated (pre-planed), 22%-24% are rapes of opportunity (date rapes), and 15%-22% are impulsive (stranger rapes). So yes I would say that dressing flirtatiously MAY eliminate part of the risk associated to the POWER seeking premeditated 55%-61%, but it will likely increase the risk from the impulsive 15%-22% and maybe also increase the risk from the opportunistic 22%-24%. Power and gratification through manipulation is a premeditated act, but sexual gratification is mostly an impulse and an opportunistic act.

I could be way off on this because I haven't really researched it. I personally feel that a premeditated rape has the potential to be less deadly because the assailant has generally pre-planned their escape and how to limit physical evidence. The impulsive and opportunistic assailant didn't plan anything, they act on a seconds impulse and after they have finished their next impulse could be to eliminate the only witness because the assailant suddenly realizes that they have left all sorts of forensic evidence and a witness.

Conclusion:

Although the chance of being assaulted might slightly decrease if you dress flirtatiously as opposed to conservative, the chance of death as a result of murder to eliminate the only witness might increase. So I don't know if it is a fair or safe tradeoff of potential risks. Especially when 55% -61% of rapes are premeditated and when premeditation is taken into account the likelihood of the assault being sexual in nature instead of controlling is decreased.

Just to let everyone know this article is just my opinion and is based off of very little research. The only facts are the percentages and that regardless of how a person is dressed it doesn't define the person, and limit their rights to not be assaulted. We all have an equal right to be safe.

Source For Percentages:

Crime & Clues

THE ART & SCIENCE OF CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION

A Venting Letter

Before anyone reads this I want it to be clear that this is just a means of venting. I have no intention of harming myself.

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Dear World,

I became a part of you when I was 100% useless and vulnerable. I spent 16 years trying to become something of worth that was strong, but I have failed. I should be standing tall but instead I cower in the corner. This is even before you pissed and shit on me with extreme indifference. Now I am less than nothing, now I am worth less than valueless. Now I'm not even strong enough to be worthy of the breath in my lungs, love, compassion, or life.

World, I submit to your cruelty and I'm on my knees in defeat. As my life spills on the floor I replace the stain that is me upon the world with a single staining puddle that a sponge can clean up. I know you will be a far better place for others without me.

Dear Fellow Survivors,

I came to you when I needed support the most. As welcoming and understanding as you all were, I can not risk that I will become an even greater burden to you. It is unfair for me to want you to support what is already broken, and what is damaged beyond repair. It is unfair for me to contaminate your lives with my perpetual stain. You all have your own needs and I can't be so selfish as to expect support from you when you are just trying to keep yourself intact.

I have nothing but stupid juvenile opinions that are lacking in an obvious empathy that everyone needs. I am too stupid to understand, too stupid to encourage, and too stupid to deserve the chance to help someone else. All of you deserve so much more support and better encouragement than I am capable of giving.

My actions will not only set me free from the bonds of corporeal pain, but it will rid me from you like the cancerous growth I am.

Dear Dad,
Don't cry, just find comfort in that I am no longer hurting. I am free, and you are free from my burdening imposition. Now you will have more energy and time to raise Amie, she deserves you so much more than I. Although you will miss me and it will hurt, it is far better to rip the band-aid off than it is to slowly torture you.

Daddy, you didn't fail me, I failed you. I should have listened to your words of wisdom. If I would have just listened, this wouldn't have happened. I failed you and I do not deserve your love. Now you can put all of your efforts into protecting and raising Amie, she deserves you so much more than I.

I love you daddy, but I don't deserve your love. Please allow me one more imposition. Go to my blog and print out my letter to the court and read it during his sentencing.

Dear little sister,

I regret that I will not be there to be the big sister that you should have been able to come to for advice. I know you don't understand this now and I pray you never will understand. I simply can not risk that you will become tainted by me. I am bad for you. There's only one lesson I can teach you, and that is to listen to dad.

