Question 4 of 10 (Therapy Assignment)

Self interview assignment question 4 of 10. Questions were submitted by my supporters through my blog and then approved by my therapist.

Question Submitted by misfitspartan.

Q: In what ways has your attack strengthened or bettered you and your life?

A: Damn, this is a loaded question. I'm sort of at a loss as to where to start. I guess I will start with did my assault better my life. The simple answer is "NO", but if I examine my assault with hopeful eyes in terms of years from now I would have to say that my assault will better my life. I am a true believer in the phrase, "Knowledge is power." Although I trust less now than I use to, I am also less naive. I know bad things happen and that I am not immune to it. I always thought that things like this would never happen to me, it always happens to someone else. Now I know the truth and that truth is that anyone can become a victim at any time. I have also learned of numerous resources that I not only can use to help me but I can help others. I guess that sort of comes back to knowledge. So yes, my assault has bettered me because among the chaos, pain, mental despair, and heartache there is a possibility of a bright future for me driven by knowledge that I can share.

Has my attack strengthened my life? I think I am compelled to look at this question much the same way. In immediate terms I do not feel strengthened, I feel weakened and broken, but when I think about the possibilities of a brighter future years down the road I have to admit that my assault will strengthen me. I think there is some truth in the phrase, "What doesn't kill me. only makes me stronger." I believe with time and effort I will have the strength to help others in a more personal way. It will be a type of strength that I normally wouldn't have access to if I had not been a victim who became a survivor so that one day I can become a thrivor.

This question reminds me of a question that came up either on a support forum or a chat room. That question is (verbatim), "If you could give up the knowledge and strength you have gained and the knowledge and strength you will gain, would you choose to change the past."

At this point in time there is very little that I wouldn't do to change the past and make it so that none of this had never happened. In the future I might be less willing to give up any knowledge or strength I have gained. It is even possible that my life could be changed so much for the better that in time I could even refuse to change the past even if it were possible. I think a lot of it will depend on how much of an impact my future will have on my betterment and knowledge, and how well I am able to share that knowledge and betterment upon someone else who needs it. As of right now I have trouble imagining that I can heal and much less make a difference in other people's lives.