Self interview assignment question 2 of 10. Questions were submitted by my supporters through my blog and then approved by my therapist.
Question submitted by Author Unknown
Q: How do you think others saw you before your assault, and how do you think they see you now?
A: (before) I think others saw me as the typical teen girl just a little weird.
A: (after) Now I think people view me in different ways, it depends on who they are.
My Dad:
I think he views me with as much or more love than he did before my assault. He also thinks of me as more fragile. I am pretty sure that he has lost trust in me to make the right choices in life, after all I made the wrong choice to get into that guys van. I went against dad's wishes and took a ride with someone I didn't really know. Worse than anything, I think he sees me as a non-virgin.
My Little Sister:
I don't think her opinions have changed all that much except for one thing. I think she stopped viewing me as invincible.
My Extended Family: (cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents)
I think most of my extended family view me much the same way dad does. I am sure they are as dumbfounded as I am as to why I would get into his van. I'm sure they are wondering if I have some sort of mental deficiency that disallowed me to see the danger before my eyes. I think all of them think they would have seen the danger if it were them instead of me. I know for a fact that some of them look at me as broken. During Thanksgiving I overheard a family member (my grampa - mom's dad) tell his brother, "I don't think she (me) will have a normal life now."
My Friends:
I honestly think most of them think I am stupid.
My Online Support Friends:
I think most pity me and feel sorry for me so much that they have the need to lie to me and tell me that I am brave. I think most of them care deeply for me. I think a few of them think I am making all of this up and they are just itching for me to contradict myself or give enough information that they can use to prove me to be a fraud. I think many of my online support gets tired of supporting me and thinks to themselves that it is pointless. I think many of them get frustrated and would walk away and concentrate on their own healing if they thought I would be safe from myself.
are we allowed to comment?
ReplyDeleteIf I didn't want people to comment I would have closed comments. LOL
ReplyDelete(((((JAIME))))) I really appreciate and admire your honesty in answering these questions. You're doing great. I know it must be really hard. Hugs - many, many of them.
ReplyDeleteYes, Jaime, I do feel sorry for you because what that monster did to you was horrible, and you did not deserve it in the slightest. People make decisions all the time that are not ideal and go against their better judgment (e.g., getting a ride from someone at school) , but that is human nature. What he did to you was inhumane, and it is unfortunate that you were targeted in the mall that day.
I tell you all the time that you are brave because I truly consider you very brave. It really has absolutely NOTHING to do with my sympathy for you. You fought for yourself in the van that day to do what was necessary to keep yourself alive, and that makes you brave. You survived something so traumatic, and you are still fighting for yourself, and that makes you brave and inspiring. You faced your assailant in court and put him behind bars, and that makes you incredibly brave. Really, it makes you a hero.
I have never once doubted your story even though it's hard for me to fathom that someone could have been so cruel. I am sorry that you have had people doubt you, but I think I can speak for others in saying that you have many people who do believe you.
I am here for you because you are here for me. I value your friendship so much. Although my story is much less violent, you have only shown me compassion. You go out of your way to validate my feelings, and I am so grateful to you for that. Thank you for being there for me.
Jaime, you truly are beautiful on the inside and out. Keep at the healing process, and one day you will be able to see yourself for how you really are. I'm proud of you for tackling these very difficult questions.
P.S. And you give really good song recommendations - I have been rocking out to Eminem's song the past few days! :)
ReplyDeleteJaime you know my feelings about all of this as I was one of the first to talk to you on RYL. We even chatted on yahoo and I helped you with little things here and there with your first blog. I have never once doubted you and never will. I call you brave because even though you don't think so you are. Yes you got in that van but sweetie you felt safe with him at the time. All you knew was that he was a guy from your school who likes you and like I said you felt safe at the time. Yes there were red flags popping up from your story were you really could have just left with your friends but you chose to stay there and talk with him. You had no idea that he would turn into such a disgusting monster that he did. So anyways you are brave because even after all the disgusting vile things he did to you that you survived it all and are here today to talk about so openly on here. You are also brave to stand up in the courtroom to read what you wrote in front of so many before his sentencing. You are brave for trying to move on with your life by seeking therapy, where some including me won't do. Yes I went a few times but then just stopped. You are also brave for just getting up every morning , where most would be hiding in their room away from the world. Oh yes and more importantly you are brave for reporting this to the police. I wish I did a long time ago then none of the other stuff would have happened.
