Well some of you may have noticed that I have taken more than a week off from writing on my blog. I did that so that I could have some time to reflect on me and the person I am on the inside. That may sound a little weird but with all of the court stuff that was going on over the last several months I have had very little time to just examine myself and my emotions. I was understandably captivated with court and so forth. Now that court is over I have very little legal distractions from my emotions and it is a surreal feeling to now be placing most of my healing energy toward healing. Before December 20th it was all about making sure that my assailant went to prison but now it's just me and my emotions and memories.
The regular readers of my blog know that I have been having thoughts of suicide because of all of these emotions that seemed to have crashed in on me after he was sentenced. Well, I want people to know that although the suicidal thoughts are not 100% gone I have come to understand that I really do not want to die. I just want to feel better.
Over the last week and a half I have been sorting out my understanding of my own emotions. That understanding isn't easy to describe in writing but I am working on it. I was recently given the green light by the investigator in charge and the prosecutor that I can talk about anything that happened to me on my blog. I'm still not sure if I am ready to talk about the worse thing he did to me. It feels like if I admit or reveal what the worse thing he did to me was it will be me admitting and revealing that I am now a freak. At a later time perhaps, I just can't talk about it right now. I tried to talk about it in therapy last Thursday and again this Monday but I just couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth. I will try again tomorrow when I go to therapy since I am going twice a week now.
Anyway, I really don't have a whole lot to talk about in this post but I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still keeping, on keeping on. I am still trying to heal and I will it's just going to take time. The problem is I artificially convinced myself that I would be all better once he was sentenced, but I know that's not the case in reality. Honestly that's something I always knew but I tried to ignore it. I am ready to traverse these dark roads as long as I can see some light ahead of me. I see a faint light in the distance, but with my short legs it's going to take a while to get there.
You are not a freak. Wounded and hurting, yes! Focusing on the healing is painful. You have strength beyond measure. Remember that! Sending all my love your way.
ReplyDelete@Angela, I agree 100%. Jaime, No matter what HE DID to you, YOU will never be a freak. He is a disgusting, inhumane individual - a FREAK, if you will - but not you, never ever ever. No matter what the worse thing was. {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for dedicating yourself to the painful healing process. Keep following that light, and over time it will get brighter and brighter. You can do this!!! xxxx
Jaime like Angela and M_M9 both said you are not a freak and I totally agree. Whatever he did to you makes him the freak. He's the disgusting creature who did all those things to you. I remember our chats a while back where you would talk about some things that he did and all I could think about was omg will she ever be able to get passed all this. Well my answer is yes and like you said it will take some time. I have been able to get passed mine especially from my past but the ones that are recent will take some time to heal. You know I have an anniversary if you want to call it that coming up next week but I know I will be able to get passed that day too. Just keep fighting and doing what you have been doing. Oh and if you need any help getting closer to that light you know I'm always here for you. ((((Massive safe hugs))))
ReplyDeleteWhat is and what feels are two different things. Thanks for telling me that I'm not a freak but you don't know what he did. Thanks for the love.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hugs and I hope your anniversary isn't too hard on you. (((hug)))
ReplyDeleteYour welcome and there's more where they came from. Tbh I really hope it doesn't come at all and it should be called something than anniversary. Hmmm maybe the night from hell sounds better. Anyways I'm always here for you so whatever you need come find me oh and I'm back on AS again.
ReplyDelete{{{Hugs, Hugs, Hugs, and some more HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteStopping by to leave some more hugs
ReplyDelete((((( HUGS ))))) ((((( HUGS ))))) ((((( HUGS ))))) ((((( HUGS )))))
And some hugs for you, Kathleen :) Wishing you the best over the "anniversary."
ReplyDeleteI'm uber glad to see you post, I was getting worried..
ReplyDeleteYou're not a freak. Really, you aren't.. What happened to you, the whole thing, does not make you a freak.. With time, healing, growing and learning, you'll see this.. Theres some fucked up freaky people out there. You're not one of them..
Thanks for the hugs. Here's some in return.
ReplyDeleteBig ups to you J, good on you for doing the brave thing and facing stuff.
ReplyDeleteGood to see your sense of humour is still peeking through shorty :) il write more later just wanted to check how ur doing.
Your not a freak and il explain how thats impossible later when i can gather my thoughts better, on day two of quitting cigs. I can take a guess at what he did coz iv seen some bad shit but that still makes him the freak and you the survivor coz you did what you had to to survive.
Hugs to you Jaime girl.
Thank you. I do have really short legs.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there are some messed up people out there.
ReplyDeleteI gave you five months for a follow-up, but I am getting a bit anxious. Just saying. LOLO
ReplyDelete