Final Post

I am Alexis's dad and I am making this article by request of my precious daughter who lost her fight with cancer January 22nd 2015.

Alexis requested that I make this article to explain to everyone that she wanted to thank everyone for all the prayers and best wishes. She also said she wanted to apologize for misleading so many people into believing that she was getting better. She said she didn't want anyone to see her decline and when her health declined so much she couldn't hide it anymore she broke off contact.

I also want to thank each and everyone who showed my little girl support when she needed it the most. Now my her mom is holding her and waiting for us all to reunite.

Alexis, my sweet, smart and beautiful babygirl, I miss you, I love you and I am honored to have had you as my daughter. Tell mom to save a seat for me and Aimee. We will join you in decades to come.
Love Dad

I Did It Again

It is official, I am not worth being friends with. For the umpteenth time in just under 3 years I have chased off people who care about me. I'm not sure why I do this. Am I trying to chase them off before I hurt them more, or am I trying to hurt them in some convoluted and twisted way in an attempt to get back at the world for what the world did to me. Either way, I'm not worth being friends with.

Part 9 - What Happened To Me - (Question - What was the worse thing he did to you?)

This is a part of my story of what happened to me that I have kept pushing off further and further. I'm not sure if I had been pushing it off in an attempt to avoid it or if it was because I thought I had a lifetime to address it. Either way it feels like I might be running out of time, but then again we are all running out of time I guess.

Back in December 2011 my therapist gave me a list of questions that I could answer and give back to her or keep to myself. I answered these questions then posted them on my blog in a post entitled "A Self Interview" and gave the answers to my therapist.

At the time I did this self interview there was one question I couldn't yet answer and I am ready to answer that question. Here is the question.

When It Rains, It Pours

Years ago when I was just a child I heard the phrase, "When it rains, it pours". I guess that is accurate and my life grants evidentiary credence to that assumed truity of life. Nearly three years ago my dad's, little sister's and my world seemed to shatter into a million pieces when my mom died in a car accident while our family was on our way home from a family get together. A year and a half after that I was taken against my will by a selfish person whom chose self gratification over human decency. I became pregnant as a result of his depravity and in the last few days of finalizing my decision on an adoptive family for that innocent life within me, I ended up miscarrying while sitting in my 10th grade algebra II class. Now, a mere sixteen months after my miscarriage I have found out via a labyrinth of tests that I have GBM which is a rather aggressive form of brain tumors that will likely kill me within eighteen months even with treatment.

Sometimes I feel like God has chosen me to suffer.

I Am Tired Of Being Here

It seems that no matter how much therapy I have, how much I self examine or how much I try to move past what happened to me I can't seem to be happy. I am so fucking tired of waking-up crying, living my daily life crying and going to bed crying. Someone years ago when I was just a little girl told me that we choose to be happy or we choose to be sad. I know that isn't true but it still makes me feel like a failure.

I have begun to understand something about the healing process. We so often have a strong sense of self-blame that causes us to dislike and even hate ourselves. It can be so strong of a sense of self-blame that nothing can alter the way we feel. I know this to be a possibility, and in my case an obvious fact because I literally hate myself.

I Tried To Kill My Dad

A couple of weeks before Halloween my sister and dad went out to do some shopping. Meanwhile I stayed home because I didn't feel like going out and I had homework so I used homework as an excuse to keep to myself. Soon after they left I did my homework that didn't take long to finish and I fixed me a big bowl of ice cream and sat down and watched some TV. As usual there was nothing good on, and being that it was October many of the movies were horror movies. While flipping through the channels I came across a movie that I think was one of the many Texas Chainsaw Massacres. The small segment I saw had girl who looked to be 19 or 20 years old who was being chased by a guy wearing a human flesh mask made from her boyfriends own flesh. Needless to say I changed the channel rather quickly. After flipping through the channels a few more times I gave up on the TV and decided to go ahead and take a shower and settle in for the evening.

My Seven Day Fasting Project - 168 Hours COPLETE

Seven days ago I set out to fast for 7 days with the intention of it maybe giving me some answers to the question of if I want to live, die or whatever, but within a day or two this turned more into a science experiment for my biology class on the effects of fasting on cognitive abilities. Now that the experiment is complete, all the data is collected, all that is left to do is compile the information into a conclusion that I will be able to present to the class and the teacher. As usual I completed my cognitive degeneration test.

The results are as follows: