Last Thursday wasn't a good day. It wasn't just a day absent of good, but it was a bad day. I guess I should be use to it by now being that all of my days are bad days. I want all of my online support friends to know something, I have been lying to all of you. I'm not really sure why I have been lying. A part of me believes that if I lie to myself enough by telling myself that I am going to get through this I somehow magically will. A part of me is also scared that I will hurt others so I lie. I tell people that I am okay, but even worse than that I pretend that I am okay. I put out this totally fake persona that is literally meant to deceive everyone around me so that they don't know the truth. I will get to the truth later in this post perhaps.
I was sitting at the lunchroom table at school last Thursday next to a few people I get along with. I don't want to call them my friends because that too would be a lie. If I said I had any genuine friends at my new school I would be lying, I only have people I get along with. Everyone else around me was talking and eating their lunch, but I was just staring at the ingredients label on the back of my single serving milk. Like everyday at school I was simply wishing I wasn't there. I kept fumbling with a band-aid that was on my left wrist from where I accidentally burned my wrist on a skillet when I was cooking supper the night before. It wasn't a bad burn by any means, but it was a little tender and felt a little uncomfortable against my sleeve. One of the girls that was sitting at the table with me noticed that I was messing with the band-aid and she asked me, "What happened? Did you try and kill yourself?"
I didn't reply back, I pretended that I didn't hear her. I pulled my sleeve down over the palm of my hand to cover the band-aid hoping that she would just shut-up, but she didn't. She said to everyone else at the table, "Look, Jaime tried to kill herself."
No one at my new school knows what happened to me, so I guess i can assume that everyone's actions are out of ignorance. As soon as she lied and told everyone that I tried to kill myself, some laughed, one wanted to know why I would do that, and another one asked to see my wrist. I don't know why but for some reason I showed everyone my wrist. I guess I thought they would see it's just a band-aid and let it go. The band-aid goes across my wrist, not up and down. The same girl that began the whole ordeal then laughed and said, "Look, Jaime is too stupid to even do it the right way."
I understand that she was just trying to be funny and she had no idea of what I am dealing with, but it just hit me the wrong way. I picked up my half full milk carton and poured it on her notebook that she was studying out of. I then said (verbatim), "Bitch, I know how to kill myself if I want to kill myself. I know to cut my wrist lengthwise so that the bleeding will be harder to stop."
I then opened my purse and pulled out 4 bottles of prescription medication and said, "Even if I didn't have a knife which I have plenty of at home, I could down a few dozen of any combination of these and that might do the trick. If I wanted to be sure that my attempt to kill myself was successful I would jump off the overpass to the interstate and let an 18 wheeler run me over, that would do the trick."
I pulled my sleeve up and ripped the band-aid off my wrist and then asked, "Do you want to see me bleed? You must want to if you think suicide attempts are so funny."
I grabbed my fork off my lunch tray and jammed it against my wrist and dragged it up my arm leaving four bleeding scratch marks about eight inches long. "Is that enough blood for you?"
Again I dragged the fork up my arm making myself bleed even more. I did this five or six times before a teacher grabbed the fork out of my hand and escorted me to the front office.
As you can imagine this caused quite a stir, but it wasn't like I had a knife that could actually cut me. The only thing the fork could do was make scratches that bled a little, not even enough to warrant any medical attention. The school called my dad at work and told him that there was an emergency and that he needed to come to the school right away. The school dean and counselor was treating this as an attempted suicide and they actually called 911. So now there is a policeman standing in front of me, a fireman EMT, and a priest (being that I go to a catholic private school). Dad comes running in the front door just after he ran past a cop car, ambulance, and fire truck in the parking lot. I can only assume that dad assumed the worse walking in. Dad looked confused because he saw that I was okay. Long story short my dad filled them all in on the fact that I am having some emotional issues while I just sat there. He didn't go into detail, he just told them enough so that they knew I was in therapy. They suggested that I leave with dad and talk to my therapist before I return to school.
