I Tried To Kill My Dad

A couple of weeks before Halloween my sister and dad went out to do some shopping. Meanwhile I stayed home because I didn't feel like going out and I had homework so I used homework as an excuse to keep to myself. Soon after they left I did my homework that didn't take long to finish and I fixed me a big bowl of ice cream and sat down and watched some TV. As usual there was nothing good on, and being that it was October many of the movies were horror movies. While flipping through the channels I came across a movie that I think was one of the many Texas Chainsaw Massacres. The small segment I saw had girl who looked to be 19 or 20 years old who was being chased by a guy wearing a human flesh mask made from her boyfriends own flesh. Needless to say I changed the channel rather quickly. After flipping through the channels a few more times I gave up on the TV and decided to go ahead and take a shower and settle in for the evening.

I dried myself off with the towel and put on my sweatpants and t-shirt and as I was walking out of the restroom toward my bedroom I heard a foot step behind me. I turned and there was a person with a mask covering their face who then lurched toward me. It put me into a panic and I ran as fast as I could into the kitchen where I grabbed a knife out of the drawer and I went on attack. I was literally trying to kill the person with that mask before they could hurt me. They grabbed me by the wrists and took me down to the floor where they were then able to get the knife out of my hand. I was screaming. I was calling out for help and looking for any thing I could use to defend myself.

Suddenly I heard this person calling out my name, "JAIME, JAIME, IT'S OKAY".

The part I didn't understand is that the voice sounded like my dad. I don't really remember the details for the next several minutes.

My dad in the spirit of Halloween thought it would be funny to scare me. My dad is not a bad person; he simply didn't understand how triggering it would be for me if he came home while I was in the shower and scared me when I was SURE I was the only person at home. Practical jokes of this nature and of a comedic nature have always been a part of the normal around our home and we have all been on the receiving and giving end of the jokes. However this was the first time since my abduction, rape and torture that my dad tried to scare me. I guess he thought enough time had passed or that I wouldn't be triggered. Maybe it's simply an action of his based on ignorance and maybe I haven't done enough to explain to him how easily I can become triggered.

Dad told me later that he took the mask off before I grabbed the knife. He said as soon as I CLEARLY became frightened beyond a normal startle he removed the mask and started calling my name and saying to me, "It's just me". He also told me that he was sorry for taking me down to the floor as hard as he did but he had to in order to keep anyone from getting hurt. What that means is he had to PHYSICALLY keep me for KILLING him.

I hate feeling like I am not in control of my emotions, fears and my actions. I hate feeling like my RATIONAL brain has shut off leaving only my instinct. Why didn't I recognize him the second he took off the mask? How could I turn toward him with knife in hand and try to kill him when I SHOULD have been able to see that he wasn't someone there to hurt me and he was just my dad playing a joke?

It has been almost a month since this happened and I can't stop wondering about what would have happened if my dad wasn't able to safely stop me. What would happen to my sister if I killed my dad out of fear after being triggered? What would happen to me? Well, I know what would happen to me, I would die. I wouldn't want to live and I would have made sure I didn't live. 

My sister who is 11 still really doesn't understand what happened to me last year and she REALLY doesn't understand why I acted the way I did when I became triggered. She seems scared of me. I should be helping dad create a stable environment for Aimee instead of my own issues trickling down on her.

I feel like shit and like I am the worse daughter in the world and the worse sister in the world. They deserve better.

There's more to this but I don't feel like writing anymore right now.