Part 9 - What Happened To Me - (Question - What was the worse thing he did to you?)

This is a part of my story of what happened to me that I have kept pushing off further and further. I'm not sure if I had been pushing it off in an attempt to avoid it or if it was because I thought I had a lifetime to address it. Either way it feels like I might be running out of time, but then again we are all running out of time I guess.

Back in December 2011 my therapist gave me a list of questions that I could answer and give back to her or keep to myself. I answered these questions then posted them on my blog in a post entitled "A Self Interview" and gave the answers to my therapist.

At the time I did this self interview there was one question I couldn't yet answer and I am ready to answer that question. Here is the question.

Question - What was the worse thing he did to you?
Answer - I can't talk about that for legal reasons but I do need to talk about it. There's more going on then I can talk about. Sorry that I can't answer it.

There were two other girls before me who came forward after I filed charges against him. The worse thing he did to me was at the time believed to possibly be a trademark of his. They wanted to find out if anyone else including the two other girls said he did the same thing to them.

(Trigger Warning)

At this point in my story I had been held against my will in his van for about 20 hours. I was beyond tired, and beyond ready to die. I remember praying to God that he would take me away from this place. I wished for death. I had been raped and beaten so many times I had become almost catatonic. I sat there on the floor of his van with my left arm resting on my lap with it being supported by my other arm. No more than an hour earlier he had broken my left arm while he orally raped me. It seems like he wanted to cause me as much pain as possible. As if being raped over and over, beaten over and over, and having my arm broken while being orally raped wasn't bad enough; he decided to hurt me in probably the worse way he could imagine with his tiny, selfish and hateful mind.

He pushed me onto my back, held my right arm to the floor by kneeling on my forearm while straddling my thighs. At first I didn't know what he was getting ready to do. I mean how could I imagine someone could be so evil. It wasn't until I heard his pocket knife flip open that I prepared myself to be killed. I closed my eyes and asked God to make it quick. As I lay there waiting for to be stabbed in the chest or have my throat cut, I felt this sudden blinding pain that took my breath away. A pain so intense I felt like I was on fire. It wasn't until I felt what I thought was urine running between my legs that I realized he hadn't tried to kill me. A Part of me was disappointed. He stood up and said, "Now the only orgasm you will ever have will be the one I forced you to have".

I heard the words as they scarred my soul like a hot branding iron, but I didn't understand what he meant. I kept trying to stop myself from peeing but I kept feeling it trickle between my legs. For some reason I reached down there and then looked at my damp hand but it wasn't urine; it was blood. His depravity actually allowed him to cut a piece of me off of myself. It suddenly became clear what he meant by what he said. He tried to cut my clitorous off.

Later he pushed me face down on the floor and used the same pocket knife to cut chunks of my hair off my head. He cut 80% of my hair off. Then he drove the van to another location, opened the side door and then pushed me out while saying the words, "Thank you bitch, I had a great time".

Later at the hospital I had to get several stitches down there (both front and back) plus over my left eye and lower lip.

Sometimes I feel like I am not really a woman, I'm not really anything. I don't feel complete anymore.

I cannot write anymore tonight.