Uncontrolled Irrational Fear

I have never felt so fearful and so out of control before in what would normally be safe. I don't know how to deal with this fear. Ever since he hurt me I have been afraid to go anywhere. I have missed so much school that I know my grades are going to be affected. Luckily for me my teachers, principal, and especially my dad are very understanding.

All my friends and several others know what happened to me. That's a good thing because it prevents many of the questions I know people have. The most obvious question is about my appearance. One thing in particular that I haven't really talked about all that much is my hair. Yes you heard that right, my hair. Among the many acts of violence, insults, and disgusting things he did to me, there is one that I have trouble hiding. Not because it was violent and left bruises, but because I look so much different now. One of the last things he did to me is bazaar. I don't know why he did it, as far as I know he hasn't told the investigators why he did it. I have my own personal theories of why he did it but I'm not going to get into that. 

Right before he was finished with me. Right before he dropped me off at the end of my driveway, he used his pocket knife to cut my hair off. I don't mean he shaved it off. It was more like he cut it off in chunks. Some of it was untouched (very little), and some of it was cut within a few inches of my scalp. It looked like someone gave Dennis The Menace some really dull scissors and told him to give me a haircut. It took me three years to grow my hair out as long as I had it, and it took this guy a couple minutes to ruin it. Before we go any further, I don't want people to think I am crying over my hair. I know may hair will grow back. 

One of the reasons why I have missed so much school lately is because I don't feel like me anymore. I don’t feel normal in my own skin anymore. I literally feel like I am wearing an ugly costume that I can't take off. I feel like when I go out into public people will see the costume and they won't see me. I try my best to hide my injuries. I wear long sleeve shirts that have baggy enough sleeves so that I can cover up the cast on my arm. I wear hats to disguise my hair. My really close friends and family know that he cut my hair, and they understand why I am wearing a hat all the time. It's really not that unusual for me to wear hats, I have dozens of them.

This morning at school while waiting for the bell to ring to let us know it was time to go to homeroom, there was a student that was arguing with a teacher. This girl was wearing a hat and a teacher told her that hats are against the dress code and that she needed to take it off. They argued back and forth and the girl kept looking at me. Why was she looking at me? I wasn't involved in this argument; I was minding my own business. She told that teacher that she wasn't going to take her hat off because others in the school are wearing hats and it's not fair to make her take off her hat but not anyone else. To make a long story short she told that teacher that I was wearing a hat and that she wasn't going to take hers off if I was still wearing mine. This girl is unfamiliar with what happened to me so I don't blame her for bringing me into her argument. The teacher told her again to take her hat off, and she finally did. Then the teacher walked over to me and told me to take my hat off. Apparently he didn't get the memo. The principal out of kindness and understanding had given me permission to wear a hat for a few months until my hair had grown out a little and could be evenly cut. I politely told him that I don't have to. We went back and forth about it, and the entire time he was towering over me. Finally my math teacher who is familiar with what happened saw or heard what was going on. She walked up to the other teacher and whispered in his ear. I don't know what she told him, but he nodded his head and walked away. My math teacher smiled at me and then also walked away.

The other student who had to take her hat off began to run her mouth. She was complaining that I wasn't made to take my hat off. She kept on and on and wouldn't let it go. Finally one of my girlfriends told her to mind her own business. The whole time this girl was yelling and asking, "Why does she (meaning me) think she's so special"? It all turned into some really stupid BS.

The bell finally rang and I quickly began to weave through the crowd and head toward my homeroom class. I was glad that it was over with. Suddenly I felt my hat being pulled off from behind. There I was in the middle of the hallway surrounded by all these people who were staring at my messed up hair and most of them were laughing. I heard things like, "What the F#&K happened to your hair? Why would you cut your hair like that? Did you lose a fight with a lawnmower? I think she done got the mange".

