I have been feeling really angry lately. I don't mean a little upset I mean ANGRY. I feel as if I am looking for things to be angry about. Although I do feel justified in my anger I hate that I have anger in me. An angry person isn't the type of person I want to be. Let me explain just how angry I am. If you are a very sensitive person or someone who is unable to just view my rant as an expression of anger instead of a threat of violence then you probably shouldn't read any further.
Begin Angry Rant -Trigger Warning-
I look back at all the things my assailant did to me and I am furious. I am disappointed in myself for being so easily tricked, but I am beyond angry with him. There are many times that I want retribution for what he did to me. Scratch that, I want revenge, retribution is what I am getting by him being in prison. It isn't enough. I want to hurt him the way he hurt me. I want him to feel the same pain he made me feel. I want to tie him up in helpless ways and shove things into him until his flesh is torn. I want him to cry out for help that never will come. I want to see tears fall down his face and hear his teeth grind in pain so hard that he breaks his own teeth. I want to use a belt and beat him with the buckle end of it until he is bleeding and scarred. I want to have the strength to twist his arm up behind his shoulder blade and keep twisting on it as he cries and until it cracks as the upper part of his arm snaps. I want to use a pocket knife to cut him down their. After he has given up fighting I want to beat him, piss on him, shit on him, and then kick him out onto the middle of the street naked and broken. Scratch that, this is my fantasy, I want him to die in this fantasy. I want to march him to the landfill and put bullets through his head and let his body be eaten by the crows. I like to feed birds.
End Angry Rant -Trigger Warning-
I don't want to be this angry. I don't want to have such awful thoughts about hurting someone even if they deserve it. I feel like I am losing my mind and I feel like I am turning into a person I don't want to be. I don't want to be evil or have evil thoughts. These thoughts of hurting him scare me. They scare me because they comfort me. That's messed up. I am insane, I really believe it.
You are absolutely not insane! Everything that you have said is normal and understandable. Did you see the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo....? I am sending you love and respect!
ReplyDeleteThanks Eve, deep down inside I think I know I'm not crazy too, but.... you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen that movie. I have too much anxiety to be around crowds. Thanks for the love and respect.
Go you, Jaime!!!! You got over the writer's block, and you let out a lot here. GO YOU!!! I am so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI know these thoughts make you feel crazy and like a bad person, but you're not.
"I feel like I am losing my mind and I feel like I am turning into a person I don't want to be. I don't want to be evil or have evil thoughts."
You can have these thoughts, you are ENTITLED to these feelings - it doesn't mean that you are evil. It means that you are normal. I really believe that the more you express these thoughts and feelings, the less they will define you. Get them out of you - release them, vent them, whatever is necessary. If we hold this negativity in our minds and keep it to ourselves, over time we become it. You are on the right path, Jaime. It's so difficult, but please keep it up at your own pace. It's such a great thing that you did by venting all of this anger and frustration.
You are not evil. HE WAS EVIL. You are normal for wanting revenge. HE was not normal for wanting to do these things to you. You are a wonderful person, and you are so strong.
I read something recently from Harriet Lerner's "The Dance of Anger": "the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self." Jaime, the mere fact that you have so much anger is proof that you are not broken - HE HAS NOT WON. Your sense of self was rocked to hell and back, but it is fighting its way back.
Again, I am so proud of you for venting so much anger and frustration. Sending you a monsoon of hugs!!!!
P.S. I'm angry as hell at him, too!!! GRRRRRRRR
ReplyDeleteJaime I know you've heard it before but I'm proud of you. No you are definitely not insane. What you are feeling sweetie is perfectly normal and it shows that you are in the healing process. Even your worst thought of what should be done to him is never enough. I too wanted mine to experience everything he did to me and so much more. I even wanted to take his lifeless body on a helicopter and kick him out of it and yes of course let the birds and animals feed on his lifeless body. But instead my guy took the cowards way out and hired two guys to beat him to death. He deserved so much more and now won't. In time Jaime this will pass and your anger will subside. It's just like the 5 stages of grief. You have come so far from that day. Just take each day as it comes. Remember offer still stands if you ever need to talk. I had to delete my other email account as someone hacked it but if you need me PM me in AS (if you are still on there) and I'll give you my new address or I still have my yahoo account.
ReplyDeleteAs for that movie that was suggested if you can't handle crowds you can watch it online for free. Try tubeplus.me or 1channel.ch.
((((((((( HHHHHHHUUUUUUUGGGGGGGSSSSSSS ))))))))))
Thank you Kathy
ReplyDeleteThank you too M
ReplyDelete(((((Jaime))))) stopping in to drop off more hugs :)
ReplyDeleteHehehe YOU GO GIRL now thats what we like to hear. yeah we know it sucks and it hurts being that angry but with what you have been thru we'd get worried if you didn't get angry because that is human. As rough as it feels this is actually good because it means your moving forward thru your grief, anger is a big part of grief. You will eventually come out the other side. And your not insane you would be insane if you didn't want this sick fuck to suffer. I bet even your counsellor (who is supposed to be sane surely right) wants this shithead to suffer at least a bit, let alone you who is closest to the pain.
ReplyDeletePunching bag maybe? :)
Big hugs and good calming vibes being sent your way Jaime.
Laura
I don't know how I let your reply go unanswered for a month.
ReplyDeleteDad bought us a punching bag that we have hanging in the basement and we both beat on it. I do a little more than he does. Dad and I have also signed up for Krav Maga fighting class. It's like martial arts but the specific style used by Israel assassins. This coming Monday will be our second class. That works good for blowing off some steam.