I Am Tired Of Being Here

It seems that no matter how much therapy I have, how much I self examine or how much I try to move past what happened to me I can't seem to be happy. I am so fucking tired of waking-up crying, living my daily life crying and going to bed crying. Someone years ago when I was just a little girl told me that we choose to be happy or we choose to be sad. I know that isn't true but it still makes me feel like a failure.

I have begun to understand something about the healing process. We so often have a strong sense of self-blame that causes us to dislike and even hate ourselves. It can be so strong of a sense of self-blame that nothing can alter the way we feel. I know this to be a possibility, and in my case an obvious fact because I literally hate myself.

I Tried To Kill My Dad

A couple of weeks before Halloween my sister and dad went out to do some shopping. Meanwhile I stayed home because I didn't feel like going out and I had homework so I used homework as an excuse to keep to myself. Soon after they left I did my homework that didn't take long to finish and I fixed me a big bowl of ice cream and sat down and watched some TV. As usual there was nothing good on, and being that it was October many of the movies were horror movies. While flipping through the channels I came across a movie that I think was one of the many Texas Chainsaw Massacres. The small segment I saw had girl who looked to be 19 or 20 years old who was being chased by a guy wearing a human flesh mask made from her boyfriends own flesh. Needless to say I changed the channel rather quickly. After flipping through the channels a few more times I gave up on the TV and decided to go ahead and take a shower and settle in for the evening.

My Seven Day Fasting Project - 168 Hours COPLETE

Seven days ago I set out to fast for 7 days with the intention of it maybe giving me some answers to the question of if I want to live, die or whatever, but within a day or two this turned more into a science experiment for my biology class on the effects of fasting on cognitive abilities. Now that the experiment is complete, all the data is collected, all that is left to do is compile the information into a conclusion that I will be able to present to the class and the teacher. As usual I completed my cognitive degeneration test.

The results are as follows:

My Seven Day Fasting Project - The Beginning

Today at 5:30 pm was my last meal for the next 7 days. I ate two slices of pepperoni pizza totaling about 1000 calories. For the next 7 days I will only consume water. Every 12 hours beginning 5:30 on the 21st of October I will complete 20 simple math problems that are 2 numbers, 3 digits. There will be 5 addition problems, 5 subtraction problems, 5 division problems, and 5 multiplication problems. I will time how long it takes me to perform each group of 5 and test how fasting affects my cognitive ability. I realize this isn't exactly scientific, but the test just give me an excuse to starve myself for 7 days.

On a side not the real reason why I am doing this is because I am looking for answers. Not scientific answers but the answers to the question, "Do I want to live?" I figure 7 days of fasting will trigger a self preservation instinct in me and answer that question for me. I'm not saying that I will starve myself to death or kill myself by other means if that self preservation instinct never kicks in.

Part 8 Of What Happened To Me

TRIGGER WARNING

It has been a little over four months since I sat down and wrote anymore of "My Story", the story of what happened to me during those 23 hours I was held against my will in my rapist's van. I'm not sure if I will be able to get much out this time but I am going to give it a try and see how far I get. As always, to the best of my recollection; this part of my story starts off where the previous part ended.

I guess it was around 8:00am September 3rd, 2011. It had been about an hour since he had untied me, and for that hour he hadn't spoken to me, touched me, or for all accounts did anything other than sit there on his cooler full of ice, drinks, and food and stare at me. I lay there on that crappy blow-up mattress and didn't really move at all. In all honesty I felt like I wasn't really there, I felt numb, and as if my mind was separated from my body. I can't remember if my back, legs, and everything else he beat was hurting. I don't really remember what my body felt like. I sort of felt like I was floating above myself and that my body was no longer part of me. Of course now I know why I felt that way. I was disassociating. From what I can tell it was my body's way of protecting me from what was going on. I think maybe I might have been semiconscious and phasing in and out of micro nap sleep cycles. After all I know I was exhausted both mentally and physically.

May 26th - What Could Have Been

This is a weird time for me for several reasons, but the main reason that comes to mind is because of what the next seven days represent. It represents what could have been and what would have been coming to an end for me and beginning a new for someone else. The more I think about it the more it sort of boggles my mind and leaves me feeling empty. It's that empty feeling that I am having trouble wrapping my head around.

May 26th, 2012 would have been a very difficult day for me. It would have likely been the most painful day I had ever known and it would have likely been one of the most emotionally trying day. May 26th, 2012 which is only one week from today would have been the due date of the child I lost while I was in a restroom at school. It would have been the day I would be VOLUNTARILY handing over my parental rights and responsibility as a parent, to someone I entrusted to do the job I think I am/would be too young to handle. It would have been the day I gave birth to a child who's biological father is in prison and will be their for more than 26 more years because he is a rapist.

The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee

I saw this and I thought I would share it here because I like the message of it. I got this from this Facebook Page - (Impossible 2 Possible).

The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.