ReplyDeleteNow I want to let you know that I do not pity you, I know you are telling the truth because frankly I don't see how anyone could ever fake being assaulted like that. I will never ever get tired of supporting you and now that we are friends on facebook as well we can interact more. Yes I do struggle from time to time but everyone does. You have no idea how well just helping others helps in your recovery and when you post on here it helps me. It shows that I too can get through all I've been through. That I can start to move on with my life and I really need to do that as you can see from my posts on FB. So don't ever think that I will ever walk away from you. I will be here for you as a supporter, as a friend an or whatever you need. So just know that I will always be here for you and look forward to seeing you heal from all this.
P.S. That Eminem song is absolutely perfect for recovery and there's another one by Christina Aguilera called "Fighter" which I listen to a lot. I also listen to Breaking Benjamin "Dear Agony". For some reason that song really helps when I'm really down. I play it on repeat for hours.
Well said, Wabs.
ReplyDeleteThanks for not pitying me and for your support.
ReplyDeleteI still think I should have seen the signs.
ReplyDeleteThanks M.
ReplyDeleteJaime,
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here at work, reading this. I had to step away from my own healing for a little while, and that is the true excuse for my absence.
I think a lot about you, and I compare your feelings to those of my own child.
As a mother (a parent) I can tell you that your father wants to heal your pain and feels helpless that he cannot, he does see you more fragile than you were before, but that is because he as a parent has a constant desire to stand by your side and heal your every wound, the sad thing about sexual abuse is it is a wound that no one can heal. No matter how deep the desire.
Your sister- I can tell you what I have seen in my own children, my other children view 8 as STRONG beyond measure, so I do not think invincible would be too far out of grasp.
Your extended family- remember what you told me? Who cares how other people view you, and YOU WILL have a normal life now, you will just be more cautious of your surroundings, you are a fighter little girl, and with everything inside of me I know that you will be able to heal from this.
Your friends- If that is how they feel about you, then they were never your friends to begin with.
Your online friends- If there are people out there (which lets be honest, there are, this is the internet) that do not believe your story, and are waiting to call you out on things, then by all means- let them- that is their own ignorance.
The online people in your life that truly care about you do not see you as a "pity case" they see you as a survivor, someone who has went down to the depths of hell, touched the bottom, and while still trying to struggle her way to the top will eventually get there. Your online friends are proud of your progress and the ones who can "relate" to your story use your words as inspiration, ways of life, and tangible learning that could potentially help them in the situations that they face in their own lives.
Me- I see you as a 16 year old girl who has been plagued by the absolute unthinkable, I have accepted you into my life, I have noticed that you have even talked to my son (15) and I am so appreciative to have someone so smart to give him words of advice. (he is cute huh lol) I see your every word as a stepping stone, your thoughts, your daily struggles are all things that my OWN child may someday encounter, and I am able to see briefly into the future of my OWN child's life through your story.
In the same hand if I met you on the street, I would probably find a profoundly intelligent girl, maybe lost in a whirlwind of her own feelings, probably hidden by a curtain of make up that she uses to make herself feel more beautiful, or to allow her to fit in better, even though she is beautiful underneath it all, and after some conversation I would probably learn that you are wise beyond your years, beautiful on both the outside and the inside, and be happy that I had met you.
I wish you could even guess the power behind your stories, and how they help me to deal with things in my own life, I wish just like your father, that I could reach out and scoop you up, hug all of the things in your life away that haunt you, remove the wounds that plague you and make your life renewed again.
I don't know if my comments are pos
ReplyDeleteThey are positive.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are saying, it's just really easy to get discouraged.
ReplyDeleteHe is kinda cute!
lol I meant posting......they are not posting under what I want them to, but oh well I suppose.
ReplyDeleteMy commenting system is a bit different than the usual blogger style commenting system. This commenting system is "threaded" which basically means that there is a hierarchy of comments. Each comment has a reply button and a like button, while each post has a main like button and comment button. The main comment box is above all the comments but bellow the post. Each new main comment starts a new comment thread. Each reply to a comment adds an additional layer to that threads hierarchy. I hope that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteI had to have a different commenting system than the normal pre-installed commenting system because I am different. LOL
I just wanted them to post under Author Unknown and not my real name lol......you dont have to post this one, just to let you know what I meant =)
ReplyDeleteI disabled anonymous comments and depending on the way you signed in before it may have something to do with it.
ReplyDelete