Question 1 of 10 (Therapy Assignment)

Self interview assignment question 1 of 10. Questions were submitted by my supporters through my blog and then approved by my therapist.

Question submitted by Author Unknown

Q: How did you see yourself before your assault, and how you see yourself now?

A: Before my assault I never really thought about how I see myself. I think I thought of myself like an average person who just wanted to go with the flow of life. I never really considered myself to be a pretty person or an ugly person. I do think I was a nice person and a fairly astute person.

After my assault much of my opinions of myself and others have changed. I am a far less trusting person of others and myself. I always think that there is some sort of motive behind people's actions even if they are nice or kind actions. I see myself as damaged and unworthy of happiness and wonder why anyone would want anything to do with me. Many times I am confused as to how someone can even bare the mental pain of even looking at me.

Some people think I am smart, wise for my years, attractive, insightful, brave, and inspirational, but I often think these people are nuts because I don't even come close to seeing myself in those ways. I see all the mistakes I made that night and how I was manipulated and I feel stupid and foolish. I hear people call me brave and I laugh on the inside because I know how messed up I am on the inside and I can't believe that people can't see the real me, the broken, tainted, and disgusting me that could never be an inspiration to anyone.

Sometimes, more often than not, I wake up literally hating myself. Sometimes the thought of my own perceived failures make me sick to my stomach. Many times I want to punish myself for my failures and for perceiving my life as a failure. I have punished myself before. Some people cut, but I punch or scratch myself. The scratches are always on a place that I can cover with clothes. Most of the time the bruises are hidden under clothes as well. Sometimes I have to use make up because I have hit myself in the face hard enough to swell and bruise.

Basically I see myself as highly messed up and to the point of no return. I still try to feel better but it isn't easy. I have lost most of my ambitions to become someone in life. The really funny part is I still have the same goals but the reasons behind the goals have changed. I now what to prove myself wrong and that I am not a failure, but I am secretly wanting to prove that I am a failure because I don't even realize that I am not a failure. I'm pretty sure there is some sort of psychological term for a self reinforcing delusion. Knowing that there is a term like that makes me see myself as a bigger failure because I fit the bill by merely writing this last paragraph.

I seem insane because one of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I try to heal and it doesn't work. I do this over and over and hope that one day there will be different results. That seems insane to me.