Thursday, July 31, 2014
I Did It Again
It is official, I am not worth being friends with. For the umpteenth time in just under 3 years I have chased off people who care about me. I'm not sure why I do this. Am I trying to chase them off before I hurt them more, or am I trying to hurt them in some convoluted and twisted way in an attempt to get back at the world for what the world did to me. Either way, I'm not worth being friends with.
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Neither... You aren't trying to chase them off to protect them and you aren't trying to punish them for what happened to you.
ReplyDeleteWhat is going on here is what is called a "self-reinforcing delusion".
You have suffered a great deal of pain and emotional self-blame as a result of the things you have written about in your blog. In many ways you feel hopeless and in many ways you believe you aren't worthy of love and caring others are willing to give you. More than that, you fear ACCEPTING the fact that you don't want to escape from this torment you are keeping yourself mired in.
The moment you let yourself escape from this mental prison, is the moment you have to start trusting others and trusting yourself. Trusting yourself is the hardest part about moving on from the trauma you have endured. Although you are wise enough, smart enough and very capable of trusting your decisions, you still have not accepted that you are ready to do so. As a result you unknowingly(but purposefully) make choices to push people away so that you can stay mired in the torment you are in. In many ways I think you have accepted that this type of torment is safer than opening your world and your heart up to others.
You believe you aren't worth being friends with and you reinforce that delusion by pushing people away.
Sometimes you simply need to take a chance and fight through the fear.
I know it isn't easy, but you are clearly a survivor. You can survive this too...