Self interview assignment question 3 of 10. Questions were submitted by my supporters through my blog and then approved by my therapist.
Question submitted by Wabs
Q: How does the relationship with your family (father, sister, nanna) feel now, then before this happened? Do you think your reaction if this had not happened be different to what it is now?
Q: "How does the relationship with your family (father, sister, nanna) feel now, then before this happened?"
A: My relationship with my family in some ways feels closer and further away at the same time. For example I know without a doubt that I can go to my family with anything now. I know that there's nothing that is so big hat I shouldn't go to them. Before I knew I could go to them but there was always a thought that some things are too big. We are closer in a lot of ways in terms of a supportive family structure but we also seem more separated in terms of emotional pain. They support me, but they don't really get what I am going through. They try to but it is impossible unless they have had a similar experience. I am glad they don't understand because it would kill me if they really understood.
Q: "Do you think your reaction if this had not happened be different to what it is now?"
A: Sure it would be different. My reactions toward someone else would be supportive but I wouldn't really understand what they were going through. If it were a stranger that this happened to and none of it would have happened to me, I would have felt bad for them and supported them but my thoughts would have moved from them not long after reading or hearing about what happened. I think a part of me would be asking the same question I ask myself. I would want to know why that person got into that van. I would be thinking to myself that she made a bad decision. I wouldn't blame her because it wouldn't be her fault but i would acknowledge to myself that this person could have made wiser choices. I think that's one reason why I am so hard on myself, because I am judging myself like I probably would judge someone who would be in my situation. Please don't misunderstand me, I would never blame the victim even if I had not been a victim myself. However if I had not been a victim I would have blindly made the assumption that I would have been too smart to fall victim to that kind of manipulation. Again, this is one reason why I am so hard on myself.
Jaime, you are doing great making it through these questions. How do you feel as you go through them? Has it been really tough? Or, has it been easier than you anticipated? Do you feel, at this point, that this exercise is going to be helpful?
ReplyDeleteI can relate to feeling "closer" to some people, but "more separated" at the same time. I feel like there are so many paradoxes that come along with sexual assault. I guess that's part of the challenge of processing an assault.
Like you know, I also struggle with judging myself similarly to how you described. I put myself in really stupid predicaments (i.e., being extremely intoxicated) even though I had heard of date rape - I think I just assumed that it wouldn't happen to me because I thought I surrounded myself by decent people and that there was no one I was around that would respect me so little (I hope that doesn't sound pompous). Anyway, I can relate to this struggle, but the truth is, we were just living our lives and someone decided to act selfishly (and in your case, completely and utterly cruelly in the worst ways possible).
There was no way for you to anticipate what was to come. I'm sure even your father, who warned you about getting into cars with guys you don't know well, would have never anticipated that a guy from your high school could have committed such atrocious acts toward you. And the truth is, this psycho could have strung you along for months under false pretenses that he was a decent guy and then have done the same thing when you thought you knew him better. People like your perpetrator are capable of all sorts of crazy manipulation.
I know it's hard to accept, but you are not at fault here. You are not to blame for what happened, and there is no way around the fact that you did not deserve any of this. You got into that car expecting a ride home and that's what you deserved - not the 23 hours in between. I'm so sorry that he lied and manipulated you.
Thinking of you always, Jaime. xx
Thank you for reading and for your encouragement.
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