I understand how meaningless insults are in the long term, but I'm just not at a place right now to deal with stuff like that. I was crying and shaking while trying my best to cover my head with my hands. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran for the nearest exit and ran outside. My best friend walked out behind me and sat down next to me. Our conversation was rather personal so I will simply say she tried to console me through empathy. She ended up missing homeroom because she stayed to talk with me. (Thank you my friend) 

I continued to sit out there even after my friend had to go on to glass. Ever once in a while another student would walk in or out of the building and pretend they didn't see me out there crying with my messed up hair exposed. I guess I was out there for most of first period before my school counselor realized I was outside. He walked out there and he apparently heard what happened. I didn't ask how he knew, but I think it's safe to say that my friend out of concern for me told the counselor. He handed me my hat (I don't know where he found it) and told me that I couldn't stay out there all day. He told me to put my hat on and don't worry about wearing it in school because he will take care of the problem. I gladly put my hat back on and then reluctantly went back into the school building. I went to the restroom before returning to class because I wasn't ready to walk into class and have sixty eyes stare at me. Besides there was only a few minutes left of first period.

At the beginning of last period the principal began to make an announcement over the intercom. Everyone was given permission to wear hats until spring gets here. They played it all off as if giving permission to wear hats was a winter and staying warm thing, but I knew it was for me and to prevent another misunderstanding. It was a bad day to say the least.

I don't consider myself to be shallow or vain. I don't think this fear was about my hair in the sense of someone thinking I am unattractive. I don't think these fears are about my hair. I think it's about how vulnerable I feel now. I have always been a highly confident person but now all of that confidence seems to have vanished. I DON'T FEEL LIKE ME, and I want to feel like me again. I want to get out of bed in the morning without first reaching for a hat to put on. I want to walk outside without every shadow, sound, movement, and voice sending me into an uncontrolled irrational fear. I just want to be me again, is that too much to expect?

Trusting You With My Pain

I think we all want to be able to trust the people in our lives, especially our family and friends. We are born having trust in our protectors (usually our parents), but sometimes things happen to us that tramples on our ability to trust. Sometimes it's being lied to, stolen from, mistreated, neglected, or abused that dissolves our trust in others. When our trust in others is damaged, we often began to lose faith or trust in ourselves to let the right people into our lives. I guess we assume that if we made the mistake of trusting someone because they hurt us, we worry that we are doomed to make those same mistakes again.

Like most people, I didn't wake up one morning wondering if today was going to be the day I make a mistake in trusting a guy just to then have him take advantage of my trust and rape me. I never thought it would happen to me. It was far from my mind. I honestly trusted my own intuition that I could be able to know when someone had those dangerous thoughts about me. I was wrong.

Since I was raped I seem to view things differently. I often read between the lines and think more is being said then what was intended. For example: Recently I was on a support forum and another poster commented me by saying to me, "...You are really advanced in my psychological state". When I first read that my initial impression was that this person viewed me as weird. I sort of snapped at them and asked them (verbatim), "What psychological state am I suppose to be in? If I hide my pain, I need to open up more. If I am really open, I am an attention seeker. What psychological state am I suppose to be in"? Later I found out that they meant that I had a good understanding of myself and what I was going through. I apologized to them.

Before I was raped I never would have snapped at someone like that. I always assumed someone was being nice and often misunderstood meanness for playful sarcasm. Now it's different. I first assume the worse and have to convince myself that they are being nice or that what they are saying is a compliment. I am beginning to wonder why my perception of those around me has changed. On the surface it is obvious that I trust less because I was raped, but I think it goes deeper than that.

One of the most common emotions expressed by victims of abuse rather it be physical, sexual, emotional, or any combination thereof is guilt. We are told over and over until our ears bleed that the guilt we are feeling is irrational. Sure it's irrational, we all know how irrational it is. As a loved one of a victim we know it's irrational, and as victims we also know guilt is irrational. Still we all seem to all be in various stages of guilt.

I feel guilty for what happened to me. I can look back on it now and see several things that I could have done differently that might have prevented what happened. I can see all these mistakes, all these things I did wrong, and I am angry with myself for allowing it to happen. I irrationally ask myself questions like. Why did I let myself be tricked by a guy? Why did I let myself be played like a fool by someone who was a D student and has failed a grade before? Why did I get into his van? Why did I trust him when I didn't really know him?

Being so easily tricked and fooled makes me question my own ability to judge and reason. Now I have a burdening guilt that tells me I am unable to trust myself. I am constantly questioning my own decisions and I am afraid I am going to continue to make bad choices that lead to me getting hurt, and further pain for my friends and family. I again know how irrational that is.

We are told that being open about our pain, emotions, and abuse is what will lead to peace. We want that to be true, we want to trust in that so that we can heal. The problem is that opening up to others requires trust, and when opening up requires a very personal sharing of pain, feelings, and events, we feel so vulnerable to judgment. We feel naked and exposed, unable to protect ourselves.

Trust is such a valuable thing that many take for granted. We can take trust in others and ourselves for granted. I took my trust in myself for granted by assuming that I was too smart to be taken advantage of, to be manipulated, and tricked. Now my trust in myself resides in the opposite spectrum. I'm no longer over trusting, but under trusting. I need to get back to a point where I trust myself and then I think trusting others will be easier. The question is how do we learn to trust ourselves more so that we can give ourselves the opportunity to trust others again?

I imagine there's a plethora of ideas, writings, and theories on how this is accomplished. I TRUST that my theory will be simply another opinionated idea.

First, I think we need to make a promise to ourselves that we want to feel better and willing to dance in the fire of our own emotional pain to get it done.

Second, we need to be willing to at least try and trust others by letting them in a little at a time. We don't have to lower the drawbridge to our emotions hidden inside the protection of our castle, but we do need to open the window shutters up so people can peek in. As we become more comfortable with people peeking in through the windows of this proverbial castle, we can then let the door to the drawbridge down a little more. Each time we let another in just a little bit and our trust isn't taken advantage of, we gain the strength to trust more. More than that we gain trust in ourselves.

Third, we need to learn to realize that some violations of trust can be healed from right away, while others will take a significant amount of time. Some trust issues will never be fixed completely. Instead we will have to be a maintenance worker on our own personal highway of trust. In 1941 the US Federal government past legislation to create the federal interstate system. 70 years later it still isn't finished. The reason why is because as the country's population grow, the need for commerce and transportation grows. So the interstate system is constantly being expanded. Also as the years pass wear and tear needs to be fixed. Sometimes entire sections need to be replaced. I think human emotions and trust is similar in the way that it is in a constant state of wear and repair.

If we ignore our pain, lack of trust in ourselves, and others, we will become a road unfit for travel. We have to be both the foreman and the workers of our own emotional interstate system. We have to take charge of the repairs that need to be made, and be willing to get in the mud and dirt with others who are trying to help us and work with them. If we don't, we will find that one day our highway that leads to TRUST is so far beyond repair that it seemingly becomes impossible to get there. Early inspection and repair of damage is the key to keeping our emotional highway of trust from falling apart.

I am Trusting You With My Pain in hope that I will begin to trust my own decisions and intuition. If I can't trust myself, then trust in others is voided out.

Six Degrees Of Chaotic Connection

While I was at school today in my math class the teacher began to discuss something called the Chaos Theory. In short, it's a theory involving mathematics, physics, economics, philosophy, and biology that states that every action no matter how small affects everything else in the world. Sort of like if the world was a pond and the action was to toss a small pebble into the pond, there would be an ever expanding outward ripple from that action that eventually will affect everything in the pond even if it is such a small effect that it goes unnoticed.

This made me think of another theory that I have previously heard of called Six Degrees Of Separation. This theory states that as the world becomes more connected through social networks, clubs, organization, and individual personal connections, we are on average only six introductions from any other person in the world. Basically a person anywhere in the world can be introduced to any other person in the world by six levels of mutual friends or connections.  An example would be - A friend of a friend of a family member who is a member of this club has a co-worker who knows him or her.