Thursday's are my normal therapy days so dad and I went home and then left home at 2:30 to take me to my therapy appointment. As you can imagine the things that happened at school became the subject of discussion in therapy. My therapist kept asking me question about how I felt before all of that, how did I feel when that girl made those comments, and how did I fell as I was scratching myself with the fork. The truth is when I was scratching myself with the fork it felt good, the pain felt good. I felt like I deserved the pain and I felt like I was getting what I wanted. I explained that to my therapist and then she asked me, "What are you thinking about as you look back at what happened at school?"
I didn't even think about the answer, I simply blurted out, "It would have worked better if I had a strait razor."
So now everyone at school thinks I am suicidal, my dad thinks I am suicidal, my therapist thinks I am suicidal and has asked my dad to keep a closer eye on me. More than that, I think I am suicidal. That's the truth, but that's not the scary part. The scary part is that the realization that I am suicidal doesn't scare me. Shouldn't it be freaking me out? In all honesty, I am somewhat calmed by the thought of my own death. I also realized something; the only reason why I haven't killed myself is because I don't want to hurt the people who foolishly care about me. I don't care about me, but I do care about others. I just wish I knew a way to convince people what I already know, THAT I AM NOT WORTH CARING ABOUT. If I could convince them of that truth, I could bring my pain to an end, I could cry my last tear, and I could leave those painful memories behind.
I guess I am just being stupid and the douche bag of a busy body whore from school was right. I just wish no one cared about me so I could do what I need to do to end this pain.
Update: March 7th, 2012 - 5:30 pm
Since people think I am going to kill myself or over reacting I just thought I would add this last part.
Just because I am suicidal doesn't mean I am so stupid that I will kill myself.
I know how important it is for you to have your perspective validated (even if it is a negative one), so I'm not going to argue with your point of view. I also understand that you are in a great deal of pain. But what I DON'T quite understand is: why do you think that you are not worth caring about? (Because I do believe that seeral people would disagree with that.)
ReplyDeleteWhy do I think I am not worth caring about? I don't know, I just know that's how I feel.
ReplyDeleteThank you for clarifying your meaning for me. That being said, the question of whether or not we're worth caring about is not always a question that we can answer by ourselves. Sometimes, other people are more aware of our gifts than we are, and they can have an insight into our value in ways that we never could have imagined. while I don't want to invalidate your feelings, my hope is that you will give some of the other people in your life a chance to suggest ways in which you are valuable to them before you do anything TOO final. You might just discover something in yourself worth sticking around for.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings--whereever they may come from, whatever they are--have value because they are YOURS. That is the central consideration and I don't wish to dispute it. (But from my own selfish perspective, I think that your own reasons for devaluing yourself are a little too slight to justify such a drastic reaction as the one you have suggested. I hope that you will forgive me for my impertinence.)
How can you say, "Your feelings--whereever they may come from..." and then say, "I don't wish to dispute it." but then follow up by saying, "I think that your own reasons for devaluing yourself are a little too slight to justify such a drastic reaction as the one you have suggested."
ReplyDeleteYou said you don't know what my reasons are, and then you say you don't think they are good reasons.
I never said I was going to kill myself, I said I was suicidal, which means having thoughts of suicide.
Thank you for not making me feel stupid for thinking this way.
ReplyDeleteYou're very welcome. While I can only imagine what you are going through, I do know that you're going through more right now than many people face in a lifetime. With that being said, I really believe in you and know that you can overcome this. Please keep ploughing through the pain like you're doing and know that I am here for you when you need me. I won't always know what to say, but I will always try my best. (((((Jaime)))))
ReplyDeleteOh beautiful girl, how I wish I could give you all of the answers. I hated reading this! I understand what it feels like to be suicidal, to be at peace with it, but to love the people around you enough to never take that action. I definitely understand that concept. I am so proud of you for writing this, as you were writing about the burn mark, the band aid, raking the fork up your arm, I cringed, I felt as though I was right there with you when you were doing it, only I could not offer a hand, I could not offer any help to you, I know you feel lonely, I know you feel like no one understands, I know a simple hug would not change anything, but damn baby girl, I read this and I put it into how MY child is going to feel at 16, and I think of being YOUR mother and how I would deal with all of this given the opportunity, and I have only come up with insignificant things. So the question I have for you is, what do YOU feel as though you are missing, or need or if even a possibility- to get over these feelings of suicide (I repeat that I understand they are only thoughts) ......Hugs always!!!!
