Wednesday after I got out of school I went to my therapist. Most of you already are familiar with the fact that I have a therapist for my emotional issues that stem directly from the PTSD I have from my assault, but the therapist I went to Wednesday was a different kind of therapist. This therapist is a physical therapist who is trying to help me regain dexterity with my hands.
Cheiralgia Paresthetica is a type of nerve damage that can happen in the wrist. It is generally caused by the sensory branch of the radial nerve in the wrist being compressed. Some of the most common causes of this compression is wrist restraints. Handcuffs under normal lawful use have a bad reputation for causing a temporary and even prolonged neuropathy in the wrists, hands, and fingers. Cheiralgia Paresthetica can also be caused by any item that is wrapped tightly enough around the wrist that it pinches the nerves that go to the hand. It is very common for those who have been restrained for extended periods of time in situations reminiscent of hostage situations where the captor has little to no concern for the well being of their hostage. In many cases after the action which is pinching the nerve is removed, the negative effects of the nerve damage dissipates over a few minutes to several weeks with the use NSAIDs (aspirin and naproxen sodium), but sometimes it requires physical therapy.
The symptoms are somewhat different with each person being that the nerve damage is seldom the same from one person to another, however they do have some common attributes. Some of the common symptoms are numbness, tingling, burning, and a general lack of sensation in part or most of the hands and fingers. The symptoms I have is numbness in the back part of my hands, side of my thumbs, and index fingers. I also often have a burning sensation in my fingertips and palms. This often makes it difficult for me to type, write, or any other task that requires dexterity.
Immediately after my assault being that my assailant kept me restrained for most of the 23 hours that he kept me, I had severe debilitating numbness and marginalized dexterity in my hands and fingers. Over time much of the coordination has returned, but a good portion of the numbness, tingling, and burning is still there.
I have seen a physical therapist once a month since all of this happened. Wednesday was the fifth time I had a session. Unfortunately, my therapist told me that being that the damage to my wrist occurred more than 5 months ago and I still am having symptoms, the likelihood of a full recovery is next to zero. That kind of bums me out a little. I use to be able to type pretty good, but now I am slow because I can't always tell if I pushed the key. I never really had good penmanship, but now it really sucks.
Between the physical scars, nerve damage, and emotional scars, I just feel broken. I'm tired and discouraged and feel like giving up on everything. I don't mean I feel like giving up on life, I just mean that I feel like giving up on me. I don't really feel like I have the energy or desire to heal on an emotional level. It's almost like I have grown to believe that there really is no point behind putting myself through all of the emotional pain in order to heal because I will still be broken physically. I know how retarded that sounds because there are so many people who have much worse physical damage than I have. I really don't know what I'm saying. I guess I'm just tired of trying and trying and not feeling like I am getting anywhere.
I wish I could sleep, I think that would help. The lack of sleep is really getting to me. I am really beginning to have trouble concentrating on anything, it's like my mind is in a fog. I have tried so many different things to help me sleep but nothing works unless I double or triple up on the medication. Drinking alcohol helps me sleep, but it's not like I should be doing that, and much less on a regular basis. The only other thing that works is time, because after several days with no sleep, I crash. I get so little sleep that I have been asked to take a drug test because my therapist assumed I was on meth. I thought that was funny and insulting at the same time.
I'm just tired and need a vacation from being me.