These two theories made me think of the long term outward ripples from the actions of the guy who raped me. Not only is my life forever changed but his is ruined, and everyone I have in my life is in some way, even if so small they don't notice, also affected. Everyone is his life will also be affected. Even Great Clips and it's employees where I get my haircut is affected because the guy who hurt me also for some unknown reason cut my hair off and made me a Justin Bieber look-alike. I have a baby in my belly now who will live a life of their own and affect countless others, and the ripples in the pond continue on and on throughout time.

Suddenly I realized how interchanged these two theories are. His actions affected my human connections rather it be personal or organized for the rest of my life. Those ever changing lines of connections that connect one person to another has been rewritten and in a sense grouped and organized differently causing further and further chaotic and ever changing lives for people I will never know exists.

At first I was a little saddened by this because I thought to myself, "Wow, I hate that he has that much power. I hate that his actions can change so many people, things, and events".

As I thought about this, I began to cry in the middle of the classroom. I had tears dancing along the edge of my bottom eyelid keeping step with a drum beat my lip was beginning to produce.

My math teacher who is aware of what happened to me was walking around the classroom peeking over our shoulders at our assignments. She knew I was struggling to hold back tears and she placed her hand on the back of my neck and shoulder to silently console me. Her simple action made me feel better.

We seldom stop to think about how such a small gesture like saying hi to a stranger, complimenting a friend, or giving a hug and a pat on the back to someone who is hurting has the ability to affect someone's life.  We need to realize if a small pebble thrown into a pond can create outward ripples that affect the entire pond, it is equally effective in a positive way when our tiny actions of kindness create the same outward ripple within the Six Degrees Of Chaotic Connection in each and every human life. When we show kindness to another person, they are far more likely to show kindness to others in a continuous outward expanding ripple. So now I ask myself, "Jaime, do you want to sit idle and let his negative actions affect your life in a negative way, or do you want to absorb the negative and create a catalysts for an outward expansion of positive ripples that will eventually affect the world"? Even if those changes are so small that they aren't perceived by someone separated from me by Six Degrees Of Separation, they would still outwardly charge in a ripple and create a change for the good of people I will never meet.

Introducing A Blog That I Often Read (Finding Your Voice Of Truth)

I would like to suggest a blog to anyone who has been a victim of abuse. Finding Your Voice Of Truth is a blog written by a Life Coach, Writer, Truth Teller, Healing Catalyst, Group and Retreat Facilitator, Novice Art Journaler, Business Goddess, , Blogger, Aspiring Screenwriter, Mother, Animal Lover, Wannabe Vegan, and a survivor of childhood abuse named Stephanie Gagos.

I often read this blog for advice and coping techniques. Last night I read the following short blog post on her blog.

The Scream Inside There is a scream inside, one that is waiting to be expelled, waiting to have its day. Life can hit us hard at times. Emotions get stirred up, rumbling inside us without the having the opportunity to discharge.

Pent up rage, fear, grief, swirling endlessly as we make our way through the world with smiles on our faces.

Let go of the scream. Go in your car and scream, lock yourself in a room, do it when no one is home, scream into a pillow several times, go into nature. Find a way to give your scream the privacy it needs to come into being.

Let the sound of your own pain have a voice. Honor the scream inside. You do not have to be silent anymore.

This morning when I finally had the house to myself I let my scream be expelled. I did this in hope of getting rid of stress, clearing my mind, and expressing emotion. I grabbed a pillow off my bed and then went into a closet in the hallway so that my screams wouldn't be noticeable by neighbors. One of the last things I want is a neighbor hearing me scream and calling the police. It would make an interesting story though.

At first I wasn't screaming, I was ranting. I was for a lack of a better word bitching about my mom no longer being alive to help me through this difficult time. I began to complain out loud about the guy who hurt me and how messed up I feel because of him. Before I knew it I was crying and my rants had turned into angry screeches. I yelled some of the worst unladylike words and nearly all of them were directed toward the monster who hurt me. I'm not sure how long the screams lasted.