ReplyDeleteHey Jaime
ReplyDeleteHaven't checked in for a while but i needed to today coz im feeling pretty meh today. I guess the reason i check in with you when im feeling like this is the same reason i understand your post all too well. But thinking about a post from a little while ago, i don't chuck in my support coz im worried about you offing yourself (coz if i did that for everyone i know with that risk i would have no life) i do it coz i want to and also selfishly it helps me a bit- i remember u saying you have the same feeling?
For this post, life is not made up of absolutes. Although when i feel suicidal i think i must always be suicidal therefore im a crazy worthless bitch- im not.
And i need you to remember that the same goes for you.
That girl at school was so naive and stupid.
I know it makes you want to crack her one but then you dont so you want to hurt yourself instead, am i on the right track?
On the plus side she'll probably never say that shit to some other poor person coz you've educated her now aint ya :)
Sorry just trying to make you see the funny side of it coz theres always multiple sides to a situation.
So to wrap it all up your not alone hon and of course your sucidal. To put it bluntly, no normal person who was kidnapped and abused a year after their mum died wouldnt be. Thats not human.
Now i say this quite comfortably because i know your not going to kill yourself because iv seen thru your posts that you dont actually want to die you just want to feel better.
With how hard you work dear you will eventually. And going back to before, you havent been lying to us because sometimes you have good days iv seen it. And i already knew you were suicidal coz youv said it before. But your tough. Us who have been here for a while know that and be honest sometimes just sometimes you almost believe it too :)
Actually that can be my question for you and your counsellor if you want it...
How do you think someone who has been through what you've been thru should be feeling/what they should be doing?
And
How do you think you should be feeling/what you should be doing?
- include your mum dieing coz you havent had that much time to grieve that tragedy.
It took me 3 years to stop crying when i thought of my good friend after he died and that was just my friend not my mum.
Let me know if im too blunt hon i write how i talk so sometimes it comes out a bit rough.
Hugs for you Jaime,
Laura.
Thanks for your comment and for your continued support. It means a lot to me. You are not being too blunt. :)
ReplyDeleteYou should have seen her face when she saw me scratch myself with the fork over and over. The look on her face was priceless. She wouldn't even look me in the face all week. LOL I guess that's a good thing.
Thanks for the hug.
i bet that tart won't cross you again..
ReplyDelete*hugs* sorry about the bad day <3
funny how actions cause reactions.. yes..
No she won't, nor will other people. However I am pretty sure I cemented in my, "Jaime is crazy" reputation.
ReplyDeleteMmm.. I bet you have.. but fuck em, let em think what they like, you've got your own shit to deal with <3 You actually brought forward a memory I had long forgotten of something like what happend in the lunch room, but it was in class while the teacher was out and it was a stinky rotten boy who started the shit.. It all started by someone seeing my arm/wrist and him being the class clown had to start stirring me up! Had to ask, had to laugh, so I had to slap him.. hah MEAN.. I think we were both sent to the deans.. Then I to the cousellor who called a doctor and it gets fuzzy from there.. Can't really recall too much.. such a long time ago..
ReplyDeleteChur for the memory recall =)
Some people like that boy in your class are just assholes.
ReplyDeleteI don't really care what others think, it's just that I feel crazy and I want to be wrong about that but it is hard to feel like I am anything but crazy when other people think I am too. I hope that makes sense.
This world is crazy Jaime... Not you <3
ReplyDelete