Question Submitted by M.M.
Q: Since your assault, what has been the most meaningful/helpful thing that someone has said to you?
A: It is so hard to find specific things that people has said to me that has actually helped and I think it will be different for everyone. One of the more persistent feelings I have had since my assault is the feeling of stupidity. Me being so easily manipulated has done so much more to harm me in terms of self-esteem than anything else. This causes me to blame myself, more specifically it causes me to call myself stupid. I tell people I am stupid all the time, sometimes it is directly or jokingly. I call myself a retard online when I make mistakes, and in my real life when I mess up on something I call myself a ignorant bitch. I know I shouldn't do that and I try not too but it still happens. I have noticed that I go out of my way sometimes to prove to others that I am not stupid, I guess I am hoping that I will believe it if I am told enough times that I am not stupid. So I guess the most beneficial thing is for someone to not tell me that I am smart, but treat me as if I am not stupid. Telling me I am smart or not stupid I don't think matters because I seldom believe people more than I believe myself. I am my own worst critic and I trust my negative opinions of myself while simultaneously distrusting any positive opinions.
Question Submitted by M.M.
Q: What is something you have longed to hear someone else say to you since your assault but that you haven't heard yet?
A: That is simple on the surface but not so much in reality. The only thing I want to hear that I haven't heard is, "It's okay, it was just a bad dream".
I know that's not going to happen and I know if someone did say that they are more nutty than me. I don't think there is anything "Realistic" that I have longed to hear, I have thought about this for over a week and there just isn't anything. There probably is something that I need to hear but I don't know what it is, but that might be because I am too retarded.
I think validation of what I am feeling and thinking might be the things I want to hear the most, but the problem is I want to hear the bad validation along with the good validation. When I say that I am stupid I secretly want people to agree with me so that I can futilely convince them otherwise. I think it comes down to me wanting the right circumstances so that I can feel as if I am not responsible for my ignorance, sort of like it is a handicap. I know it doesn't make any sense.
Question Submitted by M.M.'s husband.
If you could travel anywhere in the world, where you would you go and why? This is a question from my husband (he is in town visiting); he does not read your blog but knows about you through your correspondence on my blog. I hope you don't mind that I submitted a question from him.
A: Well this question has some unrealistic answers and some realistic answers. Unrealistically I would like to go to heaven to be comforted by mom. I know heaven is sort of outside the world but I said it was an unrealistic answer. More realistically I would like to go sightseeing and visit the 7 wonders of the ancient world and to actually see the original US Constitution, not the facsimile that people so often see. I think Japan (Tokyo) and Australia would be on my list as well.
“I am my own worst critic and I trust my negative opinions of myself while simultaneously distrusting any positive opinions.”
ReplyDeleteI can 100% relate to this. That’s why sometimes I feel like I’m my own worst enemy in healing. It is taking me a lot of effort to overcome this tendency, and I still have a lot of work ahead of me on this front. I do feel like it is getting somewhat better though. It’s a good thing that you’ve identified this tendency so early on in the healing process, so you can at least be aware of it. You prove to us on a regular basis that you are not stupid, and in time, I am confident that you will be able to prove the same to yourself. I think somewhere in you already knows the truth, but there are so many complicated facets to our minds in healing from sexual assault, that sometimes lies are easier to believe than the truth. I am sorry that you are struggling so much to see yourself as the intelligent person you are. (((((Jaime)))))
“I think it comes down to me wanting the right circumstances so that I can feel as if I am not responsible for my ignorance, sort of like it is a handicap. I know it doesn't make any sense.”
ReplyDeleteIt makes a lot of sense. I think that’s how I went along with my misdiagnosis of bipolar for so long. I was told that being bipolar led to my irresponsible behavior, which ultimately led to my rape, and though I didn’t like the diagnosis (especially the medications!), it did give me an outlet to blame what had happened to me on a “handicap” of some sorts.
(((((Jaime))))) I wish more than anything that I could tell you this was all a bad, bad dream. You did not deserve any of this. He was a monster and one’s worst nightmare, and I am so sorry that you happened to come across him; it could have been anyone who fell into his trap. Your being manipulated by him had nothing to do with stupidity; it had to do with being normal and innocent. There was no way to anticipate that he was capable of such horrible cruelty. Although this experience cannot be erased, I look forward to the day when you can look back and see how far you’ve come and how many people you’ve helped along the way.
I wish you could too. Thanks for being able to understand.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you can relate to this but I am glad to know that I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your compliments.
You're welcome, and there are many more where those came from. Remember I have a pretty loud voice from afar ;-)
ReplyDelete