At one point my angry screams changed to something else. Something I can only describe as pain. My screams morphed into an unintelligible gibberish. My knees shook so bad that I could no longer stand on my feet. I rolled onto my side and curled up into a ball. I had all these images, sensations, and horribly painful body memories surround me. In all honesty it was the first time I truly cried after my rape. I don't mean I haven't had tears fall from my eyes before this morning. There's a huge difference between a few tears and an uncontrolled outward flow of emotions. Again I have no idea how long I lay on my side.

Somewhere along the line my cries stopped and I sat up against the wall of the inside of the closet, while resting my head against the pillow. I fell asleep, and it was a peaceful sleep. It was the most peaceful sleep I have had since September 1st, 2011 which was the night before he hurt me. I feel pretty good right now. Not only physically but emotionally as well.

I don't know if this is something that will help anyone else who tries this. I can only attest to it's benefit to me. 

I officially want to thank Stephanie G from Finding Your Voice Of Truth for so freely providing a blog filled with such useful articles. 

Trying To Gain The Courage To Let My Voice Be Heard In Court

I posted this earlier and then a few hours later took it down because I was worried about people copying this image or triggering people with this image. Mostly I think I was scared. I'm okay now. I have figured out how to disable right click so that people can't save this image. Plus I added an extra caution mouseover function to initially hide the image in an effort to prevent people from accidentally viewing it. Some people might think this post is weird and especially being the image, but this blog and this post is for me. This post is to help make me less frightened to share this personal stuff so that I will hopefully have the resolve to speak out in court. I hope people don't object to this.

The prosecutor of my rape case has made all the evidence they have against him, all of my statements, and injury photos available to me so that I can look over it just incase I remember some events that I had previously left out. I was also told that looking over this stuff may help me know what to say if I choose to make a statement to the court before his sentencing. His sentencing is still a long ways off, but if I want to have the courage to speak in court I need to start thinking about this stuff now.

I have spent several weird and painful hours looking through this stuff trying to figure out what I am going to say to the court. It surprises me how much detail I remember now that I either couldn't recall immediately after all of this happened or simply couldn't bring myself to talk about. I have decided to start working on two separate statements. One statement for if he pleads guilty, and the other for if he retracts his confession, pleading innocent and then is found guilty. It is my understanding according to our family lawyer that I will have the opportunity to give my statement to the court in written form or verbal. I am going to try my best to give it verbally because I think it will help me heal by overcoming my obvious fear to face this guy again. Either way I plan on reading a statement that I have pre-written. As of right now there's every indication that this guy is going to plead guilty so I am first concentrating on the statement if he pleads guilty.

The following is what I am thinking of saying to the court.

.....When asked if I wanted to make a statement to the court I honestly didn't know what to say. I debated with myself rather or not I would be able to speak in front of a room of strangers and if I would be able to let my voice be heard in front of the person who hurt me. Part of me wanted to shut-down and simply be a silent listener who was sitting idle in the back of the courtroom partially hiding behind my dad so that I would feel safe. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I would spend a lifetime being disappointed in myself if I didn't speak up.

I never thought I would be a victim of rape. I don't think anyone thinks they'll be a victim of rape. When something as awful as rape happens and we hear about it, we often have this voice in the back of our mind that tells us that it will never happen to me. I had that voice. It's a harsh reality to accept, but I was raped, sodomized, and beaten repeatedly by (assailants name).

Not only did I receive a broken arm, cuts, bruises, tears, and internal damage that required surgery to repair, but I was also impregnated. On top of all the physical injuries, I also have emotional injuries that I will continue to heal from long after my body's injuries have healed. This is something that will affect me for the rest of my life. (Assailants name) took something from me during those twenty three hours he kept me captive in his van where he could rape and beat me at his leisure. It's more than my virginity or my body. It's my peace of mind, comfort, and sense of security. It's a first sexual experience that I always hoped would be tender and beautiful. No longer will I only view sex as a beautiful sharing between two lovers. I will always have the memory of me being raped and the chance of the emotional pain resurfacing during a future relationship.

I have spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out how to deal with the emotional damage his assault has caused me. In all honesty I have had a difficult time calling what he did to me rape. I have said he hurt me, assaulted me, and other terms to describe what he did to me. The reason why is because rape is such a horrible thing. In many ways I guess I was afraid of the word rape nearly as much as I was afraid to be in his van. I want the court to know, but mostly I want (assailants name) to know that I am not afraid of the word rape anymore, nor am I afraid of him.

I come before you urging this court to pass fair sentence on the defendant. I honestly do not know what would be a fair punishment. I could never be impartial because I am far too vested in his punishment. As a result I will not hint as to what I feel is a fair sentence. I will simply put my faith is the wisdom of this court and expect this court to deliver due justice so that a message is sent to anyone who would choose to do harm to another person in this manner, that justice will be served and crimes of the nature will not go unpunished.

Thank you for this opportunity to let my voice be heard.

As of now this is the statement I have prepared for the court. I pray I will have the courage to read the day he is sentenced. I will prepare a different statement if he pleads innocent and is found guilty.

The Unfair Fight

Most of you have read this already but I haven't posted it into the feed until now.

The Unfair Fight

It was an unfair fight,

a struggle of death and life.
He waged war throughout the night,

I defended him off past the morning light.

No choice was given,

as he to my heart did riven.

Made vulnerable I was for the taken,

why did he choose my soul to be forsaken?

He released the binds,

I into freedom then ran to find.

Although unwillingly I lost to his might,

I had no choice for this war was an unfair fight.

-Jaime

Test Results From The Hospital

Two nights ago I noticed that I was bleeding when I use the restroom. In an effort not to be gross I will simply say that I was bleeding from the back. I have also been feeling really crappy over the last several days. Needless to say I was a little concerned and so was my dad. We went to the hospital and they ran tests. I say tests because they ran more than one type. It will make sense in a second. Both tests have come back.

The reason why I am bleeding is because I have a perforated bowel. The reason why I have that is because of the A@@hole who hurt (raped) me. For anyone who doesn't know what a perforated bowel is... It's basically a tear in the lining of the bowel. Often this tear allows stuff to leak into the gut area where it can cause a massive infection. I am on my way to a massive infection. As a result I am scheduled for surgery to fix the problem Wednesday morning the 21st (tomorrow). I am told they will make two really small incisions in my abdomen and pump air into my gut so that it inflates like a balloon so they have room to work. I am told it's a really minor surgery and if everything goes well I will be home tomorrow night. It's my first time under the knife and I am a little nervous.

There was another thing they tested me for yesterday. They had this test back right away. In fact I knew the results of this test for twenty hours now. It turns out that I am pregnant, and the A@@hole is the sperm contributor. So now I am facing a dilemma. The obvious first question is should I have the baby or not. I'm sixteen, and as much as I like to think I am an adult I am still a kid. I'm not ready to be a parent. My dad along with some others in my life think I should have an abortion. My personal beliefs on abortion are different than my dad's, and I am reasonably sure it is different than many who read this. My personal beliefs simply will not allow me to have an abortion.

Now this leaves me with two options. Keep this baby and raise it the best I can and risk having some sort of resentment toward him or her because of half their genes, or I can seek out a stable family who would gladly and lovingly raise this baby the way a child deserves to be raised. My first instinct is to find the right family. I am worried about becoming attached while the baby is still in me and being unable to let go of him/her.

Although my dad and I are in full shock mode right now, we are also trying to learn what all of our options are and what the legal matters are. I would appreciate any advice people have to give me.

My surgery is scheduled for 7:00am tomorrow. I can't eat for 24 hrs before the surgery. Which means I probably should have eaten more yesterday but I wasn't thinking about food or that I wouldn't be allowed to eat today. I am going to be hungry. I am already hungry.

"God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference..."

--Reinhold Niebuhr