Amie, I love you. I am in a better place now, and I am with mom now. We look forward to seeing you after you live a long full life.

Dear rapist,
You won the fight, you overpowered me on every level. You have won the war, and I am too broken to fight anymore. I hope you feel proud of your life's singular accomplishment.

Dear Police,

This is a self-inflicted injury with the intent of my own death. There's nothing to investigate. Instead put resources into investigating REAL crimes.

Dear Court,

In my statement of mine that my dad read I said I wouldn't hint to what I think is a fair punishment. I have changed my mind. Fair would be a dark and filthy hole in the earth where the worms can feast upon him. At least this way he can be some good to the world. Don't kill him, just bury him alive and let the worms kill him.

A Letter To My Rapist's Mom

The following is a letter I am thinking about giving the mother of the guy who raped me. I am wanting to do this because I can partially imagine what a parent (especially a mom) would be going through in the situation that they have been forced into by their child's actions. I would appreciate feedback on if this is totally insane, outlandish, or insensitive of me to write. As I say in the letter, the last thing I want to do is add to his mom's pain. If I do give this to her it is as much for me as it is for her, but I will not allow my needs here to further hurt her.

I have discussed the legality of this with my lawyer and as long as it doesn't come off as harassment, slanderous, or intentionally hurtful it is okay. I ask each of you if this does come off in that way? If I do give her this letter it will be after he is sentenced on the 20th, and it will be given to her by my lawyer.

Dear Mrs. (her last name),

I have struggled with the idea of writing you this letter. I am so worried that this letter will be received negatively. It most certainly isn't meant to add to the pain you undoubtedly are feeling right now. In many ways I can only imagine what you are going through as a mother. Although there's currently no way I could possibly understand what you are going through, I do realize all of this must be very hard for you. I want you to know that I hold no anger toward you. Sometimes things happen that aren't a reflection of how we were raised. Sometimes a parent can be the most devout of parents and things still become messed up. Sometimes the best of parents become separated from their child due to the child's own wrong choices. I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel that anything that happened to me is your fault, and I pray that you don't feel that it's your fault.

When tragedies, difficulties, and emotional struggle happens in our lives and the lives of those we care about, all we can do is continue to move forward and show support for those we love. We can drive ourselves crazy with questions like why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Why couldn't I have prevented this from happening? The reality is sometimes everything can be done right, and things can still go wrong.

Mrs. (her last name), I am sorry for how much this situation has affected everyone. You and ALL of your family are in my prayers.

-Jaime

Just A Stupid Feeling

So dad, my sister, and I went out for an early dinner. After we finished eating we left to go home, but instead of going home dad pulled into a used car lot. Okay, dad knows I have been wanting to look at cars and see which one I like that are within my affordability range, but MY affordability rage not his. I understand he wants me to have a really nice and safe car, but I can only afford one that is so new, so safe, and so nice. Dad is pointing out cars with all these safety features and are practically brand new that I can't afford. I know what he's doing, I know my dad so well. He's thinking about buying me a car for Christmas and he is trying to figure out what kind of car I like by showing me all the ones he thinks are safe. He would never have thought about doing this before all the crap in my life. I don't want him to feel guilted into buying me a car because of my circumstances. 

How do I tell my dad that I don't want him to buy me a car without hurting his feelings? I want to buy my own car, even if that car isn't as safe as or as new as dad wants me to have.

This must seem like a non issue to most people. I just don't want to feel helpless, and it just seems that if I was the one to buy my own car, pay for the costs myself, that I would be somehow empowering my own freedom. That sounds so stupid.

I just want to feel like an adult instead of this freaking damaged little child I have been feeling like.

Am I being stupid? Please be honest.

My Statement To The Court (Revised) 17 Days Till Sentencing

In just under seventeen days the monster who hurt me will be sentenced for his crimes. As a survivor I am given the right to address the court during his sentencing. The following text will be my statement to the court. To read the original version go here.

Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to speak.

Every two minutes in the United States someone is sexually assaulted. That adds up to 213,000 sexual assaults each year. Almost 94,000 of those sexual assaults involve people younger than age 18. A staggering 128,000 sexual assaults each year are never reported to the police. This translates to a sad fact that 15 out of 16 individuals who commit an act of sexual assault never see a day in jail for their crime. I as a survivor of rape want answers. I want to know why the statistics favor the assailants so much more that the victim.

I never thought I would be a victim of rape. I don't think anyone thinks they'll be a victim of rape. When something as awful as rape happens and we hear about it, we often have this voice in the back of our mind that tells us that it will never happen to me. I had that voice. It's a harsh reality to accept, but I was raped, sodomized, and beaten repeatedly by the defendant.

The defendant held me captive in his van for nearly twenty three hours. During this twenty three hour nightmare I was naked and not allowed to cover up. I was raped vaginally eleven times, raped by means of sodomy three times, raped orally five times, and molested in so many ways I can't even count. During these assaults I was made helpless and unable to defend myself by his use of handcuffs, rope, and shreds of my own clothes that he cut off of me with his pocket knife. This was the same knife that he held against my throat as he joked around about killing me. The same knife he held against other parts of my body promising to mutilate me in order to force me into compliance with his twisted desires.

Several hours into this nightmare I gave up trying to fight. I simply allowed him to be my puppet master. I accepted that I would eventually be murdered. He then used the threats of even more vile forms of torture to sway me into performing sexual acts for him. These threats included tools like hammers, nails, blow torches, knives, and chemicals such as Drano, lighter fluid, and paint thinner. He also threatened to break my bones one at a time if I didn't look him in the eyes while he abused me. All of these threats but one he spared me of.

The defendant eventually let me go. He drove his van in front of my home, opened the side door to his van, and pushed me out onto the pavement. I never will forget the last words he said to me just before he drove away. "Thank you bitch, I had a great time."

I struggled to run into the safety of my home where I could cover myself. My dad drove me to the hospital. I was treated for dehydration, cuts, bruises, and a broken arm. I received a total of thirty seven stitches in the emergency room. Then I spent several humiliating hours being subjected to evidence collection to make sure the defendant's guilt would be proven. Sixteen days later I found out that I needed surgery to fix a perforated bowel. I also found out that I was pregnant and since I have never been with a man, the defendant was the sperm donor. One month later while in school I miscarried and lost this baby whom my dad and I were in the process of finding a suitable family for adoption.

I didn't only receive a broken arm, cuts, bruises, tears, and internal damage that required surgery to repair, but I also have emotional injuries that I will continue to heal from long after my body's injuries have healed. This is something that will affect me for the rest of my life. The defendant took something from me during those twenty three hours where he raped and beat me at his leisure. It's more then my virginity or my body. It's my peace of mind, comfort, and sense of security. It's a first sexual experience that I always hoped would be tender and beautiful. No longer will I have hope that my first sexual experience will be a beautiful sharing between two lovers. I will always have the memory of me being raped and the chance of the emotional pain resurfacing during a future relationship.

I have spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out how to deal with the emotional damage this assault has caused me. In all honesty I have had a difficult time calling what he did to me rape. I have said he hurt me, assaulted me, and other terms to describe what he did to me. The reason why is because rape is such a horrible thing. In many ways I guess I was afraid of the word rape nearly as much as I was afraid to be in his van. I want the court to know that I'm not afraid, but mostly I want the defendant to know that I am not afraid of the word rape anymore; nor am I afraid of him.

I come here urging this court to pass fair sentence on the defendant. I honestly do not know what would be a fair punishment. I could never be impartial because I am far too vested in his punishment. As a result I will not hint as to what I feel is a fair sentence. I will simply put my faith is the wisdom of this court and expect this court to deliver due justice so that a message is sent to anyone who would choose to do harm to another person in this manner that justice will be served and crimes of the nature will not go unpunished. The cycle of sexual assaults and relaxed judgments against the assailants have to stop. Let this be the beginning of shifting the statistics that favor the assailant to statistics that favor the survivors. Without this shift in societal paradigm we can never hope to end sexual violence.

Thank you again for this opportunity to let my voice be heard.

I Unplugged For A Few Hours

I was in a really bad mood yesterday. It started right before I went to sleep the night before. I don't have any idea what triggered it because 2 days ago I was in a pretty good mood all day long. Yesterday I woke up all pissed off, not at anything in particular. I felt like I was on the edge of sanity and just one small step away from blowing up.

As some of you may know I started a part time job this week. I only worked 12 hours this week which is okay but I want to work at least 20 hours so I can more easily afford the expenses that come with having a car. Work is pretty easy but there's one thing that bothers me about the job. I think this is one of the things that bothered me so much yesterday. I want to give some quick background so you can see what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from.

I am slightly claustrophobic, always have been. The guy who hurt me held me captive in his van for a 23 hour period of time. The van was similar to a delivery van that you would see UPS or a bread truck using. The inside of it was roughly 7 feet high (just a little shorter than the ceiling in a typical home), about 7 feet wide, and 12 feet long. That's not an extraordinarily tight space but for someone who has a fear or even a slight fear of small spaces it was very unsettling. This isn't even taking into account all the stuff that happened to me in that small space or the fact that I was often blindfolded which made the space seem even smaller.

At the grocery store I work at there's a walk in freezer that just happens to be near the same size as the inside of the van. It bothers me a little to be in there but I know I am safe so it's not too big of a deal. Well, this freezer is designed so that they can be opened from the outside or the inside. All walk in freezer built after a certain year has a safety mechanism which keeps the seal around the door from freezing and trapping someone inside. The manager made me aware of this and has even temporarily placed a handheld radio (walkie-talkie) inside of it just in case someone get's trapped so they can call the manager or someone to help them get out. Being that I hate small spaces and the freezer similarities to the van, I always use something to prop open the door when I am in there. I need to see an open door; it's as simple as that. Yesterday while I was in the freezer someone (coworker) purposely moved the bucket that I was using to prop open the door, causing the door to slam shut. I didn't know at the time that this happened intentionally. No big deal, it will take a few minutes for the door to freeze shut. Long story made short, this employee who was just trying to be funny and had no harming intentions leaned against the door. This gave me the impression that the door had frozen shut. Still, no big deal; I grabbed the radio and called for the manager but of course the manager was out in the parking lot and the radio was on his desk.

After a few minutes the guy who shut the freezer door opened it and let me know that he was just playing a joke on me. I politely told him to never do that again. He was laughing and I then emphasized that I was being serious. He said that it was just a joke and I needed to learn how to take a joke. Now I realize he has no idea what the issue is with me and I do not hold that against him. Still I told him I was being serious about this and he dismissed me.

Later one of the cashiers asked me if I was okay. She said that I looked like I was upset. I told her what happened with the freezer and I also told her that tight spaces are a problem for me. I explained that I'm claustrophobic and that recently something really horrible happened to me in a closed in space. She didn't ask too many questions, but she offered to listen if I needed to talk. This well intentioned cashier at some point told the manager that the guy employee locked me in the freezer. This stirred up controversy that landed right in my lap. As far as I was concerned the freezer incident was over with, but the manager called everyone to the break room for a meeting.

The manager reiterated that this was a work place not a place to horseplay. Okay, good enough. The guy who shut the door on me got upset thinking that I told on him to the manager. I didn't tell on him, the cashier did. He looked at me and called me a snitch and a snob. I was visibly upset at this point and the manager told him again that this wasn't the place for horseplay. The guy co-worker asked what's the big deal about playing a joke on her. It was a harmless joke. I became pissed, I was furious. Why couldn't he have just let this go? I walked up to this co-worker and talked very calmly and quietly. I said, "Brad, I didn't tell on you. As far as I was concerned you locking me in the freezer was over with. Since you want to know what the big deal is I will explain it to you. I am scared of small spaces, maybe you heard of it, claustrophobia. Also since you want to know so badly what the BIG DEAL is, three month ago I was abducted and held captive in a van about the same size as that freezer. I was repeatedly raped and beaten inside that van. So yes BRAD, being locked in that freezer that reminded me so much of that van was such a funny joke. FORGIVE ME FOR NOT LAUGHING."

I felt immediately ashamed after I stopped talking. The fact that everyone else who was there was silent because they didn't know what to say, didn't help. I sort of felt empowered, vindicated, and ashamed all at the same time. I walked out of the meeting and into the employee restroom. It didn't take long before someone came to check on me.

Later after I got home I had a dispute with someone on a support forum. I will say it wasn't with someone on After Silence, it was a different forum. This dispute wasn't a big deal, but an administrator of that forum said to me, "if you don't like it here you can go somewhere else". That hit me the wrong way because I wasn't aware that the dispute I had was a real big deal. The entire dispute came down to an argument that started in a thread. I wasn't even a part of this argument. The gist of it was that the administrator disciplined another forum member, but instead of disciplining them by private message they did it in the thread. Essentially letting everyone know that this person was being punished and what their punishment was. I simply contacted that administrator by private message and told her that I thought it should have been handled privately. I tried to explain that handling this in the thread can embarrass the person in question and it seems unprofessional to do that so publicly. Now keep in mind the person that was being disciplined didn't do some horrible thing, but they did show a little bit of disrespect to another member. The administrator apparently didn't like that I suggested that it would have been better to handle all of this in private. She replied back, "if you don't like it here you can go somewhere else". Maybe I'm too sensitive, but when an administrator of a support forum shows such a lack of common decency I tend to get a bad impression of that forum as a whole.

This just added to everything that was going on in my mind. I felt like removing myself from the world. I almost deleted all my online accounts including my blog, but instead I unplugged for several hours. Plus I have been spending too much time in political debate forums. Sure these forums keep me distracted and since I am being HOME SCHOOLED now, I haven't been able to participate in the debate team that I loved so much at the school I was going to. I thought it would be a fitting replacement. The problem with debate forums is when I leave them and go to a support forum that I need to keep myself sane, I have trouble turning off the competitive debating side of me. As a result I can often become very direct in my opinions.

If I ever become very argumentative, please don't take it as personal. I am a very passionate person and when I see something that I feel really strongly about I can become seemingly cold and insensitive in my responses. If I made anyone feel bad during one of my many opinions please accept my apology.

Free Writing Exercise Just Because I am Bored

I was reading a blog named Because You Are Worth Waiting For owned by an online friend of mine earlier. On this blog she did a free writing exercise where she set a timer for five minutes and wrote continuously without regard to grammar, spelling, or plot. Basically just transferring random thought into type. I am going to do that because I am bored and I think my friend had fun doing it. I will stop at the end of five minutes even if I am in the middle of a thought. Here is goes, the timer is set for five minutes.

The blinking curser on the screenaggravates me, I can't type the heater just kicked on. my head hurts I wonder why the hell am I doing this I must really be board. my nose itches anf I need to shave my legs . I have to do laundry in the morning ,peacok my cat is snoring. i am more board with this than I thought I woulf be. now my head itches I cant even stop typing so that I can scratch because this is suppose to be non stop typing who in the wotrld came up wuth this and what is the pointt oto itr I have no idea but I do know I need to take a typing vcal class because this is fidic ridiculas I am officially the worls d wortst typist okay now I get it Iam laughing at my self and noew I cant stop laughing my cat woke up and i am hoping this five minute is over with so I can gop back to watching my name is earl on tv. I think its a stupid sho but still kinda funny I sort od wish friends was on instead. man this is a long foive minutes I have so may n many typos I doubt people will even un derstand what I am typing. I really need to learn how to type. My fingers are not very coordinated  my nose is itching now now im iching all over  I really need to scrathc./